blurry

Desire and guilt pull at me    
I'm not this person    
I don't slip  
I don't dip my tongue  
into the fires of temptation    
but fuck, you break me  
take these lines I've drawn  
and fade them from black    
to grey    
   
I hate myself in this moment    
while he's got his arms    
wrapped around me    
and I'm talking about you    
like you don't make my heart ache    
in all the wrong ways    
in all the right ways    
in all the ways I try to bury    
   
Cause I know all the right things to say  
how to talk loving shit about you    
let the conversation shift    
to things that matter to him    
like your name is inconsequential    
like I'm don't imagine    
the way your lips  
would feel on mine    
or how badly I dream  
of the way our bodies could collide  
   
And I swear it's not fair  
that I only get to choose one love  
and that he's the one I won't leave  
while thoughts of you  
leave me guilty and wet  
and hating myself tonight