Mom

the dying of a soul doesn't happen in a moment    
it is with a light so bright I shine    
the world covets my kind    
brutally receiving my tenderness and honesty    
drinking from my feelings they get drunk off of them    
   
cast from the light it's kill or be killed among them    
in the darkness my inner glow gave warmth year in and out    
always offering all I have whether it be a friendly smile or money to help    
   
people didn't see the genuine kindness behind the acts    
instead, they take it for weakness within    
only my Father knows my intent    
   
my soul started failing,    
in so much pain i curse the light for making me stand out    
it happened when I was little she thought my pain was funny    
laughing manically at my falling down and getting hurt    
   
clinging tight to what I knew, I still hoped she loved me    
my light flickered in the dark    
only God knows how I made it home to the apartment every night    
for three days and nights I imagined she would return    
she reported I was dead to my dad    
   
keening for approval no one saw my milestones happening    
but you did, you made sure I walk when I was afraid,    
swim when I was scared    
you were my only friend in the world and at school    
   
making sure I didn't sucummb to pneumonia at seven  
when I was left to languish    
you alerted my father, I was burning up and couldn't even stand anymore    
   
looking back it hurts to know I was nothing but in the way to people    
a poker chip easily spent and discarded    
pushed back and forth between two women to hurt my dad    
   
after a while, it was just easier to pretend he didn't care    
and focus his kindness on my halfsister instead    
afraid of falling deeper into a pit and my dad giving up on me    
I turned my pain inward when she was cruel to me    
   
saying privately I was crazy like my mother    
I was only three and today she brags how she almost got my dad,    
to put me up for adoption    
   
she felt insecure with my mother's good looks    
I was beautiful too once    
she cut my long blonde hair and I started eating my emotions    
a child cast aside and left to her cruelty    
   
she was a nurse and knew when I was having a full-blown asthma attack    
dropping me off at the sitter knowing with her inexperience I could die there    
I'm sad I did not die in childhood    
I've had to carry this pain far too long now
   
attracting men not like my dad but like my stepmom    
she brags to my husband how she got me to sign away my rights    
to my dad's life insurance by sending me a contract written in legal ease    
to buy the house she now resides in    
making it plain to this day how she really feels    
   
she buddies up to my husband sympathizing with his greed    
my light terribly dim I feel like giving up    
and letting my soul go completely    
   
I am out voted and rejected utterly    
I knew what that contract was mom I signed it anyway    
because you made me feel for you    
and though you all but threw me to the wolves    
   
I give you a pass in my heart because you would sometimes hold me    
even if it weren't real sympathy it counts in this leppers book as something let what has been done against me come into the light and answer