Breakfast at Cracker Barrel

I'm facing a wall of guns and deer heads
surrounded by tables of fat Trumpy men in white socks and sandals
our waitress insists that what my friend ordered is mine
and vice versa
finally we just nod
and switch plates once she walks away

I love the rubbery country ham
my scrambled eggs taste like water
but damn they know how to do grits
not many places do

I dip the edge of my pancake bite prissily
into a tiny pool of maple syrup
my diabetic friend douses his
until the carby orbs are practically floating

i sweetly inform him
he's practically shooting glucose into his veins
I picture my head
mounted next to the glassy-eyed deer
that would shut me up
but Steve thinks I'm fabulous
even when I'm bitchy
be like Steve.

afterwards we roam the country store
with its many furiously sparkling glitter globes
i love things that move
I need things that sparkle
but I don't need them in the shape of hearts and frogs
so I pass

there's a chocolate bar on one wall
that weighs about five pounds
it's filled with marshmallows and coconut
Hello lover
five servings it says
five servings my ass
like many seductive lovers
it's fraught with danger
I wisely walk away

Another display
features freakishly realistic sleeping dogs
my sizable nurturing instincts
alight like a pinball machine
i softly stroke their heads
Be safe little puppies
I'll kill anyone who tries to hurt you

Turtle glitter globes
champagne bottle glitter globes
pineapple glitter globes
glitter globes filled with fake roses
glitter globes with fake lavender
glitter globes filled with prayers
it's time to go outside

We plop down into white rocking chairs
and rock our assess off
a nice woman comments on how comfortable they look
I bet you'll be here a few more minutes she laughs
I think we'll be here until the sun sets I tell her

When we finally leave
we pass a picture on the window
of fried chicken and cole slaw
and vow to return
because we're both terminally uncool that way
and utterly unconcerned about it.