Steam

   
our foreheads          
pressed          
together,          
damp skin,          
shaking arms,          
open-mouth sighs          
that sound like          
pain          
and need          
and longing          
         
my skin          
is syncopated          
to your breath          
and it all feels          
         
like everything          
         
my toes dig into the          
mattress to anchor me          
in our storm          
and I cry out and offer    
another trembling release          
as a peace offering, perhaps          
or self defense, perhaps          
or temporary insanity          
         
perhaps          
         
It’s not so temporary.          
         
The rain picks up outside      
but you slow down          
and push into my body harder,          
until each thrust          
chips the paint          
from the wall          
behind the headboard,        
and our sweat soaks          
a kerosene outline          
on the scorched bed          
while I try to find more          
ways for          
my body to          
say          
         
Baby          
I’m sorry.          
         
I’m sorry.          
         
I was wrong.          
         
There is no shelter          
against the chronic storm          
between us and          
to be this naked          
as the hurricanes          
approach          
fucks me up          
         
you fuck me up          
         
the way I want you          
more than breath or reason          
fucks me up until          
I’d rather burn the world down,          
starting with me,          
than think of a day when          
I’m not yours          
         
and that’s some counterintuitive shit.          
         
Your breath catches sharply          
when my hands find          
the tacky spots,          
the burns,          
on your          
back          
and I tear up          
when I come again          
         
The wind picked up          
last night          
and the first drops of rain          
plinked down around us          
while I raged in the          
front yard like the          
coming storm was just          
foreshadowing          
         
And it was          
       
Because you took those          
cautious steps            
in the fiery maelstrom            
as the wind whipped my hair            
around like I was  a            
pyrogenic Medusa                    
until the space            
between us was          
spite-fueled steam    
         
And you stood in front of me          
until I couldn’t fucking stand          
either of us          
         
because I didn’t want          
to take responsibly          
for hurting you          
needlessly          
         
I didn’t want to be wrong.          
(but fuck,          
I didn’t want to be right)          
         
And I didn’t want to be in all          
in this grand carnage          
as tornados tore          
through our thin walls          
         
You let me lie and say          
the wind blew me          
into your arms          
to seek shelter          
as the sky thrashed          
its utter disdain,          
and let loose          
as if the heavens were          
a riverbed we          
slit open          
with our pain          
         
I asked you to          
to hold me          
until I didn’t          
feel the urge          
to burn us down          
as our skin hissed          
in the deluge          
         
I told you to not          
take your hands off          
off my body          
until we could          
walk barefoot          
across our backyard          
without finding embers          
         
I can find embers 
in          
the snow some days,          
let alone our flooded yard          
         
I asked you          
to love me slowly          
until I could          
be ok again          
         
and the way you          
feel across          
         
my body          
         
leaves me feeling          
less ok than ever.          
         
baby,          
lay your head here          
and hold me          
until I’m safe again          
         
As fragile as I feel against you,          
as fucked up as I am,      
you might have to          
hold me          
for—          
         
(for—)          
         
a while          
longer