You dont know me

you dont see me
you never did
and knowing how absolutely self consumed and vain you are
'you probably never will
you wont notice how my eyes light up and sparkle
when i experience joy or happiness
you will never know how rare those 2 things are to me
because you believe in this mask i present to the world
its easier to believe that im happy than to understand why im not
you are blind to my insecurities
the reasons i become jealous or doubtful when you leave for hours without answering your phone
you brush it off as me being a bitch , a cunt , a physco
one of the many beautiful names you call me
no i don't want you touching me because i know where those hands have been
and how could i compare to the women with the power to make you risk losing the life we've built
as fake and pretend as this life is ive given all of me for it
nd you still risk it'
how very little i must mean
how ugly and inferior i must be to them
you never see me
you can never know me
im too deep for your scared feet to tread
you live on the surface where things are light and easy
and i am everything but
you walk away saying you are giving me space
but we both know that's not true
you do not know how to be real
or what it means to sacrifice every part of yourself for someone you love
how it feels to talk yourself into tryin to trust someone with yiur heart
when every fiber in your being is screaming NO this is not right
all because you got tired of being alone
tired of waiting for a good man '
so you settle and this is what i deserve for settling
you don't know me
you don't know because you dont ask
your only here for convenience
because i take care of you
because you live bill-less
because i spoil you and kiss on you and make you feel important
all the while my self confidence is flaking away
my self worth is vanishing slowly
every time i say ok to your bullshit stories
that i will never believe
i know you're a dog
the drugs have me so fucken numb and scared to be alone
i let this continue
i bought myself flowers on my birthday
the most alone ive felt all year
i let you skate by i let you believe you have me fooled
i allow you to live under my roof never knowing me
and i am to blame