can I be your let down

Can I be the reason we fall apart?
Will you let me fuck you up  
with all my flaws and failings?
Clenched fists
that beg to connect  
with soft underbelly
of all of you  
 
Can I be your let down?
 
Because I'm so fucking tired
of trying to find breath  
in these storm drain waters  
 
Will you be my let down?
 
Because I'm not your lifeboat  
but you're on my shoulders  
pushing me under  
and I scream into  
our memory debris  
choking on the history  
in my lungs  
 
Will you let me fuck you up?
 
Because you're not my lifeboat
but I'm pushing you under  
as I scramble for air  
and today I choose me  
not you  
to save from the nightmares
that linger like an oil slick  
in your head  
 
I scream  
pull the trigger  
you slip to the floor  
hands over your head  
like my voice is made of bullets  
 
You rage against the silent walls
pull the trigger  
and I'm on the floor
under the bed  
trying to crowd our your voice  
with my imaginary friends  
 
With one bad day  
we're terrified children again  
pretending each other  
is the enemy  
and that love is a war  
that can't be won
with loud voices  
and slamming doors  
but we're punching our fists
through each other's chests anyway  
 
And you tell me I can never hurt you  
but I've licked the tears from your face  
and I'd be lying if I said breaking you  
doesn't turn me on a little  
 
Can I fuck you up?  
Can I kiss it better?  
Can you fuck me up?  
Can you kiss it better?  
 
Can I be your let down tonight  
while the trauma still smarts  
like a hand print against skin
 
Isn't it strange  
how I only feel safe  
when your hand is around my throat