deepundergroundpoetry.com
One Compared to Many
You motivate yourselves to gain some prize,
I squander time in inactivity,
you seek attention in another’s eyes,
whilst I wish hide from prying scrutiny.
You socialise and form relationships,
I isolate, stagnate as time proceeds,
you sink the draft in one or many sips,
I scupper self, entwined in my own weeds.
You replicate your mould, as it made you,
and I abstain (still voice may not be dumb),
there’s stasis in your aspiration’s view,
just as there is, in how I feel so numb.
So as you clamour, multiply, and thrive,
I pride myself in that I just survive.
I squander time in inactivity,
you seek attention in another’s eyes,
whilst I wish hide from prying scrutiny.
You socialise and form relationships,
I isolate, stagnate as time proceeds,
you sink the draft in one or many sips,
I scupper self, entwined in my own weeds.
You replicate your mould, as it made you,
and I abstain (still voice may not be dumb),
there’s stasis in your aspiration’s view,
just as there is, in how I feel so numb.
So as you clamour, multiply, and thrive,
I pride myself in that I just survive.
Published 2nd Mar 2023
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Mar 2023 9:51pm
this spoke to me
I barely survive too
although you may see me as social I'm not 💕
I barely survive too
although you may see me as social I'm not 💕
2nd Mar 2023 10:37pm
Thank you for your empathetic comment.
It heartens me that my poem struck a chord.
Writing poetry is a mode of being social so don't discount your abilities.
It heartens me that my poem struck a chord.
Writing poetry is a mode of being social so don't discount your abilities.
3rd Mar 2023 6:04pm
'inactivity' (for me) trashed the metre. I don't know if this is helpful ... I get my rules of scansion from a chap called Derek Attridge https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2299434.The_Rhythms_of_English_Poetry he's wrote three books of this nature.
More to the point, if you take this comment the wrong way, please say so and I'll happily remove.
More to the point, if you take this comment the wrong way, please say so and I'll happily remove.
3rd Mar 2023 7:18pm
Thanks for pointing out something that I overlooked.
I think part of the issue is that the supposed stress on the first syllable of the word 'inactivity' is preceded by the word 'in', an identical syllable, which is meant to have a lack of stress. It is also difficult not to place stress on the next syllable, '~act'. The last iambic of the word seems OK, so overall, I'm still satisfied with the result. Shame the oversight happened in the opening two lines.
"The author encourages honest critique" - please don't remove.
I think part of the issue is that the supposed stress on the first syllable of the word 'inactivity' is preceded by the word 'in', an identical syllable, which is meant to have a lack of stress. It is also difficult not to place stress on the next syllable, '~act'. The last iambic of the word seems OK, so overall, I'm still satisfied with the result. Shame the oversight happened in the opening two lines.
"The author encourages honest critique" - please don't remove.
4th Mar 2023 7:21pm
Brilliant ... thanks for having a discussion ...
I like the next line though ... there are three non-stressed syllables in a row and the middle one is realised as a beat keeping your metre intact.
As to your point about encouraging honest critique. Good for you, hopefully others will also lend a hand. Some of my earlier poems are full of faults of form but I've left them there as a comparator. How I was then etc ...
I like the next line though ... there are three non-stressed syllables in a row and the middle one is realised as a beat keeping your metre intact.
As to your point about encouraging honest critique. Good for you, hopefully others will also lend a hand. Some of my earlier poems are full of faults of form but I've left them there as a comparator. How I was then etc ...
4th Mar 2023 9:53pm
Thanks for your complimentary analysis of some of my metre following our point of difference. When I compare my work to the favourites I list in my profile I see myself a scribbler. Those I admire who wrote sonnets often toyed with metre, but clearly studied and learnt its rules before learning how to bend them with elegance.
