Im losing myself

Sometimes I'm so low
That rock bottom feels like a plateau
Other times im so high
It feels like im looking down at the sky  
 
Inconsistencies deep within me
Dividing me relentlessly  
I need a cure but can't find a recipe
Half dead and want to kill the rest of me  
 
Where is the joy thats supposed to exist
Lost in all the opportunities Ive missed
In between what i did and should have done
Is the person I will never become  
 
A destiny that will never manfiest
Anger fear and regret keep me stressed
Living the failure of every life test
Knowing that I never really gave it my best  
 
All the moments I missed by becoming numb
So far removed that I've made my mind dumb
The only way to survive cuz if I feel then Ill break
I distance myself cuz Im bad at being fake  
 
Smiling and pretending to be something I'm not
Growth can't exist in the same place as rot
Spending all my time running but still in the same spot
A distorted reflection is the reward that I got  
 
Hours pass like minutes and years go by like days
Im beginning to forget myself as my past becomes a haze
No dreams or aspirations to keep me moving forward
Death is the only destination that I am moving toward  
 
I think too much and I self destruct
I dont think enough and everythings fucked
Cant remember a time before my life sucked
And the thougths in my head are a prison construct