deepundergroundpoetry.com
Trauma Symbols Everyone
Fishing line dragged from the dirt
Pink, red and blue knotted around
Fish bones, lures and worms
The more you pull the more it comes
Bigger and bigger it will reveal it all
And it will never, never stop just watch
Rotting bones of brown, white and grey
Lures glittering in the clear sunlight
Painted sightless eyes and eyes that follow
Glowing gummy worms all shapes, all colors
Flashing tear shaped metal, bronze, silver, gold
Up and up it comes from the depths of muck
Pink, red and blue knotted around
Fish bones, lures and worms
The more you pull the more it comes
Bigger and bigger it will reveal it all
And it will never, never stop just watch
Rotting bones of brown, white and grey
Lures glittering in the clear sunlight
Painted sightless eyes and eyes that follow
Glowing gummy worms all shapes, all colors
Flashing tear shaped metal, bronze, silver, gold
Up and up it comes from the depths of muck
Published 5th Jun 2023
Author's Note
Used this metaphor for therapy. Some therapists pull things they shouldn't and leave us to stare at the horror alone.
I know the grammar is weird. Help?
I know the grammar is weird. Help?
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Fuck. I quit my last therapist a month ago when she said I have lived in a constant state of fear and chaos for so long that I can't accept peace. That I'll make chaos if there isn't any. Bitch.
So let's grammar this shit up!
GRAMMAR! YES! Let’s do line-by-line suggestions. Then I’ll put it together. You can throw it all away. Suggestions are like dog turds, you step the fuck over them and walk on your own grass. Don’t worry if you do or don’t like them, or do or don’t use them.
1
Fishing line dragged from the dirt
Let’s start by imagining the line after it’s been dragged in the dirt and describe what it looks like. Because you use death imagery in the fishbones, let’s see if we like brining that association up earlier:
The line is caked in gravedirt
2 Pink, red and blue knotted around
The colors are weird, and I don’t know what they represent if not … veins? Arteries? If that’s the image, let’s get VISCERAL! Arteries and tangled keep the pink, red and knotted, and we’ll give a head not to the blue part of a vein
Tangled arteries spew cyanide blood
3. Fish bones, lures and worms
Add a connector to this and it works
As fish bones, lures and worms
4-6 The more you pull the more it comes
Bigger and bigger it will reveal it all
And it will never, never stop just watch
Connect the actual action. A line was cast. Complete the extended metaphor. Fish don’t come, they fight. And struggle, and burst through the surface thrashing because they want to keep their life below.
Dangle in the delicate depths
And hook something sharp.
The more you pull, the more revealed
Even as it tries to pull back
The end: Connect it all and finish the metaphor.
Actually… most of below is fine, but we’re going to make some subtle changes for fluence.
Use words like muck to punch people ein the face.
Don’t end so many sentences in a verb.
I think your subject-verb order in your sentence structure is really the thing that messes with you.
Also tense.
Look at this chunk. Your action has to happen at the same point in time. Now, before, later. So it all needs to match.
Runs, Jumps, Swims.
Playing, Fucking, Fighting.
ETC. Your verb tenses are all over the place:
Rotting, Glittering, Follow, Glowing, Tear, Comes
Make it all past tense and try to end as many things with a “nothing” “s” or “ed” and you’ll fix 70 percent of all verbal fuckery.
Let’s VERB
Brown, white and grey bones rot
with glittering lures (I changed glittering from a verb to an adjective) in the clear sunlight
whose painted sightless eyes follow
Glowing gummy worms all shapes, all colors – get rid of this, because the color scheme and “gummy” don’t gel with your them
Flashing tear-shaped metal weighs it down,
Until it comes slowly from the depths of its own muck
Up and up it comes from the depths of muck
The workshop version:
The line is caked in gravedirt,
tangled arteries spew cyanide blood
as fish bones, lures, and worms
dangle in the delicate depths
and hook something sharp.
The more you pull,
the more is revealed.
even as it tries to resist the
tension of the line
the first clink of the reel
brings it gasping to the surface.
Brown, white and grey bones rot
with glittering lures in the clear sunlight
whose painted sightless eyes follow
flashing tear-shaped metal weights
and it’s hooked
until it rises slowly
from the depths of
its own muck
So let's grammar this shit up!
GRAMMAR! YES! Let’s do line-by-line suggestions. Then I’ll put it together. You can throw it all away. Suggestions are like dog turds, you step the fuck over them and walk on your own grass. Don’t worry if you do or don’t like them, or do or don’t use them.
1
Fishing line dragged from the dirt
Let’s start by imagining the line after it’s been dragged in the dirt and describe what it looks like. Because you use death imagery in the fishbones, let’s see if we like brining that association up earlier:
The line is caked in gravedirt
2 Pink, red and blue knotted around
The colors are weird, and I don’t know what they represent if not … veins? Arteries? If that’s the image, let’s get VISCERAL! Arteries and tangled keep the pink, red and knotted, and we’ll give a head not to the blue part of a vein
Tangled arteries spew cyanide blood
3. Fish bones, lures and worms
Add a connector to this and it works
As fish bones, lures and worms
4-6 The more you pull the more it comes
Bigger and bigger it will reveal it all
And it will never, never stop just watch
Connect the actual action. A line was cast. Complete the extended metaphor. Fish don’t come, they fight. And struggle, and burst through the surface thrashing because they want to keep their life below.
Dangle in the delicate depths
And hook something sharp.
The more you pull, the more revealed
Even as it tries to pull back
The end: Connect it all and finish the metaphor.
Actually… most of below is fine, but we’re going to make some subtle changes for fluence.
Use words like muck to punch people ein the face.
Don’t end so many sentences in a verb.
I think your subject-verb order in your sentence structure is really the thing that messes with you.
Also tense.
Look at this chunk. Your action has to happen at the same point in time. Now, before, later. So it all needs to match.
Runs, Jumps, Swims.
Playing, Fucking, Fighting.
ETC. Your verb tenses are all over the place:
Rotting, Glittering, Follow, Glowing, Tear, Comes
Make it all past tense and try to end as many things with a “nothing” “s” or “ed” and you’ll fix 70 percent of all verbal fuckery.
Let’s VERB
Brown, white and grey bones rot
with glittering lures (I changed glittering from a verb to an adjective) in the clear sunlight
whose painted sightless eyes follow
Glowing gummy worms all shapes, all colors – get rid of this, because the color scheme and “gummy” don’t gel with your them
Flashing tear-shaped metal weighs it down,
Until it comes slowly from the depths of its own muck
Up and up it comes from the depths of muck
The workshop version:
The line is caked in gravedirt,
tangled arteries spew cyanide blood
as fish bones, lures, and worms
dangle in the delicate depths
and hook something sharp.
The more you pull,
the more is revealed.
even as it tries to resist the
tension of the line
the first clink of the reel
brings it gasping to the surface.
Brown, white and grey bones rot
with glittering lures in the clear sunlight
whose painted sightless eyes follow
flashing tear-shaped metal weights
and it’s hooked
until it rises slowly
from the depths of
its own muck
5th Jun 2023 4:54am
😭 Betty, I love you. You have given me so much feedback that actually means something! I'll look this over a bit more tomorrow. I'll sit down and work it all out. Thank you. It's such a messy write and I needed help to figure it out.
9th Jun 2023 9:11pm
I like the way it's sort of frenetically jumbled together, I think it supports the energy of the piece. The metaphor is rather dank and lurid, quite effective I think.
25th Jun 2023 10:17pm
It's always interesting how the images in our brain describe the emotion in a non-conventional manner but still have a deep representation of our state of mind. No need to worry about the grammar, your voice is heard.
Excellent spill.
Excellent spill.
