The Straw Hat Photo

a photo I like
is from late afternoon
of the day I met him

He was already gone by then
for over two years it turned out 
but that afternoon
I would be seeing him again
in just a few days

New to the Southwest
the first of two times
I was wearing a silly straw hat
oversized sunglasses
a denim skirt above my knees.

I met him by the mailboxes
got in his car
guided him to the house

What I like about the photo
is my simple shadow
the rough asphalt
a crack in the canvas
for a bright, happy flower

There are surprises in the desert.
some good

He told me what his name meant
He was a tall broad-shouldered man
i wondered why i wasn't more attracted to him
the attraction whispered in
soft
louder
sometimes deafening

my shadow in the photo
is just a shadow
but i was feeling pretty
viable
hopeful
 uncomplicated
sunshine
silly shadow with a straw hat
happy, happy orange flower
tenacious
thriving

there are suprises in the desert
good ones
bad ones

when he vaporized
I turned to other men
a lot of men
making out at red lights
dinner dates
sex
sometimes passionate
sometimes political
the men
I can't remember many of their names
 made me feel pretty
and wanted
I stockpiled them
in case of abandonment
I started seeing one regularly
he took me on great dates
but even trips to Costco
were fun with him

but still...

There are surprises in the desert
quiet whispers
primal shouts
sounds no louder than a cactus in the rain
sounds occurring less frequently
tuning them out
unhearable
a rock concert for snakes

The photo is simple
but times never were
it doesn't matter, really
the orange flower-nothing more than a weed really-
was crushed
dried up
pulled
poisoned
many years ago
but in a photo
I liked the simplicity of

it stupidly lives on