deepundergroundpoetry.com
disappointment
disappointment
slowly crawls to my throat
squeezes it and blocks
my breathing ways
disappointment
is an onion
covered in milk chocolate
and wrapped up
in a nice golden paper
with red bow on top
as soon as you open it up
it stinks
and bitterness makes you
want to cry
there was time
when it seemed so mysterious
and attractive in its closeness
in its wrapper
eyes are teary
because of the revealed onion
and I swallow it
because milk chocolate
is my favourite
and golden
is the colour of my life
my other
imaginary
life
slowly crawls to my throat
squeezes it and blocks
my breathing ways
disappointment
is an onion
covered in milk chocolate
and wrapped up
in a nice golden paper
with red bow on top
as soon as you open it up
it stinks
and bitterness makes you
want to cry
there was time
when it seemed so mysterious
and attractive in its closeness
in its wrapper
eyes are teary
because of the revealed onion
and I swallow it
because milk chocolate
is my favourite
and golden
is the colour of my life
my other
imaginary
life
Published 16th Feb 2010
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16th Feb 2010 10:51pm
...the couch with this one, Natalya. Reality can be the ultimate disappointment, but the good news is we can change what it tastes like for ourselves. There's a loose feel to your language use here which appeals. But I'd prefer you to throw caution to the wind and just go with that, forget about structure, sometimes the rewards for doing so are fantastic and too much editing wont be needed, although after this I'll never eat a chocolate onion again!
18th Feb 2010 6:42pm
hahaha thanks Abra for your positive feedback. at the end you sounded as if you literally have tried chocolate onion before - and after you have read the poem - you realized how disappointing it could be to find onion in your favourite chocolate
16th Feb 2010 11:24pm
I enjoyed the image, although I like onions, it definitely works. I might have gone the whole hog and gone with faeces instead, but I guess that depends on what sort of dissappointment it is. It makes me think of a story I heard of someone giving out chocolate-covered sprouts to trick-or-treaters at haloween.
18th Feb 2010 6:44pm
thank you pelle for your feedback. i'm always amazed when people reveal to me different "faces" of my poems. i'm glad it made you think - that's the best compliment poet or writer could ever get
