disposable...

 
he...a euphemism for one...& then another...& another
came into her life with a vengeance
his attentions bringing glowing smiles & eliciting sighs
making her days magically shiny & beautifully bright

so many hours spent together
taking long walks in the park
sharing picnics beneath trees
holding hands in the car...
driving leisurely down gravel coated country roads
...just for the chance to be together
and the way his eyes always sought her out in a crowd
lighting up & immediately filling with love
longing so deep they swallowed her up

sunsets blazed upon the dazzled lovers
as they lay on a blanket beside the lake
he brought fireworks & delight to her nights
caresses so tender they both lost their breath
heartbeats a'thunder with wonder
trembling fingers teasing...then confidently leading
learning the nuances of love...of each other
a time of passion & yearning

but the calls tapered off & flames slowly dwindled
until one day she could no longer remember
...when was the last time they spoke
again...she was once more alone

nothing but trinkets remaining of the time they'd once shared
carefully saved in a wooden box
filled to the top with beloved keepsakes
a 4 leaf clover found searching...giggling together
napkins from dinners with doodles scribbled by 2
ticket stubs from movies...sitting side by side
as she leaned uncomfortably over the armrest
giving him better access...to drape an arm across her shoulder
just needing to hold her...at least that's what he told her

but in the absence of him how could she be sure
he wasn't there anymore
where was her validation
leaving her continually asking...
...what did I do
...is there something wrong with me
...why am I so easy to leave

a million nibbles of self-doubt in the waters around her feet
eventually she began to sink
had she imagined the adoration lighting his eyes...
the feel of his emotion washing over her...
as one after the other another he left her behind
no answers...only more questions crowding her mind
and that one word that kept ringing in her ears
...disposable...
like a flower cut from its stem
demise was inevitable
thinking to herself...I guess that's just me

the burden of that belief settled heavily over her
like an anchor chained to her body
she couldn't breathe under the weight of it
something had to give or she would drown
as the pull of it dragged her further down

until one day she had a fleeting thought
...maybe it was her after all
but not in the way she'd always believed
what if he was drawn to her sun-kissed being
needed to bask in her radiant heat
but recognized it was never his to keep

hers...a spirit too strong to break
...but alluring in it's ethereal quality
a love too great to knowingly abuse...
...& so he slipped quietly away
grateful for the time he was gifted
knowing she was destined for something bigger
making room for that eventual HE

like a seed once planted...it needs to be nurtured
needs sunshine & watered & to be repotted
and he was her gardener
bringing her nourishment to help with her growth
but not being her permanent bed...he left
giving her room to take the lesson & spread
not disposable at all...
...she was perennial



trying to reprogram thought patterns...this kind of self-doubt leads to  mistrust of what our instincts tell us...when they're not absolute douche nozzles...& they all aren't...choosing to find the glimmers in the shadows here