deepundergroundpoetry.com
Letter to a writer part III
It's been a long while since we talked, and for the record I don't forgive you. But I do miss you. And I hate that I miss you.
My life is so fucked up right now, and some days I just wanna call you, so you can make me laugh, and throw me loaded compliments I absolutely don't believe, because if Goddesses are real, I'm not one of them.
I've lost a lot of friends in the last 2 years, not just you. And I honestly can't tell you who I miss more. We were all bound under strange circumstances, and we all ended in fire and silence, like watching a raging inferno with the sound off. It looks more beautiful and less terrifying than it really is, when you can't hear it burning down around you.
When it's late and I can't sleep, I think about all the things I would tell you if we were still talking. I would spill the darkest words I have, and you'd wrap me up in an embrace so pure, you'd spark my heart with hope for better days. But we're not talking, and you're not here, and you don't get to know my secrets anymore.
Part of me died the day we fell silent. My silence to a line that should never have been crossed and can't be uncrossed.
It's a pity for you I discovered boundaries. And sometimes I think it's a pity for me that I discovered self respect. Because you were my favourite of the blurred lines I never allowed myself to truly cross, and under different circumstances might have crossed.
Because I've always wondered how you'd taste. But I'm not the kind of girl that chases empty fixes. And that's all we would have been, a Lana Del Rey song, full of nostalgia and no happy endings.
It's been a long while since we talked. And for the record, I hate that I miss you.
My life is so fucked up right now, and some days I just wanna call you, so you can make me laugh, and throw me loaded compliments I absolutely don't believe, because if Goddesses are real, I'm not one of them.
I've lost a lot of friends in the last 2 years, not just you. And I honestly can't tell you who I miss more. We were all bound under strange circumstances, and we all ended in fire and silence, like watching a raging inferno with the sound off. It looks more beautiful and less terrifying than it really is, when you can't hear it burning down around you.
When it's late and I can't sleep, I think about all the things I would tell you if we were still talking. I would spill the darkest words I have, and you'd wrap me up in an embrace so pure, you'd spark my heart with hope for better days. But we're not talking, and you're not here, and you don't get to know my secrets anymore.
Part of me died the day we fell silent. My silence to a line that should never have been crossed and can't be uncrossed.
It's a pity for you I discovered boundaries. And sometimes I think it's a pity for me that I discovered self respect. Because you were my favourite of the blurred lines I never allowed myself to truly cross, and under different circumstances might have crossed.
Because I've always wondered how you'd taste. But I'm not the kind of girl that chases empty fixes. And that's all we would have been, a Lana Del Rey song, full of nostalgia and no happy endings.
It's been a long while since we talked. And for the record, I hate that I miss you.
Published 5th May 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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5th May 2024 12:33pm
This. Was. Everything.
You know what sucks? Most of the time relationships start with desire, and when the desire is gone, it's easy to not be friends. Because the friendship wasn't the foundation.
But the fuckers we build friendships with first, and then desire... oh god. That is a double death. A loss that just keeps on giving, keeps on hurting. Because a lover fades. You can fuck a piece of ass away. But you can't turn to air a thousand times a day and say the weird shit on your mind like you did a friend. You can't fuck that away in any sense or translation of the word.
This was raw, scratchy, and it hurt, especially the denouement. You painted this agony with truth.
I hope it helped purge something.
I'm glad you have boundaries and self respect. Both are deserved.
You know what sucks? Most of the time relationships start with desire, and when the desire is gone, it's easy to not be friends. Because the friendship wasn't the foundation.
But the fuckers we build friendships with first, and then desire... oh god. That is a double death. A loss that just keeps on giving, keeps on hurting. Because a lover fades. You can fuck a piece of ass away. But you can't turn to air a thousand times a day and say the weird shit on your mind like you did a friend. You can't fuck that away in any sense or translation of the word.
This was raw, scratchy, and it hurt, especially the denouement. You painted this agony with truth.
I hope it helped purge something.
I'm glad you have boundaries and self respect. Both are deserved.
5th May 2024 12:39pm
The loss of friendships is often worse than losing a lover. Friends feel like they're forever, but unfortunately it doesn't work out that way. I still miss people I haven't spoken to in 15 years. Some grief we always carry with us, and lost friendships are definitely one of those. The last year has been really hard, in that I lost two friends for making passes at me, despite both knowing I was in a relationship. As much as I loved them, they didn't respect me or the friendship to keep that to themselves, knowing I would never leave my partner for them. I wouldn't do it to someone, and I don't like it being to me. It changes the whole dynamics.
I do think this piece helped me to get some of the pain out.
I do think this piece helped me to get some of the pain out.
5th May 2024 4:12pm
I don't think one person reading this could not relate to its truth.
One of the most painful moments we can experience in our growth is enforcing boundaries and nurturing self-respect. Especially if we fear being alone. Because, sometimes, we think being disrespected is better than having no one. But then comes the vicious cycle of self-loathing and neediness that can only be broken by enforcement of boundaries that begins the nurturing cycle of healing, oftentimes alone.
Then we learn the priceless difference between loneliness and solitude that will never erase the very human aspect of missing someone we loved and trusted. With much knowledge comes pain.
One of the most painful moments we can experience in our growth is enforcing boundaries and nurturing self-respect. Especially if we fear being alone. Because, sometimes, we think being disrespected is better than having no one. But then comes the vicious cycle of self-loathing and neediness that can only be broken by enforcement of boundaries that begins the nurturing cycle of healing, oftentimes alone.
Then we learn the priceless difference between loneliness and solitude that will never erase the very human aspect of missing someone we loved and trusted. With much knowledge comes pain.
6th May 2024 9:22am
Thank you Ahavati. In some ways I think I'm lucky. I've never met or loved a person I couldn't leave. It doesn't mean it doesn't mess me up, or that I don't drag endings out far too long. I'm really good at being alone, and not always in a healthy way. And as much as endings hurt, the older I get I can accept that not everything is meant to last forever.
7th May 2024 11:15am
8th May 2024 11:13am
