deepundergroundpoetry.com
Some
set your pulse racing, bring a blush, and—
we might coyly admit—can be quite a turn-on.
Some amuse, sparking moments of mirth.
And some challenge, demand attention,
stubbornly wrestling with a proud intellect.
But some, maybe not many,
quietly knock, wait and enter, gently
heating, birthing flames in your spirit,
as breath on hot coals.
Their essence extracted, distilled, cast
into a spell, awaiting
incantation by your breath.
Original
*********
set your pulse racing, and some, we might coyly admit — can be quite the turn-on.
Some merely amuse, tickle, bringing momentary mirth.
And some challenge, demand attention,
appealing to, stubbornly wrestling with
proud intellect.
But some, maybe not many,
some quietly knock, wait and enter, gently
heating, birthing flames in your spirit,
as breath on hot coals.
Their essence extracted, distilled, cast
into a spell, awaiting
incantation by your breath.
we might coyly admit—can be quite a turn-on.
Some amuse, sparking moments of mirth.
And some challenge, demand attention,
stubbornly wrestling with a proud intellect.
But some, maybe not many,
quietly knock, wait and enter, gently
heating, birthing flames in your spirit,
as breath on hot coals.
Their essence extracted, distilled, cast
into a spell, awaiting
incantation by your breath.
Original
*********
set your pulse racing, and some, we might coyly admit — can be quite the turn-on.
Some merely amuse, tickle, bringing momentary mirth.
And some challenge, demand attention,
appealing to, stubbornly wrestling with
proud intellect.
But some, maybe not many,
some quietly knock, wait and enter, gently
heating, birthing flames in your spirit,
as breath on hot coals.
Their essence extracted, distilled, cast
into a spell, awaiting
incantation by your breath.
Published 28th Nov 2023
| Edited 2nd Dec 2023
Author's Note
A poem about poems.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
30th Nov 2023 00:54am
I love the essence of this, and it's so true about poetry.
The form is disturbing to me. I believe it's the line breaks, as they suggest a pause ( with or without an end stop ). It's more like the enjambments of certain lines, I believe.
appealing to, stubbornly wrestling with
proud intellect.
To me ( only me ) a good line of poetry can stand on its own; however, a great line of poetry is actually an enjambment that carries on to the reader's surprise. You demonstrate this here:
some quietly knock, wait and enter, gently
heating, birthing flames in your spirit,
L1 ( actually 2 in the stanza but I didn't quote the first ), could stand on its own; however, it's a nice surprise when it continues into L2. Something the previous two lines I quoted don't do.
But some, maybe not many,
some quietly knock, wait and enter, gently
Now I'll quote L1 in this! LOL! I don't feel the repetition of some works here. I don't feel the emphasis is needed. If you removed the comma after 'many' and removed 'some' you would create another awesome enjambment.
Again, I love the essence of the poem as well as the content. It's just the aforementioned that I feel really tighten it up.
The form is disturbing to me. I believe it's the line breaks, as they suggest a pause ( with or without an end stop ). It's more like the enjambments of certain lines, I believe.
appealing to, stubbornly wrestling with
proud intellect.
To me ( only me ) a good line of poetry can stand on its own; however, a great line of poetry is actually an enjambment that carries on to the reader's surprise. You demonstrate this here:
some quietly knock, wait and enter, gently
heating, birthing flames in your spirit,
L1 ( actually 2 in the stanza but I didn't quote the first ), could stand on its own; however, it's a nice surprise when it continues into L2. Something the previous two lines I quoted don't do.
But some, maybe not many,
some quietly knock, wait and enter, gently
Now I'll quote L1 in this! LOL! I don't feel the repetition of some works here. I don't feel the emphasis is needed. If you removed the comma after 'many' and removed 'some' you would create another awesome enjambment.
Again, I love the essence of the poem as well as the content. It's just the aforementioned that I feel really tighten it up.
30th Nov 2023 12:10pm
Hello, thank you for taking the time to read and provide this critique.
What you wrote concerning lines and enjambments was both interesting and enlightening. I agree with what you wrote about the ‘knock, wait, enter’ stanza, and I will adjust the poem accordingly. It just occurs to me that this stanza is unwittingly reminiscent of the words ‘Behold, I stand at the door, and knock …’ Sometimes this happens when writing a poem, and in this sense, it’s as if something else is guiding and adding to the writing.
Thank you again, and I will be revising the poem with your critique in mind :))
What you wrote concerning lines and enjambments was both interesting and enlightening. I agree with what you wrote about the ‘knock, wait, enter’ stanza, and I will adjust the poem accordingly. It just occurs to me that this stanza is unwittingly reminiscent of the words ‘Behold, I stand at the door, and knock …’ Sometimes this happens when writing a poem, and in this sense, it’s as if something else is guiding and adding to the writing.
Thank you again, and I will be revising the poem with your critique in mind :))
