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Blowing Snows
Cold is the air...Foggy is the breath...A gust of wind...Blowing snow...Once again. Flurry white, crystal lines, lay diagonally...A plate of glass or view of self bent over a mirror. No knowledge of this zombie reflection...Staring back the walking dead...Addict's masks of grins & lies...It hides their cheeks & shades their eyes...With past masquerades time resumes...Dinner party, host the cook...Knowing this monster's meal is tantalizing to the taste...Like fine wine of red...Blood bitter is the bite...Irony ending punch line of self. Macabre, wretched we watch a horrid view...Spinning, spun ballerina dancing away like she was on a stage...Spotlight of humility of self...Doll glassy eyes...Black with a vacancy sign as nobody's home. Eschewing her escape of childhood pretend...Guile of cunning ways tricked her to stay...For she rather twirl dizzly in her out of mind drug haze...Servitude is her condition of being a slave...Thimble of water...Threading the needle..Threading the vein...Threading insane. A toke or a poke, soak in a hot tub...Overdose wake up a siren screams D.O.A. A slice of suicide after dinner dessert of drugs. Dawn is near & reality awakes with a harsh slap of face..Crystal ball, Clear glass bubble...A bong carefully blown. Oil of liquid gold...Torch of light...To see through the thick white smoke of burning fires...Jones dope fiend totally submerged in a dense fog of bliss...In a crack house den, dirty is this pig pen...Foul is this darken night as many before...Blind bats wings in flight...Spiral downward...Crooked is this askew line of lies...Dungeon of self pain...Addiction of affliction...Arisen is the beginning of dark age crucifixion...Mind running towards insane..Self-abuse is the loser roll gain. A precarious path...A treacherous trail...A dangerous dwelling...A bending of the blinds...A tweak peek through the hole...Wavy glass of tears...Streak stains...Rains of pain...A junkie unveils his curtain...A junkie drops his mask...A junkie shroud of no mystery to the addiction...His strain ball & chain.
Published 26th Jan 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
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comments 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
6th Feb 2024 11:46am
I was pulled in as well as Lildragon.
However I wonder if you were to break it up if you would get more reads.
Example
Cold is the air...Foggy is the breath...A gust of wind...Blowing snow...Once again. Flurry white, crystal lines, lay diagonally...A plate of glass or view of self bent over a mirror. No knowledge of this zombie reflection...Staring back the walking dead...Addict's masks of grins & lies...It hides their cheeks & shades their eyes...With past masquerades time resumes…
Dinner party, host the cook...Knowing this monster's meal is tantalizing to the taste...Like fine wine of red...Blood bitter is the bite...Irony ending punch line of self.
Irony ending punch line of self. Macabre, wretched we watch a horrid view...Spinning, spun ballerina dancing away like she was on a stage...Spotlight of humility of self...Doll glassy eyes...Black with a vacancy sign as nobody's home.
And so on :)
when something this good is crowded, a lot of readers won’t even bother to finish the read.
Trust me Lol i write short stories and sometimes get passed over because of the lengths.
Jmho. Also … three dots<<< implies a pause, so you must leave space, and if you overuse it, it’s more like people are breathing in and out more than a pause for thought… i too was told the same, many times :)
I hope you take this critique in which it was intended in friendly advice ☺️
I find the way you write refreshing Chere 👍🏻
I enjoyed the web of direct dialogue you have spawned here . You are a witch, yes? Unsure to whom the monster/s are, perhaps religion?
At any rate this was very interesting.
Thanks for sharing
Write on ✍️
Zazzles
However I wonder if you were to break it up if you would get more reads.
Example
Cold is the air...Foggy is the breath...A gust of wind...Blowing snow...Once again. Flurry white, crystal lines, lay diagonally...A plate of glass or view of self bent over a mirror. No knowledge of this zombie reflection...Staring back the walking dead...Addict's masks of grins & lies...It hides their cheeks & shades their eyes...With past masquerades time resumes…
Dinner party, host the cook...Knowing this monster's meal is tantalizing to the taste...Like fine wine of red...Blood bitter is the bite...Irony ending punch line of self.
Irony ending punch line of self. Macabre, wretched we watch a horrid view...Spinning, spun ballerina dancing away like she was on a stage...Spotlight of humility of self...Doll glassy eyes...Black with a vacancy sign as nobody's home.
And so on :)
when something this good is crowded, a lot of readers won’t even bother to finish the read.
Trust me Lol i write short stories and sometimes get passed over because of the lengths.
Jmho. Also … three dots<<< implies a pause, so you must leave space, and if you overuse it, it’s more like people are breathing in and out more than a pause for thought… i too was told the same, many times :)
I hope you take this critique in which it was intended in friendly advice ☺️
I find the way you write refreshing Chere 👍🏻
I enjoyed the web of direct dialogue you have spawned here . You are a witch, yes? Unsure to whom the monster/s are, perhaps religion?
At any rate this was very interesting.
Thanks for sharing
Write on ✍️
Zazzles
27th Mar 2024 10:04pm
No I'm so appreciative of telling me the truth, that's what it's all about, helping each other... I love it. As you can see how I don't know the form of writing poems or story stories. I just write, ignorant yes, but slowly I'm getting enlightened & love to learn, even @ the age of 58, long time since I graduated college 1989. So thank you from the bottom of my writing heart
28th Mar 2024 11:19am
Absolutely anytime Chere.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/
Here is a place u can go to get advice on writing structure ♥️
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/
Here is a place u can go to get advice on writing structure ♥️
29th Mar 2024 00:03am
You are not ignorant whatsoever, you are talented remember that Chere 👍🏻☺️
Jackie
Jackie
29th Mar 2024 8:53am
