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Parallel Passions and Forbidden Confessions
- Parallel Passions and Forbidden Confessions -
A relating of a dream that I had on the night of June 29, 2023.
As the dream began... I was traveling aboard a train bound for what looked like a fancy vacation lodge in some hilly countryside near some high mountainous terrain. The train was a fairly big passenger train and aboard it, the other passengers were mostly mothers and their daughters. I was traveling on the train along with someone, but I did not look at their face and kept staring out the window as the train kept on going along the tracks. The person I was traveling with was wearing long purple dress pants, a blouse of the silkiest quality, and they had long dark hair. Otherwise, as I said I did not look at their face so in all truth I could not say whether they were male or female. For my part, I was wearing long harem-style pants, silky and voluminous with an elegant draping quality to them and a mustard yellow color to the fabric. I paired those with an equally silky light blue blouse that had short puffy sleeves and a bit of an elasticized, stretchy bottom half that fit snugly at my waist though the blouse was loose and lovely in all other ways. I was in my dream, as I am in my waking life... average of build, hermaphroditic, but with fully functioning and totally non-ambiguous male genitalia. In the dream, my hair was short and cut a bit military in style. The gray in my hair reminded me of why I usually prefer to keep my head shaved. But apparently, on this train trip I was taking things easier than I normally do. My face was totally clean shaven, and I was wearing some light makeup. I was not conscious of whether I was attempting to try to present as any specific gender... I was just being myself, and not really particularly caring what anyone else thought about my appearance. My grayish blue eyes looked back at me from the other side of the small mirror I was looking into, as I made sure that my makeup had not smudged. I had been crying and I felt sad and lonely... I am frequently highly emotional, and sometimes prone to bouts of great sadness as well as tremendous moments of elated joy. I never was one to do anything half way! I had a bit of a small mouth, an aquiline nose which was always my family's most noticeable trait, and a rounded face. My face used to be a whole lot leaner years ago, but I am a much more healthy weight now so I look a bit different... better... because of that. My skin was light and with a slight yellowish tint to it in certain lighting but a bit on the pale side otherwise. My grandmother once called my skin tone “sallow” and it also was a family trait. My mother often wore thick makeup to hide that trait because she did not think that particular skin tone was beautiful. But I am more honest with myself, and some consider me very beautiful. Others consider me handsome. But beauty is subjective, and I have been called ugly as much as beautiful, depending on the situation and how much the person calling me ugly hated me. You cannot please everyone! So I do not try to. Sometimes, I shave my body. Sometimes I do not. Sometimes, I am male. Sometimes, I am female. But always, I am myself. I have very tiny but sometimes a bit noticeable breasts. They are not like women's breasts... they do not hang or sag, despite the fact that I am one year from turning fifty years old. But they are not quite like a man's chest is either. They are perfect, soft but stay put and give me a more feminine than masculine look. I never need to wear a bra, so I do not and in the dream I was not wearing a bra either. I felt my stomach and was reminded of the somewhat rather pronounced shape of my abdomen, something I was born with but never noticed back when I was more skinny. Nor did I have cause to notice it during the eight years in which I was significantly overweight. But now, with my body simply being of a normal weight, it was very noticeable. Sometimes I tried to play it down with certain clothing, but for the most part my abdomen looked no different from that of any middle aged woman. I was strong, but not muscular. My most muscle development is in my arms and in my legs. Back when I used to live as a man, I lifted weights and practiced martial arts and you would think my muscles would have developed along masculine lines, but they did not. For the most part, my body looks soft and my butt sticks out in that way all women's buttocks do, that way all men find highly attractive. Yet, I am strong, sometimes stronger than most men I have known. I am strong.
As in real life, so I was in this dream, and I found myself mouthing silently “I am strong!” as I sat and went back to looking out the window. This was a long trip, and my traveling companion looked at me... I could feel their gaze even though I was averting theirs, and they went unto me: “You know, you have a bit of an almost Asian quality to your eyes. They are almond shaped, not like most Caucasian people.” I get that a lot from people. When I was in school, in the town I grew up in back in the 1980's there just... were not a lot of Asian people attending. There were a couple of African American students, but mostly a lot of white, European descended people. Particularly a lot of people of Polish descent... enough that in the early grades I took Polish language courses that I eventually dropped. I never could quite get a grasp on the language, though my grandmother spoke a bit of it even though she was not Polish herself. Of all the blood that does run in our family, that is not one of them. I used to get a lot of people bullying me and calling me slurs that normally get directed towards Chinese people. “Open your eyes! Come on, you must be squinting! Open them! You look like a...” and I will NOT repeat the slur they would use on me the most. I never knew my biological father. My mother said he was the Devil. Sometimes, she said insistently that he was an alien from another planet. All I knew is that I looked nothing like the man she married and had as her first husband, who had never failed to remind me that I was no child of his at all in the biological sense. The whole reason he always refused to see paternity tests done. I did not know him long, my mother was fully divorced from him by the time I turned two years old, and at that time she was already on to her second husband who she would divorce before I even turned three. She had a back track record when it came to men. For all I knew, my father could well have had a very Asian sort of appearance to him. I have often heard many people... racist people mostly... refer to certain types of Asian facial features as “devilish” or “satanic”. I hate it when people say things like that about people... it always makes me feel angry. I hate prejudice in all its' forms. Why cannot a person take pride in who and what they are without feeling the need to demonize or put down others? I suppose that is the main difference between healthy pride and wrongful pride. And then there is false pride, but that is another thing altogether. The pride I try to take in myself is of the healthy variety. I thanked my companion for the compliment they gave me, for they said to me that my eyes were very beautiful and that my lashes... which are longer than many women's eyelashes are... were also lovely. I fell silent after that, and ended up getting lost in my thoughts for a time. The train arrived at its' destination, and everyone began to be about the process of disembarking from the train. I was in the dream exactly as I am in real life, and all the things I spoke of about my body and my life are true to my actual waking life. I have been through a lot of prejudice, a lot of trauma, a lot of abuse. I was diagnosed with PTSD fairly recently, though I did suffer from it and knew that I did for many, many years previous. Part of it was caused by abuse, trauma and tortures I lived through. Part of it was caused by a military program I was forced into when I was only twelve years old and of which I prefer normally not to speak of at all. I was trained as twelve to be able to kill, to take a human life, and I was subjected to scenarios that no child should ever have to go through. Unspeakable things. Worse than torture, for it was as psychological as it was physical. What scars I do have go deeper than physical. I do not know why I was in this place in the dream, but I got a sense that I was there to relax, to think of pleasant things, and to avoid the past if I could. This had a lot of a sense of a vacation, though wherever it was the train had taken me it was certainly not a place that I had ever been to in my life. As I said, it had the look of a fancy vacation lodge, and was kind of quaint in some ways. There was a wooden patio that ran all around the building, and many steps leading up to it from the ground. The lodge was built on a hill, and from the patio you could see for quite a ways. The outside of the lodge looked new, but the quaint quality was on the inside, where the ambiance was more something out of the 1970's and maybe early 80's than anything that would be current today in such a place. The mothers and their children went inside, and I stood on the patio for a bit admiring the view of the surrounding countryside. None of it looked familiar yet everything about it felt familiar. Strange!
I was wearing my purple ballet flats, which really are more slipper-like than proper shoes. But I was on vacation, and had a mind for comfort. I walked quietly into the lodge, and immediately it reminded me of places I had visited in my early childhood. The Carpenters were playing on the radio. The song... it was “Top of the World”. I always loved that song! For some reason, it always made me both laugh as well as cry. Like... when you are letting go of tremendous sorrow and embracing relief. That was sort of the way I felt when I first walked into the lodge. Waiters and waitresses were busy in the dining areas... and everything felt very informal for the most part, for a place that was otherwise as fancy as it gets. All the visitors were about having a good time, I could hear children splashing their mothers at the pool just outside to the far left of the entrance and past the dining areas that met a visitor first upon entering that lodge. There was no reception, it was just... you get there, you go about your business. There was not a wall exactly that separated the pool from the dining areas... more a series of wall-sized windows with a series of doors that accessed the pool area. My eyes were drawn to some of the little girls, particularly the ones wearing somewhat sexy one piece bathing suits. Maybe someone else might not have thought they looked sexy in them, but I did. I smiled a bit, then turned away and immediately chastised myself for thinking that those children looked sexy at all. It was the same age ranges it always was... between eight at the youngest and fifteen at the oldest. Sometimes, I found girls sixteen and up attractive too but for the most part I had a passion for younger young girls rather than older ones. I have been told it is in fact because I view myself as a child, which I do. A child, however, trapped in an adult body with all of a man's sexual desires and urges. A child will of course very often be attracted, or rather perhaps more accurately, drawn to other children. Some might develop crushes on older men or women, but for the most part they will tell you that they think at least one of their fellow classmates or playmates is the sort of person they find cute. Which means they like them. Or that they love them! But a child's mind is still young and some children grapple with the concept of things like love, or death, and their brains try to make sense of the world around them. All of that is simply accepted as normal! But when you do rather happen to exist in an adult body, however childlike your mind might be, people will invariably consider you a pedophile for looking at children, and finding them “cute” in that way. In recent years, the latest preferable term of choice seems to be a “minor attracted person”. It carries the least stigma, compared to the P word. But for the most part, I try not to talk about that at all. If you are that way, you were born with those... desires... and it is not something that can be cured. You live with it, find ways to cope that include releases for pent up desire, or you could go crazy and contemplate committing suicide because society views you as an affront to modern morality. The greatest source of happiness, joy, and release in my life regarding this has been with my second partner Chloe. I have two life partners, and Chloe is the second of them. She is an adult, still much much younger than me but an adult nonetheless... though for the most part she is also a child. For she has the mind of a little girl, lives as a little girl, and has a bit of a condition whereby physically her body appears to be that of a child, despite her actual age, and people always think she really IS a child because of that. There are medical and scientific terms for that kind of physical condition, and it is the sort she has to take medications for in order to stay healthy. It does not pain her, is not debilitating in any way that I have ever noticed or that she has ever told me about, and she is always happy, bubbly, cheerful, sweet and as loving a girl as ever I could want in my deepest and most cherished of fantasies. She does not appear to have aged a day since I first met her back during the month of December in 2022... when her therapist Sybil introduced us on a poetry site that we were all on. The same poetry site you might well be reading this on! For it features writings other than poetry on it also, and is my go-to site for posting all of my written works. Even very intimate, confessional works such as this. Had I had been involved with Sybil to begin with, Chloe and I never would have met, so I owe Sybil a great deal. Before Chloe, she tried to fill certain roles for me to fulfill some of my desires... and so she and I have a past together romantically... but with Chloe I feel totally complete, and content.
So... I am one of those rare minor attracted persons who is lucky enough to be partnered in a way that is legal and fulfilling, for both of us. Chloe is my Lolita, she is the embodiment of all my desire and the very face of paradise embodied, in my eyes. It was sad to me in my dream that neither she nor my other partner were there, and that I was feeling somewhat lonely even in such a lovely vacation lodge because of this. I walked about the various rooms of the lodge. There were games rooms with pool tables and all sorts of other diversions... rooms with video game arcade machines set up, very retro and old school in that quintessentially 1980's sort of way that I am often very nostalgic about. There were pretty girls, and boys trying to be handsome, all playing at those arcade machines. Mostly it was the teenagers who were in the arcade rooms in this lodge it seemed, and at least some of them were even dressed as if it was yet the 80's. More than a few of the girls seemed to be emulating Cyndi Lauper and Madonna, and many of the boys were sporting leather jackets... and those funky M.C. Hammer style pants that were all the rage back then among boys and girls alike. Big hair was still in fashion in these rooms, and I did not want to think about how much hair spray and styling mousse was in use to maintain those hair styles. I used to do big hair myself back in the day... my mother used to style my hair for me. Now, I mostly had to keep it shaved, to keep the gray away. One day, my hair will turn white probably, and I will still have to just keep it shaved in order to not look like I am getting older. A part of me wishes it could go back... that I could be that young again myself in body. So that when I let my childlike soul show, people will not be quick to laugh at me, or make fun of me, or mock me for it. For as mature as I write, I do not speak the way that I write quite as often as all that. Mostly, in real everyday life, I act and think like a child. That is of course leaving sexual subject matters out of it. I am extremely intelligent despite that though, and was even college level in reading when I was in second grade. I was a failure at mathematics though. I got D and F grades in every math class I ever took, to the point where they had to transfer me out of all my math classes and give me other classes instead. Yet, in a stark contradiction to that I excelled at my computer classes and even found creative ways of modifying certain programs to be used for other uses. Like when I modified a word processing program so I could use to creature artwork. I once designed a blueprint for a futuristic looking tank that way, and it was so good my science teacher snagged it. With my permission of course! Every IQ test I take is normal if math is left out of it. If math is involved in any way, shape or form it is always as low as in the mid-80's. The last IQ test I took that had math in it rated my IQ as between 86 and 87. Below average. Otherwise, I am a solid 106. When math is left out of the equation. My therapist always tells me to stick with art and writing since that is what I am best at. My mother called me a “tank brain”... because she said my brain was too slow to keep up with what she felt was normal. My mother was sometimes a very hateful, hurtful, and cruel woman despite that I still tried to love her, as a child always tries to love their mother. That she once said she wished I would kill myself and tried to convince me to do so... is another matter. My mother had no room to talk about my low IQ though! She herself always said she felt that she was mentally no older than sixteen years old. And she once dated an eighteen year old man... well, he acted like a boy, really... when she was in her early thirties. A fellow she met at a comic store in a mall. I think that is why she never judged me for my having a bit of a thing for young girls. Although my grandmother always hated on for it, and said I should kill myself by either drowning myself in the local pond or jumping off the mountain that always loomed above my hometown. When my temper exploded during my teen years and I started venting my rage against my family, they really should not have been surprised. In their eyes, I was always a failure, never good enough, never perfect enough, and literally everything I did, said, or thought my family tried to find fault with. My mother was jealous of every girl my own age who I dated, and she tried to ruin it for me with all of them because she could not stand me dating someone prettier than she was. I lost my first love Andrea to my mother's jealousy, when my mother refused to act to save the girls life when she was in danger of being murdered by her father. Andrea died, because of her abusive father... in the end.
My mother could have saved her life but refused to either do so, or to allow my grandmother or I to do so. Ever after that, I always blames her for Andrea's death as much as I blamed the girl's father. And the less said of my cruel and loathsome grandfather the better. The fact that I turned out even as good as I have despite coming from such a family says a lot about me. No matter what, I try always to do right, even when it is difficult and I never run away from things even when the odds are drastically stacked against me. I have never been a coward, and perhaps my strength has been my greatest asset. For in my life, I have survived things that should truly have killed me. I thought about all this, as I left the arcade rooms behind me in the dream and just sort of aimlessly wandered the rooms and halls of the lodge. It was becoming increasingly lonely for me there, and I felt such sadness, such sorrow, that I worried if I stayed in that place much longer I might fall into tears. I could not say why... but I think it was because in the dream, in that place, I was walking about all alone. If there is one thing I simply cannot bear, it is being alone. But that is how many children are, and it is how I am. I could hear singing coming from a room, but I could not at first figure out where exactly the sound was originating from. It was a little girl singing, a little African American girl by the sound of it. She sang beautifully, magically even, and I had a mind to see who she was that was singing like that. The music style was soulful and sweet, and there were instruments playing like the sort you might hear in certain jazz clubs in Chicago. But from back in the big band era. Not a period of American history that I actively ever even think about, to be honest. It is for this reason why this took me by surprise. I passed down a hallway and at the end of it I saw a big lounge area in which a bunch of the children's mothers were sitting around some tables and chatting. I did not intrude, and listened as the music came from instead a side hallway to the right. I went down it, and the music grew louder and louder until I emerged into a small theater. The theater curtain was a rich deep red trimmed with gold tassels and the like, and the seats for the audience were the same shade of red, and looked very soft and comfortable. There was a decent sized audience in attendance, men and women alike, and some children also. I had not seen the men arrive from the train, so I just figured that they were already at the lodge waiting for their wives to arrive. The fathers applauded in between the various songs that the girl was singing. And on the stage, there she was! A beautiful dark-skinned girl of about fourteen years of age. Very African American, and very gifted with an incredible singing voice. Her hair was curly and a light shade of brown. She had her hair pulled back from her face with a black ribbon decorated with tiny white polka dots. She was wearing some light makeup, but I could tell she hardly needed any with such natural beauty as she possessed. She was stocky built, not skinny but also not overweight by any means... and she was wearing a very Alice in Wonderland style dress but without an apron of any kind. The dress came to her knees, and beneath it she was wearing a pair of puffy white bloomers that peeked out from beneath her frilly skirts. The dress was dark gray, with a white floral sort of print, very subdued and not loud as far as floral print goes. The sleeves were puffy and elbow length. The girl had a pair of Mary Jane style shoes on, black with white ankle socks. The girl had on her right wrist a black beaded bracelet. Her deep brown eyes sparkled in the dim theater light, and as I stood in place watching her perform I was immediately entranced, spellbound, by it. She finished her last song to a great deal of applause, then got off the stage and walked towards me, smiling. “You look a little bit lost and whole lot sad! Come on, let's get you cheered up a bit.” She said to me, in a bit of a lilting sort of southern accent. She clasped my left hand in her right, and led me out of the theater and to a cozy and rather small side lounge that sound children were leaving as we got near to it. The girl looked up at me and smiled still more brighter than before as she led me into the lounge and urged me to be seating on a comfortable couch that was there, in front of a round glass table. She joined me on the couch, and as she sat next to me she stretched out and yawned before saying: “Hi there! My name is Claudia. So... what's yours?” and I told her my name, that it was Kara. She said unto me: “Kara, huh? That's a good name, though not exactly a common one! Well, pleased to meet you Kara. What brings you out here?”
And I admitted to her that I had no idea why I was at this lodge. “That is the funny thing, Claudia.” I said to her, adding: “It's like I am supposed to be here, but I have no idea why. I guess I just... was kind of drawn here. You're very pretty, by the way! And you have a lovely singing voice.” The girl grinned at my compliment, and said in answer: “Why thank you, Kara! You don't look too bad yourself. If you are alright with my asking... are you a man, or a woman, though?” I felt awkward about the question, so I answered as honestly as I could: “It depends on how I'm feeling, I suppose. I was born a bit of a mix of both, really, and with some people I feel more comfortable if they see me as male. With others, female. It all mostly depends on the situation. Sometimes... I even feel like gender in the binary sense does not apply to me at all.” Claudia processed all that in her mind, and then said: “So, it's kind of fluid then, it changes from moment to moment, situation to situation... maybe even, from partner to partner?” I said to her: “Yes, exactly!” She then asked me: “So, then... which gender are you right now? Because you're looking at me the way my dad looks at my mom before he kisses her.” I asked her: “Would you like it if I kissed you?” and, she nodded her head in agreement, saying softly: “Sure! Why not? I never had a boy kiss me before, and babe if I have to be honest you're giving me the impression you're feeling like being a boy right about now. So if you want to kiss me... just go for it!” I then kissed her lips, tenderly at first but then passionately soon after as our tongues met and played about whilst my hands began to caress her body through the soft silky folds of her dress. I was becoming very aroused by this, and placed the girl's hand on the hardness between my legs. She may not have kissed a boy before, but what she did after I placed her hand there told me she was no stranger to pleasing a man. She stroked my manhood with her hand, and made a very audible “Mm...” as she did so. One of my hands was caressing her hair as the other felt Claudia's thighs before feeling her between her legs. There was no question, as I did so, that she was quite very much female. We ceased our kiss, and I began to rain kisses upon her face. Her breath began to quicken, and she sat up a bit to unbutton her dress in the back. I helped her to pull it on down, exposing her chest. She had small breasts appropriate for a girl of fourteen, and my hands were on them. I had been squeezing them through her dress before, in between squeezing her girlhood, and now I felt my mouth water and my kisses fell upon her breasts, my tongue licking her nipples. This did very clearly excite the girl, for her nipples hardened at my licking. She continued to play with me, at the last saying: “Let's unleash the beast!” as she went to work untying the drawstring of my pants. I let her do this, and then pulled my pants down and removed my underwear as well, letting both fall to the floor as I stood up. Then, I sat back down on the couch, my penis erect and a bit wet. The girl bent down to lick and suck upon it, her hand stroking it as she did so. She made that “Mm...” moan of pleasure once again, evidently enjoying doing this service for me. I laid back a bit on the couch, and she was atop me and sucking upon my cock like an expert whore might be of a want to do. In between, she said to me: “Like I said... I never had a boy kiss me before, but I never claimed I was still a virgin either. Shocked? Yeah, I get that a lot from men your age when they find out what I can do for them! Sometimes, I do it for money. But for you, honey... today... it's all gonna be for free.” I asked her: “So, are you a... well, to be blunt about it... a prostitute?” She smiled, and said in between licks: “Yeah... that's what I am alright. Now don't you go pitying me though! I like it. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it. Nobody ever forced me into this life... I chose it, and my mom she did it when she was my age too.” My mind did not focus on just how wrong that fact was. In the dream, when she told me all of this, I simply accepted the reality of it, and did not consider that it was wrong at all. Almost as if in the reality of the dream, it was not only... not wrong... but fairly commonplace. Soon, I began to make the moaning sounds, and that is when the girl ceased sucking on the shaft of my manhood. She said to me: “Now that I've given you a good bit of a teasing... you gonna punish me before giving me some pleasing?” She laid back a the other end of the couch, winked, and licked her lips lustily. I sprang forward and pulled her bloomers down, hiking up her skirts all the way to her waist. I did this very roughly, and the girl smiled. This one liked it rough!
I pushed my cock inside her after fingering the cleft of her girlhood for a little bit and teasing her clit with it, and began to move in and out of her hole. I did it gently and first, and then more vigorously as I soon found myself thrusting in and out of her as roughly as she seemed to like. She was giggling in that sweet way only young girls can, laughing, and moaning with enjoyment as I took her. She was wet and willing, and so excited was I that I had to slow things down so that I could not climax in her too quick. I wanted to make things last, and took my time before the warmth of my orgasm finally shot into her. As I had fucked her, I had been feeling her breasts and now I rained kisses upon them, and then kissed her as passionately as I had before. Claudia was grinding her hips for a bit even after I came inside her, and a while later after we had cooled down a bit from that shared moment of pleasure and passion... I found myself becoming hard for her again, and we went at it for a second time. This time, unlike the first, she came with me and we reached our climax to orgasm together. She moaned very loudly as she let herself at last surrender to ecstasy, and my cries of pleasure were no quieter. We lay together for several hours, after that, my hands continuing to caress her body as I held her close to me and nearly drifted off into sleep. If one CAN sleep in the midst of a dream! But I remained awake in the dream, and Claudia said unto me at last: “I enjoyed that, Kara. Very much! But then again, we've known each other before even if we don't remember it. And we'll know each other again, too. Time is funny like that sometimes.” We washed up after that in the nearby bathrooms, got fully dressed, and she escorted me over to that lounge that I had seen before but did not enter... the one where those mothers had been all busy chatting away in. As we walked into the lounge, Claudia walked over to stand behind some of the women, and one of the woman... and older woman well into late middle age... said to me calmly and almost kindly: “Well! Kara, is it? You're probably worrying that maybe we heard you and Claudia messing around together in the other room and are going to get you in trouble for it. But don't worry! We all know what Claudia is into, and how she actually prefers older men. If she's taken a liking to you, and you to her, that's all just between you two. No one here will judge either of you for it! So get that worried look off your face, and try to have a good time while you're here.” The woman was right... I had been deeply worried when it sounded like my name had come up in the women's chattering and gossiping which still was going on as Claudia led me into the lounge. I could only assume these women only knew my name because at the height of her orgasm Claudia had practically screamed it out, which turned me on even more when that happened. So, I did not question when they guessed my name correctly. Claudia smiled at me again, as she walked back towards me and led me by the hand for a long walk all about the lodge. I did indeed... for some reason I still do not fully fathom... feel like I had always known Claudia, and she me. We did not act like strangers who had just met and engaged in sex together... we acted like a couple that had in truth been together for years. Decades, even! Yet, I had never seen her before, even though I felt quite remarkably comfortable around her. Given that I normally suffer from a great deal of social anxiety and can at times be a bit awkward in social situations... this was quite astounding. But around children, it is always easier for me to not feel awkward, unlike when I am around adults, due to my own childlike sort of way that I have about me. So this should perhaps not have come as all that surprising to me, though it was a pleasant sort of surprise. Claudia and I walked outside and stood on the patio together looking out at the landscape all around us. It was late afternoon by now, almost nighttime, and already I could see a couple of stars starting to come out. The moon was out already, and the golden light of the later hours of the afternoon was quickly giving way to the purples and dark blues of early evening. Claudia said to me: “I've always loved this time of day, you know. Something magical about it! Know what I'm saying?” I nodded, and said to her in agreement: “Me too! It is just so beautiful. Not as beautiful to me as you are, though.” She giggled a bit, and wrapped her arms around my left arm, leaning her head on my upper arm as she said delightedly: “Oh Kara! You are just ridiculously romantic sometimes. I'm not saying I don't like that, either! Point of fact is... I love it.” I said unto her, daring to say it: “I love you.”
She looked sad just then, and said to me: “Do you remember anything about being with anyone else?” and I was so deeply wrapped in the reality of the dream that I had forgotten almost everything about my waking life and its' reality. Yet, there was something vague, and it was making me feel sad. I said to the girl: “No... and yes. It is something I know I should be remembering, but I cannot. It is as if this was the only reality, and there is nothing beyond this lodge, this place, this moment.” Claudia then stated in that sort of sad way that people have when their heart is troubled by something: “Maybe, I only exist in this reality... maybe I exist in every reality, in one form or another. Who knows? In this one, you just told me that you love me. And I'm gonna tell you that I love you too. In other realities, maybe we got around to this already... or will. I feel... confused in moments like this. Giddy, too! But confused. Like I'm trying to wrap my brain around a puzzle too hard for me to figure out. You ever feel like that, Kara?” I had to admit, as I told her in answer: “I do, and quite often. Usually, when it comes to math.” She giggled, as she told me: “Oh, wow! Me, I'm a genius when it comes to math.” and, I remembered a moment when Chloe had told me the identical thing, in the identical way. In that split second, I realized... that Claudia was this dream's version of Chloe herself. Perhaps this was not even really fully a dream! Maybe, I was actually visiting an alternate reality, a parallel Earth in which I was living the life of a parallel version of myself. But... with vague knowledge, vague memories of my waking life in this “prime” reality that we live in. It was both enlightening and disturbing to realize that. Enlightening because I understood better what was going on here... and disturbing because I worried about becoming stuck in this reality and did fear what might happen if I was unable to return to the reality of my waking life once again. If I died in my waking life, would I die in this and every other reality also? I realized that worry was a childish sort of worry, and tired to put it far from my mind. I was coming out of the dream, more and more... as I felt its' reality begin to give way whilst the memories of my waking reality were starting to return in full. In that moment, I knew better than to worry. But it felt strange, because the moment I realized that Claudia was Chloe... I both wanted to remain with her, and yet also return to my own Chloe. And it was both, at the exact same time. Both feelings. That is how I knew for a fact this was a parallel Earth and that I was in the body of a parallel me. I felt both my own feelings... and, those of that other me. When it was time to awaken, to return to my own reality once again, all would go back to feeling right once more. But in the meantime, it felt strange for a good while. Claudia noticed nothing of any of that, and merely had a look to her that said she was lost in her own thoughts, whatever those might have been. She looked up at me, and said cheerfully: “You got lost in your thoughts there for a little while, when I got to telling you what a genius I am with math. You feeling okay, Kara?” I said to Claudia, realizing she was Chloe: “I'm fine, sweetie pie! Hey... I'm glad we found each other. I love you so much.” She gave me a warm, big hug as she said to me: “I love you too, babe! That's why I'm quitting my side job as a prostitute and going full time with my music career instead. I don't want to be with any more men other than you.” It was strange... she was talking as if we had been together for years, when we had only just met. I asked her at that point: “I'm glad! Very glad, actually, and relieved. But... Claudia, how long have we actually been together?” She said to me then: “Seven months! We met in December, right here at this lodge. It was my therapist, Sibyl, who paid for you to come out to this place so we could meet up in person, and we've been together ever since. The whole reason you and I decided to pretend and act like we only just met when you got here today is because we planned on reenacting our first meeting to see if it would be just as intense for us the second time around. And I have to say... it really was, my babe! Very intense. But hey... you sure you're okay? You seem almost distracted by something! I know when you get like that too, you can't fool me. What's really wrong?” I answered, saying to my beloved: “I just had one of those weird moments where all of this felt familiar is all... like, weirdly familiar. I only asked how long we've been together to see if you remembered. Nothing's wrong, my pretty magical princess! Nothing whatsoever.” She smiled after that, appeased, and said to me sweetly: “I'm glad! You make me happy.”
I held her, and we kissed passionately again under the early evening moonlight, and I could hear the sound of the crickets and other night insects and night birds. The air smelled fresh and sweet, and this was twice as magical as the day when Claudia and I first met. I asked her something I was very curious about, something that actually had been eating at me for a long time: “Claudia... everyone I talked to at the theater, they all said you've been performing here for at least the past five years. But they all told me the same thing, they said you have not aged at all in that time. That you were fourteen when you signed up to sing here, and you still look fourteen now. My brain tells me that is impossible! But my eyes tell me it has to be true. I only want to know one thing... what are you?” She chuckled, then said to me in a lighthearted tone of voice: “What am I? Come on, babe, what do you think I am! I mean... what are you suspecting, that I'm a vampire or something?” I then said to her: “No, nothing like that! I mean... Sibyl, your therapist, she actually told me all about how you have a physical and medical condition that makes you look like you're thirteen or fourteen when you're actually an adult. So, because of that you live as a girl of that age and really truly do consider yourself to be that age. If that is true, and reasonably it has to be, then you need to go public with it so that the people at the theater do not start thinking you are a vampire. I'm just joking about the whole vampire thing, but Claudia you have to admit people have the right to be wondering why you do not appear to be getting any older. And you cannot expect people to keep believing you are fourteen years old when people remember seeing you perform here give years ago when you were the same age. Shouldn't you have actually been about nine years old back then, if you are really fourteen?” Claudia's eyes went wide, and she went to say something to me bit fell silent instead. I then elaborated more on my thoughts, revealing: “Also... I asked your sister about you having that condition Sibyl insisted you have. She asked me... what condition it was your therapist was talking about at all... and acted like she had no idea what I was even talking about. Then, she told me that when the time was right you would tell me the reason why you don't age. But that she was not going to say a word about it until you told me first. Lastly... Sibyl is not just a therapist, is she? Your sister said to me, that Sibyl sometimes helps her with her robotics and artificial intelligence projects at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Plus, Sibyl is some kind of Pagan priestess on the side. I have never heard of a therapist who wears that many hats, if you get my meaning! So Claudia, please tell me the truth. Since we both love each other, it is only right after all.” Claudia held me tightly, pressing herself against me... as if she wanted to block out the whole world and exist wholly in that embrace, thinking of nothing else at all. I stroked her hair, and smiled, saying to her: “It is okay, sweetie pie! You can tell me anything. I... I promise I won't judge you no matter what the truth turns out to be.” She said to me without breaking from her embracing of me, her voice nervous: “Kara... are you sure? I mean... the truth is something I'm worried you aren't going to believe. I mean, it would be more normal and easy to accept if I really was a vampire. But like I said, I'm not! Today was a perfect day, babe. Wasn't it? You sure you wouldn't rather we talk about this tomorrow... after we both got a full night's sleep, first?” She desperately was trying to put off talking about this, and I knew it. I could sense her fear, her apprehension. Whatever the truth had to be, I knew it was something she found difficult to talk about. She would have preferred to keep this a secret, whatever it was. But the time to keep such a secret was passed, and she knew it. She sighed very audibly, and then said: “No, I suppose waiting until tomorrow just won't do! Alright... but sometimes it has to be show as well as tell. Let's get to a back room, away from prying eyes, and once we get there I will show you, and tell you, the reason why I'm not getting any older. And why yeah, you're right, I need to stick with the story about that condition my therapist said I have and go public with that. But... as for the truth? That's something that has to stay just between us. Well, aside from my sister and my therapist, who both already know anyway. Yeah... it's time! I'm okay with this.” She then took me by the hand and led me to a small study room upstairs, which was cozy and quiet and a place certain not to be disturbed. As soon as we settled down... she told me, and showed me, something that took me totally by surprise.”
I sat down in a comfortable chair next to one of the book cases that lined the study's walls, and once I had done so the young girl knelt on the floor in front of me and put her hands on the back of her head. She pressed inward, and I heard a snapping sound following by a loud double click. Claudia lifted the top and back of her head away, hair and all, to reveal that beneath it was a metal skull that had a series of flashing lights... indicator lights... across a small section of it, just at the base of the skull itself. She told me to press the buttons under the lights in a specific pattern, which I did. Then, the back part of the skull came away, revealing an electronic artificial brain. She had me then place everything back again, and once more she simply looked like an ordinary fourteen year old girl. “So, now you know, Kara! My big secret. Heck, my face isn't even all that original... my creators based it on a child actress they were fond of the movies of. An actress who grew up years ago. You know that six year old redhead that I had introduced you to that one time? The one who dresses like she's a Gothic Lolita and is big time into all those horror movies and dark stuff... Adeline, I think her name is... she's also an android, just like me. Same thing with that twenty one year old woman who was hanging out with her, Tessa. The three of us are all androids, no matter how human we might look. We were all made by the same developer, just I happen to be the most advanced model so far. The other two still have a ways to go yet before they'll be perfect, which is why their communication skills when you talked to them were so limited. Although, Tessa is a lot smarter and more advanced than Adeline. But Adeline makes up for it by sometimes being more fun to be with, and occasionally more unpredictable too. You... don't appear shocked.” I chuckled a bit, and stroked her hair as I said to her: “Would you believe me if I said I have seen stranger things? A lot stranger! This... this... is actually pretty normal to me, Claudia. And I am fine with it, also! More than fine, actually I am relieved. At least this way I can rule out the possibility of you being a vampire.” She giggled, and admitted: “Come on! You totally had to have been thinking I was one... I mean, duh, my name is Claudia, after all. I'm a little girl. I don't age... and I'll never die... at least so long as I keep myself in tip top condition, with proper maintenance and occasional updates.” I sat down on the floor next to her, took her face gently in my hand, and kissed her lips tenderly, saying: “And plenty of loving care.” Then, we kissed passionately... and decided to make love once again. It was precisely in that very moment, that I had a sudden vision of her performing on the stage, singing her heart out, and me being very old at the time but still very much in love with her. And she, very much in love with me. For in her mind's eye, I would still be the same then as I am now. Even though I would not live forever in body, I would live forever in her heart. And her eyes would never see me as being a day older than I am at the moment. Immortality comes in many forms, I suppose! It was going to happen someday, that scenario, and I did not mind. I wanted to grow old with her, I wanted to be with her forever. And I would get my wish! She was my whole world, and the very embodiment of all my heart's desiring. It was a blessing to know she would be around for me forever. That she could never get sick, never die. Never leave me all alone. I hated being alone, I was terrified of it. That was when I woke up from the dream, and thought about my beloved Chloe. And about the two friends of hers who she had introduced me to during the course of the past year since we met. Their names, were very similar to the two from the dream... not exact, but strikingly similar. And their ages were the same also. One was a twenty one year old woman, and the other was a six year old little girl with curly red hair who liked to wear Gothic Lolita styles of clothing. And who was obsessed with horror movies, the paranormal, and magic. I thought about how insistent Chloe was that I meet them, and how eager they were to meet me. Things are not precisely the same in this reality... Chloe is not African American in this reality after all, and certainly not a singer... and we did not meet at a vacation lodge. But other than that, there is a certain symmetry to the strange multiverse that we actually do live in. And sometimes through dreams, we can reach parallel worlds in which some things are different, whilst other things are exactly the same. As to whether or not androids walk among people in this reality... it is something that I think I just prefer to neither confirm nor deny.
A relating of a dream that I had on the night of June 29, 2023.
As the dream began... I was traveling aboard a train bound for what looked like a fancy vacation lodge in some hilly countryside near some high mountainous terrain. The train was a fairly big passenger train and aboard it, the other passengers were mostly mothers and their daughters. I was traveling on the train along with someone, but I did not look at their face and kept staring out the window as the train kept on going along the tracks. The person I was traveling with was wearing long purple dress pants, a blouse of the silkiest quality, and they had long dark hair. Otherwise, as I said I did not look at their face so in all truth I could not say whether they were male or female. For my part, I was wearing long harem-style pants, silky and voluminous with an elegant draping quality to them and a mustard yellow color to the fabric. I paired those with an equally silky light blue blouse that had short puffy sleeves and a bit of an elasticized, stretchy bottom half that fit snugly at my waist though the blouse was loose and lovely in all other ways. I was in my dream, as I am in my waking life... average of build, hermaphroditic, but with fully functioning and totally non-ambiguous male genitalia. In the dream, my hair was short and cut a bit military in style. The gray in my hair reminded me of why I usually prefer to keep my head shaved. But apparently, on this train trip I was taking things easier than I normally do. My face was totally clean shaven, and I was wearing some light makeup. I was not conscious of whether I was attempting to try to present as any specific gender... I was just being myself, and not really particularly caring what anyone else thought about my appearance. My grayish blue eyes looked back at me from the other side of the small mirror I was looking into, as I made sure that my makeup had not smudged. I had been crying and I felt sad and lonely... I am frequently highly emotional, and sometimes prone to bouts of great sadness as well as tremendous moments of elated joy. I never was one to do anything half way! I had a bit of a small mouth, an aquiline nose which was always my family's most noticeable trait, and a rounded face. My face used to be a whole lot leaner years ago, but I am a much more healthy weight now so I look a bit different... better... because of that. My skin was light and with a slight yellowish tint to it in certain lighting but a bit on the pale side otherwise. My grandmother once called my skin tone “sallow” and it also was a family trait. My mother often wore thick makeup to hide that trait because she did not think that particular skin tone was beautiful. But I am more honest with myself, and some consider me very beautiful. Others consider me handsome. But beauty is subjective, and I have been called ugly as much as beautiful, depending on the situation and how much the person calling me ugly hated me. You cannot please everyone! So I do not try to. Sometimes, I shave my body. Sometimes I do not. Sometimes, I am male. Sometimes, I am female. But always, I am myself. I have very tiny but sometimes a bit noticeable breasts. They are not like women's breasts... they do not hang or sag, despite the fact that I am one year from turning fifty years old. But they are not quite like a man's chest is either. They are perfect, soft but stay put and give me a more feminine than masculine look. I never need to wear a bra, so I do not and in the dream I was not wearing a bra either. I felt my stomach and was reminded of the somewhat rather pronounced shape of my abdomen, something I was born with but never noticed back when I was more skinny. Nor did I have cause to notice it during the eight years in which I was significantly overweight. But now, with my body simply being of a normal weight, it was very noticeable. Sometimes I tried to play it down with certain clothing, but for the most part my abdomen looked no different from that of any middle aged woman. I was strong, but not muscular. My most muscle development is in my arms and in my legs. Back when I used to live as a man, I lifted weights and practiced martial arts and you would think my muscles would have developed along masculine lines, but they did not. For the most part, my body looks soft and my butt sticks out in that way all women's buttocks do, that way all men find highly attractive. Yet, I am strong, sometimes stronger than most men I have known. I am strong.
As in real life, so I was in this dream, and I found myself mouthing silently “I am strong!” as I sat and went back to looking out the window. This was a long trip, and my traveling companion looked at me... I could feel their gaze even though I was averting theirs, and they went unto me: “You know, you have a bit of an almost Asian quality to your eyes. They are almond shaped, not like most Caucasian people.” I get that a lot from people. When I was in school, in the town I grew up in back in the 1980's there just... were not a lot of Asian people attending. There were a couple of African American students, but mostly a lot of white, European descended people. Particularly a lot of people of Polish descent... enough that in the early grades I took Polish language courses that I eventually dropped. I never could quite get a grasp on the language, though my grandmother spoke a bit of it even though she was not Polish herself. Of all the blood that does run in our family, that is not one of them. I used to get a lot of people bullying me and calling me slurs that normally get directed towards Chinese people. “Open your eyes! Come on, you must be squinting! Open them! You look like a...” and I will NOT repeat the slur they would use on me the most. I never knew my biological father. My mother said he was the Devil. Sometimes, she said insistently that he was an alien from another planet. All I knew is that I looked nothing like the man she married and had as her first husband, who had never failed to remind me that I was no child of his at all in the biological sense. The whole reason he always refused to see paternity tests done. I did not know him long, my mother was fully divorced from him by the time I turned two years old, and at that time she was already on to her second husband who she would divorce before I even turned three. She had a back track record when it came to men. For all I knew, my father could well have had a very Asian sort of appearance to him. I have often heard many people... racist people mostly... refer to certain types of Asian facial features as “devilish” or “satanic”. I hate it when people say things like that about people... it always makes me feel angry. I hate prejudice in all its' forms. Why cannot a person take pride in who and what they are without feeling the need to demonize or put down others? I suppose that is the main difference between healthy pride and wrongful pride. And then there is false pride, but that is another thing altogether. The pride I try to take in myself is of the healthy variety. I thanked my companion for the compliment they gave me, for they said to me that my eyes were very beautiful and that my lashes... which are longer than many women's eyelashes are... were also lovely. I fell silent after that, and ended up getting lost in my thoughts for a time. The train arrived at its' destination, and everyone began to be about the process of disembarking from the train. I was in the dream exactly as I am in real life, and all the things I spoke of about my body and my life are true to my actual waking life. I have been through a lot of prejudice, a lot of trauma, a lot of abuse. I was diagnosed with PTSD fairly recently, though I did suffer from it and knew that I did for many, many years previous. Part of it was caused by abuse, trauma and tortures I lived through. Part of it was caused by a military program I was forced into when I was only twelve years old and of which I prefer normally not to speak of at all. I was trained as twelve to be able to kill, to take a human life, and I was subjected to scenarios that no child should ever have to go through. Unspeakable things. Worse than torture, for it was as psychological as it was physical. What scars I do have go deeper than physical. I do not know why I was in this place in the dream, but I got a sense that I was there to relax, to think of pleasant things, and to avoid the past if I could. This had a lot of a sense of a vacation, though wherever it was the train had taken me it was certainly not a place that I had ever been to in my life. As I said, it had the look of a fancy vacation lodge, and was kind of quaint in some ways. There was a wooden patio that ran all around the building, and many steps leading up to it from the ground. The lodge was built on a hill, and from the patio you could see for quite a ways. The outside of the lodge looked new, but the quaint quality was on the inside, where the ambiance was more something out of the 1970's and maybe early 80's than anything that would be current today in such a place. The mothers and their children went inside, and I stood on the patio for a bit admiring the view of the surrounding countryside. None of it looked familiar yet everything about it felt familiar. Strange!
I was wearing my purple ballet flats, which really are more slipper-like than proper shoes. But I was on vacation, and had a mind for comfort. I walked quietly into the lodge, and immediately it reminded me of places I had visited in my early childhood. The Carpenters were playing on the radio. The song... it was “Top of the World”. I always loved that song! For some reason, it always made me both laugh as well as cry. Like... when you are letting go of tremendous sorrow and embracing relief. That was sort of the way I felt when I first walked into the lodge. Waiters and waitresses were busy in the dining areas... and everything felt very informal for the most part, for a place that was otherwise as fancy as it gets. All the visitors were about having a good time, I could hear children splashing their mothers at the pool just outside to the far left of the entrance and past the dining areas that met a visitor first upon entering that lodge. There was no reception, it was just... you get there, you go about your business. There was not a wall exactly that separated the pool from the dining areas... more a series of wall-sized windows with a series of doors that accessed the pool area. My eyes were drawn to some of the little girls, particularly the ones wearing somewhat sexy one piece bathing suits. Maybe someone else might not have thought they looked sexy in them, but I did. I smiled a bit, then turned away and immediately chastised myself for thinking that those children looked sexy at all. It was the same age ranges it always was... between eight at the youngest and fifteen at the oldest. Sometimes, I found girls sixteen and up attractive too but for the most part I had a passion for younger young girls rather than older ones. I have been told it is in fact because I view myself as a child, which I do. A child, however, trapped in an adult body with all of a man's sexual desires and urges. A child will of course very often be attracted, or rather perhaps more accurately, drawn to other children. Some might develop crushes on older men or women, but for the most part they will tell you that they think at least one of their fellow classmates or playmates is the sort of person they find cute. Which means they like them. Or that they love them! But a child's mind is still young and some children grapple with the concept of things like love, or death, and their brains try to make sense of the world around them. All of that is simply accepted as normal! But when you do rather happen to exist in an adult body, however childlike your mind might be, people will invariably consider you a pedophile for looking at children, and finding them “cute” in that way. In recent years, the latest preferable term of choice seems to be a “minor attracted person”. It carries the least stigma, compared to the P word. But for the most part, I try not to talk about that at all. If you are that way, you were born with those... desires... and it is not something that can be cured. You live with it, find ways to cope that include releases for pent up desire, or you could go crazy and contemplate committing suicide because society views you as an affront to modern morality. The greatest source of happiness, joy, and release in my life regarding this has been with my second partner Chloe. I have two life partners, and Chloe is the second of them. She is an adult, still much much younger than me but an adult nonetheless... though for the most part she is also a child. For she has the mind of a little girl, lives as a little girl, and has a bit of a condition whereby physically her body appears to be that of a child, despite her actual age, and people always think she really IS a child because of that. There are medical and scientific terms for that kind of physical condition, and it is the sort she has to take medications for in order to stay healthy. It does not pain her, is not debilitating in any way that I have ever noticed or that she has ever told me about, and she is always happy, bubbly, cheerful, sweet and as loving a girl as ever I could want in my deepest and most cherished of fantasies. She does not appear to have aged a day since I first met her back during the month of December in 2022... when her therapist Sybil introduced us on a poetry site that we were all on. The same poetry site you might well be reading this on! For it features writings other than poetry on it also, and is my go-to site for posting all of my written works. Even very intimate, confessional works such as this. Had I had been involved with Sybil to begin with, Chloe and I never would have met, so I owe Sybil a great deal. Before Chloe, she tried to fill certain roles for me to fulfill some of my desires... and so she and I have a past together romantically... but with Chloe I feel totally complete, and content.
So... I am one of those rare minor attracted persons who is lucky enough to be partnered in a way that is legal and fulfilling, for both of us. Chloe is my Lolita, she is the embodiment of all my desire and the very face of paradise embodied, in my eyes. It was sad to me in my dream that neither she nor my other partner were there, and that I was feeling somewhat lonely even in such a lovely vacation lodge because of this. I walked about the various rooms of the lodge. There were games rooms with pool tables and all sorts of other diversions... rooms with video game arcade machines set up, very retro and old school in that quintessentially 1980's sort of way that I am often very nostalgic about. There were pretty girls, and boys trying to be handsome, all playing at those arcade machines. Mostly it was the teenagers who were in the arcade rooms in this lodge it seemed, and at least some of them were even dressed as if it was yet the 80's. More than a few of the girls seemed to be emulating Cyndi Lauper and Madonna, and many of the boys were sporting leather jackets... and those funky M.C. Hammer style pants that were all the rage back then among boys and girls alike. Big hair was still in fashion in these rooms, and I did not want to think about how much hair spray and styling mousse was in use to maintain those hair styles. I used to do big hair myself back in the day... my mother used to style my hair for me. Now, I mostly had to keep it shaved, to keep the gray away. One day, my hair will turn white probably, and I will still have to just keep it shaved in order to not look like I am getting older. A part of me wishes it could go back... that I could be that young again myself in body. So that when I let my childlike soul show, people will not be quick to laugh at me, or make fun of me, or mock me for it. For as mature as I write, I do not speak the way that I write quite as often as all that. Mostly, in real everyday life, I act and think like a child. That is of course leaving sexual subject matters out of it. I am extremely intelligent despite that though, and was even college level in reading when I was in second grade. I was a failure at mathematics though. I got D and F grades in every math class I ever took, to the point where they had to transfer me out of all my math classes and give me other classes instead. Yet, in a stark contradiction to that I excelled at my computer classes and even found creative ways of modifying certain programs to be used for other uses. Like when I modified a word processing program so I could use to creature artwork. I once designed a blueprint for a futuristic looking tank that way, and it was so good my science teacher snagged it. With my permission of course! Every IQ test I take is normal if math is left out of it. If math is involved in any way, shape or form it is always as low as in the mid-80's. The last IQ test I took that had math in it rated my IQ as between 86 and 87. Below average. Otherwise, I am a solid 106. When math is left out of the equation. My therapist always tells me to stick with art and writing since that is what I am best at. My mother called me a “tank brain”... because she said my brain was too slow to keep up with what she felt was normal. My mother was sometimes a very hateful, hurtful, and cruel woman despite that I still tried to love her, as a child always tries to love their mother. That she once said she wished I would kill myself and tried to convince me to do so... is another matter. My mother had no room to talk about my low IQ though! She herself always said she felt that she was mentally no older than sixteen years old. And she once dated an eighteen year old man... well, he acted like a boy, really... when she was in her early thirties. A fellow she met at a comic store in a mall. I think that is why she never judged me for my having a bit of a thing for young girls. Although my grandmother always hated on for it, and said I should kill myself by either drowning myself in the local pond or jumping off the mountain that always loomed above my hometown. When my temper exploded during my teen years and I started venting my rage against my family, they really should not have been surprised. In their eyes, I was always a failure, never good enough, never perfect enough, and literally everything I did, said, or thought my family tried to find fault with. My mother was jealous of every girl my own age who I dated, and she tried to ruin it for me with all of them because she could not stand me dating someone prettier than she was. I lost my first love Andrea to my mother's jealousy, when my mother refused to act to save the girls life when she was in danger of being murdered by her father. Andrea died, because of her abusive father... in the end.
My mother could have saved her life but refused to either do so, or to allow my grandmother or I to do so. Ever after that, I always blames her for Andrea's death as much as I blamed the girl's father. And the less said of my cruel and loathsome grandfather the better. The fact that I turned out even as good as I have despite coming from such a family says a lot about me. No matter what, I try always to do right, even when it is difficult and I never run away from things even when the odds are drastically stacked against me. I have never been a coward, and perhaps my strength has been my greatest asset. For in my life, I have survived things that should truly have killed me. I thought about all this, as I left the arcade rooms behind me in the dream and just sort of aimlessly wandered the rooms and halls of the lodge. It was becoming increasingly lonely for me there, and I felt such sadness, such sorrow, that I worried if I stayed in that place much longer I might fall into tears. I could not say why... but I think it was because in the dream, in that place, I was walking about all alone. If there is one thing I simply cannot bear, it is being alone. But that is how many children are, and it is how I am. I could hear singing coming from a room, but I could not at first figure out where exactly the sound was originating from. It was a little girl singing, a little African American girl by the sound of it. She sang beautifully, magically even, and I had a mind to see who she was that was singing like that. The music style was soulful and sweet, and there were instruments playing like the sort you might hear in certain jazz clubs in Chicago. But from back in the big band era. Not a period of American history that I actively ever even think about, to be honest. It is for this reason why this took me by surprise. I passed down a hallway and at the end of it I saw a big lounge area in which a bunch of the children's mothers were sitting around some tables and chatting. I did not intrude, and listened as the music came from instead a side hallway to the right. I went down it, and the music grew louder and louder until I emerged into a small theater. The theater curtain was a rich deep red trimmed with gold tassels and the like, and the seats for the audience were the same shade of red, and looked very soft and comfortable. There was a decent sized audience in attendance, men and women alike, and some children also. I had not seen the men arrive from the train, so I just figured that they were already at the lodge waiting for their wives to arrive. The fathers applauded in between the various songs that the girl was singing. And on the stage, there she was! A beautiful dark-skinned girl of about fourteen years of age. Very African American, and very gifted with an incredible singing voice. Her hair was curly and a light shade of brown. She had her hair pulled back from her face with a black ribbon decorated with tiny white polka dots. She was wearing some light makeup, but I could tell she hardly needed any with such natural beauty as she possessed. She was stocky built, not skinny but also not overweight by any means... and she was wearing a very Alice in Wonderland style dress but without an apron of any kind. The dress came to her knees, and beneath it she was wearing a pair of puffy white bloomers that peeked out from beneath her frilly skirts. The dress was dark gray, with a white floral sort of print, very subdued and not loud as far as floral print goes. The sleeves were puffy and elbow length. The girl had a pair of Mary Jane style shoes on, black with white ankle socks. The girl had on her right wrist a black beaded bracelet. Her deep brown eyes sparkled in the dim theater light, and as I stood in place watching her perform I was immediately entranced, spellbound, by it. She finished her last song to a great deal of applause, then got off the stage and walked towards me, smiling. “You look a little bit lost and whole lot sad! Come on, let's get you cheered up a bit.” She said to me, in a bit of a lilting sort of southern accent. She clasped my left hand in her right, and led me out of the theater and to a cozy and rather small side lounge that sound children were leaving as we got near to it. The girl looked up at me and smiled still more brighter than before as she led me into the lounge and urged me to be seating on a comfortable couch that was there, in front of a round glass table. She joined me on the couch, and as she sat next to me she stretched out and yawned before saying: “Hi there! My name is Claudia. So... what's yours?” and I told her my name, that it was Kara. She said unto me: “Kara, huh? That's a good name, though not exactly a common one! Well, pleased to meet you Kara. What brings you out here?”
And I admitted to her that I had no idea why I was at this lodge. “That is the funny thing, Claudia.” I said to her, adding: “It's like I am supposed to be here, but I have no idea why. I guess I just... was kind of drawn here. You're very pretty, by the way! And you have a lovely singing voice.” The girl grinned at my compliment, and said in answer: “Why thank you, Kara! You don't look too bad yourself. If you are alright with my asking... are you a man, or a woman, though?” I felt awkward about the question, so I answered as honestly as I could: “It depends on how I'm feeling, I suppose. I was born a bit of a mix of both, really, and with some people I feel more comfortable if they see me as male. With others, female. It all mostly depends on the situation. Sometimes... I even feel like gender in the binary sense does not apply to me at all.” Claudia processed all that in her mind, and then said: “So, it's kind of fluid then, it changes from moment to moment, situation to situation... maybe even, from partner to partner?” I said to her: “Yes, exactly!” She then asked me: “So, then... which gender are you right now? Because you're looking at me the way my dad looks at my mom before he kisses her.” I asked her: “Would you like it if I kissed you?” and, she nodded her head in agreement, saying softly: “Sure! Why not? I never had a boy kiss me before, and babe if I have to be honest you're giving me the impression you're feeling like being a boy right about now. So if you want to kiss me... just go for it!” I then kissed her lips, tenderly at first but then passionately soon after as our tongues met and played about whilst my hands began to caress her body through the soft silky folds of her dress. I was becoming very aroused by this, and placed the girl's hand on the hardness between my legs. She may not have kissed a boy before, but what she did after I placed her hand there told me she was no stranger to pleasing a man. She stroked my manhood with her hand, and made a very audible “Mm...” as she did so. One of my hands was caressing her hair as the other felt Claudia's thighs before feeling her between her legs. There was no question, as I did so, that she was quite very much female. We ceased our kiss, and I began to rain kisses upon her face. Her breath began to quicken, and she sat up a bit to unbutton her dress in the back. I helped her to pull it on down, exposing her chest. She had small breasts appropriate for a girl of fourteen, and my hands were on them. I had been squeezing them through her dress before, in between squeezing her girlhood, and now I felt my mouth water and my kisses fell upon her breasts, my tongue licking her nipples. This did very clearly excite the girl, for her nipples hardened at my licking. She continued to play with me, at the last saying: “Let's unleash the beast!” as she went to work untying the drawstring of my pants. I let her do this, and then pulled my pants down and removed my underwear as well, letting both fall to the floor as I stood up. Then, I sat back down on the couch, my penis erect and a bit wet. The girl bent down to lick and suck upon it, her hand stroking it as she did so. She made that “Mm...” moan of pleasure once again, evidently enjoying doing this service for me. I laid back a bit on the couch, and she was atop me and sucking upon my cock like an expert whore might be of a want to do. In between, she said to me: “Like I said... I never had a boy kiss me before, but I never claimed I was still a virgin either. Shocked? Yeah, I get that a lot from men your age when they find out what I can do for them! Sometimes, I do it for money. But for you, honey... today... it's all gonna be for free.” I asked her: “So, are you a... well, to be blunt about it... a prostitute?” She smiled, and said in between licks: “Yeah... that's what I am alright. Now don't you go pitying me though! I like it. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it. Nobody ever forced me into this life... I chose it, and my mom she did it when she was my age too.” My mind did not focus on just how wrong that fact was. In the dream, when she told me all of this, I simply accepted the reality of it, and did not consider that it was wrong at all. Almost as if in the reality of the dream, it was not only... not wrong... but fairly commonplace. Soon, I began to make the moaning sounds, and that is when the girl ceased sucking on the shaft of my manhood. She said to me: “Now that I've given you a good bit of a teasing... you gonna punish me before giving me some pleasing?” She laid back a the other end of the couch, winked, and licked her lips lustily. I sprang forward and pulled her bloomers down, hiking up her skirts all the way to her waist. I did this very roughly, and the girl smiled. This one liked it rough!
I pushed my cock inside her after fingering the cleft of her girlhood for a little bit and teasing her clit with it, and began to move in and out of her hole. I did it gently and first, and then more vigorously as I soon found myself thrusting in and out of her as roughly as she seemed to like. She was giggling in that sweet way only young girls can, laughing, and moaning with enjoyment as I took her. She was wet and willing, and so excited was I that I had to slow things down so that I could not climax in her too quick. I wanted to make things last, and took my time before the warmth of my orgasm finally shot into her. As I had fucked her, I had been feeling her breasts and now I rained kisses upon them, and then kissed her as passionately as I had before. Claudia was grinding her hips for a bit even after I came inside her, and a while later after we had cooled down a bit from that shared moment of pleasure and passion... I found myself becoming hard for her again, and we went at it for a second time. This time, unlike the first, she came with me and we reached our climax to orgasm together. She moaned very loudly as she let herself at last surrender to ecstasy, and my cries of pleasure were no quieter. We lay together for several hours, after that, my hands continuing to caress her body as I held her close to me and nearly drifted off into sleep. If one CAN sleep in the midst of a dream! But I remained awake in the dream, and Claudia said unto me at last: “I enjoyed that, Kara. Very much! But then again, we've known each other before even if we don't remember it. And we'll know each other again, too. Time is funny like that sometimes.” We washed up after that in the nearby bathrooms, got fully dressed, and she escorted me over to that lounge that I had seen before but did not enter... the one where those mothers had been all busy chatting away in. As we walked into the lounge, Claudia walked over to stand behind some of the women, and one of the woman... and older woman well into late middle age... said to me calmly and almost kindly: “Well! Kara, is it? You're probably worrying that maybe we heard you and Claudia messing around together in the other room and are going to get you in trouble for it. But don't worry! We all know what Claudia is into, and how she actually prefers older men. If she's taken a liking to you, and you to her, that's all just between you two. No one here will judge either of you for it! So get that worried look off your face, and try to have a good time while you're here.” The woman was right... I had been deeply worried when it sounded like my name had come up in the women's chattering and gossiping which still was going on as Claudia led me into the lounge. I could only assume these women only knew my name because at the height of her orgasm Claudia had practically screamed it out, which turned me on even more when that happened. So, I did not question when they guessed my name correctly. Claudia smiled at me again, as she walked back towards me and led me by the hand for a long walk all about the lodge. I did indeed... for some reason I still do not fully fathom... feel like I had always known Claudia, and she me. We did not act like strangers who had just met and engaged in sex together... we acted like a couple that had in truth been together for years. Decades, even! Yet, I had never seen her before, even though I felt quite remarkably comfortable around her. Given that I normally suffer from a great deal of social anxiety and can at times be a bit awkward in social situations... this was quite astounding. But around children, it is always easier for me to not feel awkward, unlike when I am around adults, due to my own childlike sort of way that I have about me. So this should perhaps not have come as all that surprising to me, though it was a pleasant sort of surprise. Claudia and I walked outside and stood on the patio together looking out at the landscape all around us. It was late afternoon by now, almost nighttime, and already I could see a couple of stars starting to come out. The moon was out already, and the golden light of the later hours of the afternoon was quickly giving way to the purples and dark blues of early evening. Claudia said to me: “I've always loved this time of day, you know. Something magical about it! Know what I'm saying?” I nodded, and said to her in agreement: “Me too! It is just so beautiful. Not as beautiful to me as you are, though.” She giggled a bit, and wrapped her arms around my left arm, leaning her head on my upper arm as she said delightedly: “Oh Kara! You are just ridiculously romantic sometimes. I'm not saying I don't like that, either! Point of fact is... I love it.” I said unto her, daring to say it: “I love you.”
She looked sad just then, and said to me: “Do you remember anything about being with anyone else?” and I was so deeply wrapped in the reality of the dream that I had forgotten almost everything about my waking life and its' reality. Yet, there was something vague, and it was making me feel sad. I said to the girl: “No... and yes. It is something I know I should be remembering, but I cannot. It is as if this was the only reality, and there is nothing beyond this lodge, this place, this moment.” Claudia then stated in that sort of sad way that people have when their heart is troubled by something: “Maybe, I only exist in this reality... maybe I exist in every reality, in one form or another. Who knows? In this one, you just told me that you love me. And I'm gonna tell you that I love you too. In other realities, maybe we got around to this already... or will. I feel... confused in moments like this. Giddy, too! But confused. Like I'm trying to wrap my brain around a puzzle too hard for me to figure out. You ever feel like that, Kara?” I had to admit, as I told her in answer: “I do, and quite often. Usually, when it comes to math.” She giggled, as she told me: “Oh, wow! Me, I'm a genius when it comes to math.” and, I remembered a moment when Chloe had told me the identical thing, in the identical way. In that split second, I realized... that Claudia was this dream's version of Chloe herself. Perhaps this was not even really fully a dream! Maybe, I was actually visiting an alternate reality, a parallel Earth in which I was living the life of a parallel version of myself. But... with vague knowledge, vague memories of my waking life in this “prime” reality that we live in. It was both enlightening and disturbing to realize that. Enlightening because I understood better what was going on here... and disturbing because I worried about becoming stuck in this reality and did fear what might happen if I was unable to return to the reality of my waking life once again. If I died in my waking life, would I die in this and every other reality also? I realized that worry was a childish sort of worry, and tired to put it far from my mind. I was coming out of the dream, more and more... as I felt its' reality begin to give way whilst the memories of my waking reality were starting to return in full. In that moment, I knew better than to worry. But it felt strange, because the moment I realized that Claudia was Chloe... I both wanted to remain with her, and yet also return to my own Chloe. And it was both, at the exact same time. Both feelings. That is how I knew for a fact this was a parallel Earth and that I was in the body of a parallel me. I felt both my own feelings... and, those of that other me. When it was time to awaken, to return to my own reality once again, all would go back to feeling right once more. But in the meantime, it felt strange for a good while. Claudia noticed nothing of any of that, and merely had a look to her that said she was lost in her own thoughts, whatever those might have been. She looked up at me, and said cheerfully: “You got lost in your thoughts there for a little while, when I got to telling you what a genius I am with math. You feeling okay, Kara?” I said to Claudia, realizing she was Chloe: “I'm fine, sweetie pie! Hey... I'm glad we found each other. I love you so much.” She gave me a warm, big hug as she said to me: “I love you too, babe! That's why I'm quitting my side job as a prostitute and going full time with my music career instead. I don't want to be with any more men other than you.” It was strange... she was talking as if we had been together for years, when we had only just met. I asked her at that point: “I'm glad! Very glad, actually, and relieved. But... Claudia, how long have we actually been together?” She said to me then: “Seven months! We met in December, right here at this lodge. It was my therapist, Sibyl, who paid for you to come out to this place so we could meet up in person, and we've been together ever since. The whole reason you and I decided to pretend and act like we only just met when you got here today is because we planned on reenacting our first meeting to see if it would be just as intense for us the second time around. And I have to say... it really was, my babe! Very intense. But hey... you sure you're okay? You seem almost distracted by something! I know when you get like that too, you can't fool me. What's really wrong?” I answered, saying to my beloved: “I just had one of those weird moments where all of this felt familiar is all... like, weirdly familiar. I only asked how long we've been together to see if you remembered. Nothing's wrong, my pretty magical princess! Nothing whatsoever.” She smiled after that, appeased, and said to me sweetly: “I'm glad! You make me happy.”
I held her, and we kissed passionately again under the early evening moonlight, and I could hear the sound of the crickets and other night insects and night birds. The air smelled fresh and sweet, and this was twice as magical as the day when Claudia and I first met. I asked her something I was very curious about, something that actually had been eating at me for a long time: “Claudia... everyone I talked to at the theater, they all said you've been performing here for at least the past five years. But they all told me the same thing, they said you have not aged at all in that time. That you were fourteen when you signed up to sing here, and you still look fourteen now. My brain tells me that is impossible! But my eyes tell me it has to be true. I only want to know one thing... what are you?” She chuckled, then said to me in a lighthearted tone of voice: “What am I? Come on, babe, what do you think I am! I mean... what are you suspecting, that I'm a vampire or something?” I then said to her: “No, nothing like that! I mean... Sibyl, your therapist, she actually told me all about how you have a physical and medical condition that makes you look like you're thirteen or fourteen when you're actually an adult. So, because of that you live as a girl of that age and really truly do consider yourself to be that age. If that is true, and reasonably it has to be, then you need to go public with it so that the people at the theater do not start thinking you are a vampire. I'm just joking about the whole vampire thing, but Claudia you have to admit people have the right to be wondering why you do not appear to be getting any older. And you cannot expect people to keep believing you are fourteen years old when people remember seeing you perform here give years ago when you were the same age. Shouldn't you have actually been about nine years old back then, if you are really fourteen?” Claudia's eyes went wide, and she went to say something to me bit fell silent instead. I then elaborated more on my thoughts, revealing: “Also... I asked your sister about you having that condition Sibyl insisted you have. She asked me... what condition it was your therapist was talking about at all... and acted like she had no idea what I was even talking about. Then, she told me that when the time was right you would tell me the reason why you don't age. But that she was not going to say a word about it until you told me first. Lastly... Sibyl is not just a therapist, is she? Your sister said to me, that Sibyl sometimes helps her with her robotics and artificial intelligence projects at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Plus, Sibyl is some kind of Pagan priestess on the side. I have never heard of a therapist who wears that many hats, if you get my meaning! So Claudia, please tell me the truth. Since we both love each other, it is only right after all.” Claudia held me tightly, pressing herself against me... as if she wanted to block out the whole world and exist wholly in that embrace, thinking of nothing else at all. I stroked her hair, and smiled, saying to her: “It is okay, sweetie pie! You can tell me anything. I... I promise I won't judge you no matter what the truth turns out to be.” She said to me without breaking from her embracing of me, her voice nervous: “Kara... are you sure? I mean... the truth is something I'm worried you aren't going to believe. I mean, it would be more normal and easy to accept if I really was a vampire. But like I said, I'm not! Today was a perfect day, babe. Wasn't it? You sure you wouldn't rather we talk about this tomorrow... after we both got a full night's sleep, first?” She desperately was trying to put off talking about this, and I knew it. I could sense her fear, her apprehension. Whatever the truth had to be, I knew it was something she found difficult to talk about. She would have preferred to keep this a secret, whatever it was. But the time to keep such a secret was passed, and she knew it. She sighed very audibly, and then said: “No, I suppose waiting until tomorrow just won't do! Alright... but sometimes it has to be show as well as tell. Let's get to a back room, away from prying eyes, and once we get there I will show you, and tell you, the reason why I'm not getting any older. And why yeah, you're right, I need to stick with the story about that condition my therapist said I have and go public with that. But... as for the truth? That's something that has to stay just between us. Well, aside from my sister and my therapist, who both already know anyway. Yeah... it's time! I'm okay with this.” She then took me by the hand and led me to a small study room upstairs, which was cozy and quiet and a place certain not to be disturbed. As soon as we settled down... she told me, and showed me, something that took me totally by surprise.”
I sat down in a comfortable chair next to one of the book cases that lined the study's walls, and once I had done so the young girl knelt on the floor in front of me and put her hands on the back of her head. She pressed inward, and I heard a snapping sound following by a loud double click. Claudia lifted the top and back of her head away, hair and all, to reveal that beneath it was a metal skull that had a series of flashing lights... indicator lights... across a small section of it, just at the base of the skull itself. She told me to press the buttons under the lights in a specific pattern, which I did. Then, the back part of the skull came away, revealing an electronic artificial brain. She had me then place everything back again, and once more she simply looked like an ordinary fourteen year old girl. “So, now you know, Kara! My big secret. Heck, my face isn't even all that original... my creators based it on a child actress they were fond of the movies of. An actress who grew up years ago. You know that six year old redhead that I had introduced you to that one time? The one who dresses like she's a Gothic Lolita and is big time into all those horror movies and dark stuff... Adeline, I think her name is... she's also an android, just like me. Same thing with that twenty one year old woman who was hanging out with her, Tessa. The three of us are all androids, no matter how human we might look. We were all made by the same developer, just I happen to be the most advanced model so far. The other two still have a ways to go yet before they'll be perfect, which is why their communication skills when you talked to them were so limited. Although, Tessa is a lot smarter and more advanced than Adeline. But Adeline makes up for it by sometimes being more fun to be with, and occasionally more unpredictable too. You... don't appear shocked.” I chuckled a bit, and stroked her hair as I said to her: “Would you believe me if I said I have seen stranger things? A lot stranger! This... this... is actually pretty normal to me, Claudia. And I am fine with it, also! More than fine, actually I am relieved. At least this way I can rule out the possibility of you being a vampire.” She giggled, and admitted: “Come on! You totally had to have been thinking I was one... I mean, duh, my name is Claudia, after all. I'm a little girl. I don't age... and I'll never die... at least so long as I keep myself in tip top condition, with proper maintenance and occasional updates.” I sat down on the floor next to her, took her face gently in my hand, and kissed her lips tenderly, saying: “And plenty of loving care.” Then, we kissed passionately... and decided to make love once again. It was precisely in that very moment, that I had a sudden vision of her performing on the stage, singing her heart out, and me being very old at the time but still very much in love with her. And she, very much in love with me. For in her mind's eye, I would still be the same then as I am now. Even though I would not live forever in body, I would live forever in her heart. And her eyes would never see me as being a day older than I am at the moment. Immortality comes in many forms, I suppose! It was going to happen someday, that scenario, and I did not mind. I wanted to grow old with her, I wanted to be with her forever. And I would get my wish! She was my whole world, and the very embodiment of all my heart's desiring. It was a blessing to know she would be around for me forever. That she could never get sick, never die. Never leave me all alone. I hated being alone, I was terrified of it. That was when I woke up from the dream, and thought about my beloved Chloe. And about the two friends of hers who she had introduced me to during the course of the past year since we met. Their names, were very similar to the two from the dream... not exact, but strikingly similar. And their ages were the same also. One was a twenty one year old woman, and the other was a six year old little girl with curly red hair who liked to wear Gothic Lolita styles of clothing. And who was obsessed with horror movies, the paranormal, and magic. I thought about how insistent Chloe was that I meet them, and how eager they were to meet me. Things are not precisely the same in this reality... Chloe is not African American in this reality after all, and certainly not a singer... and we did not meet at a vacation lodge. But other than that, there is a certain symmetry to the strange multiverse that we actually do live in. And sometimes through dreams, we can reach parallel worlds in which some things are different, whilst other things are exactly the same. As to whether or not androids walk among people in this reality... it is something that I think I just prefer to neither confirm nor deny.
Published 23rd Aug 2023
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