Dear diary (how to be an artist)

People keep telling me I have a gift, like being gifted means I should be something, instead of someone. I'm that asshole that is good at almost anything I try my hand at, and in a way everything means nothing, because did I earn it if I didn't have to work hard to make it happen?  
 
I also genuinely don't give a fuck about the fact that I'm a gifted writer, artist and photographer. I used to be in an art group, and there were some successful older artists there that asked me where I studied. I didn't study anywhere. Everything I am is self taught. I didn't finish high school, and have bailed on every avenue of higher education I've enrolled in (I'm failing the one I'm in right now, because between depression and life, I can't get my assignments done).  
 
If I'd stayed in that art group, I could have become at least a locally known exhibiting artist. Botanical art if I'm being specific. I was good at it, it was easy, and it fucking bored me to tears.  
 
And I've done a few commission pieces of various things over the years, erotic art, botanical art, animals, last piece I got paid for was for a drawing of a former boss's classic Mustang (I can't remember the model now). And honestly as much as I love art, I hated the pressure of having to produce something perfect. Getting paid to do something I feel unqualified to do, it definitely destroyed the joy I find in art. And while I don't hate the idea of collating a book of poetry, I feel like it wouldn't really be for me. I'm happy to be here, and on a few more private social media platforms, sharing my poetry for free.  
 
So now when people ask me when I'm going to publish a book of poetry, or what am I going to do with a photography degree, I say nothing. Because I don't do art to be something other people can put a label on.  
 
I do art for me. I do art to find myself. I do art to save myself. I do art to connect with other people. And lately that has what I've needed more than anything. To connect. And I feel like I have been connecting, and I'm so grateful that I whatever gift or gifts I have, can help me do that.