Looking for my smile

How can i explain these feelings in my head?
How can you express the feeling of being beyond dead?

Theres butterflies in my stomach and a tingling in my chest
The physical manifestation of everything Ive repressed

Voices taunting me nonstop in my mind
Everyone moving ahead and im being left behind

I go between complete and total numbness
And being overwhelmied with my emotions who does this?

Extreme happiness and elation
Always give way to complete devastation

I want someone to hold, someone to talk to
I want someone to listen to what i been going through

But i don't want to be touched and what is there to say?
I want to die every second of every fucking day

I hate myself so much that i want to kill me
At this point I dont even know the real me

Cuz im playing a role and its killing my soul
Im stuck in a hole and death is my goal

I cant trust cuz everyones out for themself
First you're a trophy then you sit on a shelf

I'd rather lie in a box cuz im so done with being alone
I sit here for hours and just stare at my phone

Nobodys callin or reaching out to check
My time would be better spent with a rope around my neck

Dangling gasping for air as the darkness closes in
And the voices all go silent and so do i with a grin