The Little Engine That Said Fuck This Shit

"I think I can, I think I can"

The Little Engine That Could

my dad bought me the book
when I was four or five
he read it to me
an unusual event
most evenings he retreated to his wood paneled den
surrounded by books, sailing trophies,
intense thoughts

in the story
a train is climbing a steep hill
it makes it of course
because
you know
It works hard
and it thinks it can

Dad wants me to understand this
I remember thinking that exact thought
and in some way promising myself
I'd use the positive thinking motif

I have

sometimes

starting a business with no capital
moving to new cities
relationships with men I had crushes on
deciding to win an award and getting it

but sometimes
my engine has said
I know I can't, I know I can't
I mean
let's get real

sometimes
my engine has said
I hate trying, I hate trying
but I've made it up the hill
we do what we have to do

at this point in the school year
my engine is saying
fuck this shit, fuck this shit

yes there are good days
yes, I still care

but

I also care about myself
at least

I think I do, I think I do