Bernard

Bernard's girlfriend no longer looks hot to him. Sure, she's still slim and leggy with that pretty face, but - he hates having to think this - she's just so damn mean.

Simone thinks Bernard is too nice. "You always try to help losers. You're a loser magnet! You don't have to be an effing saint all the time! I should call you St. Bernard!" This delivered not with affection, but an angry sneer; a frightening contortion of her face reminescent of the frustrated nuns of his Catholic school childhood. The 'Saint Bernard' remark marks the first time Bernard realizes he is going to leave Simone. A month later he does. Two months later he adopts a drooly 40 pound St. Bernard puppy and names her Chloe.

Bernard's (Bernie to his friends) unassuming manner and outdated glasses pass him off as ordinary, but he's not. Just look at him. Big green eyes filled with kindness. A wide, sensual mouth.Thick auburn hair. A body toned for health, not narcissism. His ivy league degree stays on his curriculum vitae, not dropped in casual conversation. Same with his volunteer work at the food bank, which he'd never think to glorify in the hashtags of his generation.

Cats and dogs adore Bernie. So do babies and the elderly. Women do too, once they give him a second look. A social worker named Chloe gives him a second look and they laugh over lattes at Starbucks. They jog in the park with Chloe the dog, and Chloe's goldendoodle Gypsy. Two years  later Bernard and Chloe (the woman) marry.

When Gypsy the goldendoodle dies, there is no doubt they'll get another dog. Maybe another St. Bernard suggests Chloe.. "We live in the mountains of Colorado after all. And they are so sweet..." Soon a male St. Bernard puppy enters their lives.

"What should we name him" muses Bernie, "Sam? Bear? Tiny?"

Chloe thinks for a moment. "I know" she says. "Bernie!"

Bernie laughs. "Well, yeah, we already have a dog with your name. So you're thinking there should be a dog with mine?"

"Well, yes" says Chloe. And besides, you're so nice you're kind of like a saint. St. Bernard!" she laughs.

"Someone else once called me that" muses Bernie. "But it sounds good when you say it."