rearview reflections

 
funny how sometimes I look back at events in my life
it's like watching a movie on the big screen
thinking...shit...that was really me
it shouldn't be so surprising...
I was there...but was I really...
I guess that's up for debate
at the time I was so focused on survival
didn't occur to think of it as traumatic
flashes of the past blasting into my conscious
who even knows what caused it
standing in the parking lot of an old wig shop
a location chosen because it was so ridiculously random
suitcase at my feet & 4 year old clutching my hand
watching my 2 crazy aunts pull up in a rust spattered mini van
eldest with her foot sticking out the passenger window
the younger...one hand on the wheel & the other clutching coffee
sun barely cresting the horizon & they'd driven all night
just to take us to safety
I think they may have been a little punchy...
I didn't relax until halfway to Colorado
never did stop looking over my shoulder
...to this day...it's still ingrained
it was surreal...riding in silence
while my uncle played games in the back with my toddler
and the aunts babbled happily away
vehicle filled with voices &  laughter
it was like I stepped out of my body
landing in an alternate reality
all the chaos & fear of the past week still ringing in my ears
but I was there...being removed from the danger
not knowing how to react but being so grateful
listening to my little girl with her bouncing brown ringlets
singing & giggling
like everything was normal
in retrospect...it was the best gift I could have given her
some semblance of normalcy
as I drifted in & out of sleep in my seat
miles & anxiety fading behind me
I thought...one day this will all seem insignificant
the complexion of it will look a little different
life is bound to get easier
...but it really didn't
I just took each day as it came
doing the best I could with it
and eventually found a rhythm
somehow it's turned out...
...mostly okay
that little girl with the curls is a woman now
asking questions about our past
...perhaps...that's what's triggered these memories...