value of intentions

 
I don't know whether to feel proud of myself
...or ashamed
I worked so hard all those years
masking to hide my pain
protecting her from the knowledge
so perfectly she never suspected
and now that it's come to the surface
she's asking me tough questions
and I can see the hurt in her eyes
that I suffered & kept it so quiet
but it was imperative to me she live her life unaffected
as normal as could be expected
never thinking how moods & occasional withdrawing might affect her
it was just the 2 of us for so much of her life
I didn't want my damage to be her problem
that isn't how it works though
she was just as affected by what she didn't know
and now she looks at me with those melted chocolate eyes
hurting for everything I kept inside
asking but about you...
as I blink uncomprending...what about me...
it's like time has gone backwards & she keeps hitting me with the dreaded why...
what do I tell her...without making it any worse
that I buried my needs so I could focus on hers
there simply wasn't enough energy for 2
I'm her mother...
...wasn't that what I was supposed to do...