Deep Hurt

 
northern winds gather my attention
my Father you alone can bear my pain
you know it is more than I can take
picking up my body, my cross, and following you
praying I understand why you brought my husband and I together
I implore you, your wisdom to lend me understanding
 
I'm operating from a place of deep hurt
my mind compromised by deep rejections throughout this life
that came suddenly while I was daydreaming of the sky
believing I was happy
not complaining but making do
 
the world has been cruel to me
with a mind that crumbles under the weight
seeking you out with all my might
desiring someone to love me unconditionally but among my fellow humans
there is none
 
for some reason bear and I have slid further down the line
his affections reserved for even the foulest of strangers
knowing it wasn't bear and me who changed it was him
he chooses cruelty make sure I know it
 
Father, I cannot see the lesson here through my tears
things are misty and blurring
I'm afraid of living alone the last time I tried it, it was an utter failure
forgetting to pay my electricity, too stressed to remember to eat
I was hospitalized for three months  
 
treated cruelly like an inmate with no rights
you placed him in my path as a stumbling block
knowing he would see  my brokenness, I was an easy mark
 
still, it was you who said we would be one  
even when he toyed with my heart withdrawing his emotional support
his manhood meant more to him than our year-long friendship at that point
 
now all these years later he applies pressure to my weak points anew
and I forget again making imaginary people to love me instead
Father, I believe you are real
I know you dislike His intent, only you know what is hidden
 
you have my attention, Father  
I want to die and come home to you
but you say it's not my time yet
 
so I pick every day and put on a smile for everyone
living my life beholden to those I love
who just like that can take my heart from me
by suddenly withdrawing their favor  
 
because he has them each over a barrow
in different ways  
they silently whisper glad it's not me
and let drop alone further into my pain