APOLOGIES

i was never anything -- couldn't find my feet for shit  
and never understood why you loved me,  
why you gave me that much power in your life  
and then resented me for it when you could have just said no --  
could have just hung me out to dry and goddamn, Gail, i was used to it  
and it would have just been one more rejection,  
one more sad story in my book of sad stories  
but you hung on and, i swear to god, and it got us nowhere  
 
and now, when we're way past all that and you are little more than a memory  
and i am so goddamned old and fucking sick and just about useless  
you want me to apologize for just being who the fuck i was  
and i won't  
because i'm not that person anymore and, well, neither are you  
 
i can't apologize for him  
and you can't accept for her  
 
the thing is i didn't love you  
i just wanted to  
and thought if i could just love you i'd have somebody  
and things would be finally alright  
and i kept trying but...i just couldn't  
 
i wish i could have  
 
and it was selfish and wrong but, jesus, i wasn't alone  
 
you were there, too