the sound of engines

it kills with each smile
to realise it will
ruin a lot to
heal everything.

i can taste depression on the
tip of my ears where he last
left whispers of
reassurance that try to work
but i gulp them down like
the drop of my heart
i can feel the sallow stabs return.

he is amazing too amazing
for me and my endless
migraines and seconds when i can't
accept that he's there because
i am too busy with things that
aren't
but haunt me.

i don't want to feel this way
but what if it takes me
needing to destroy myself and
break through shards of glass
like the super woman i once thought
i was
to see the happiness
i am starting to feel
but too weak to catch

because my ribs hurt and i curl up
trying to cry
and trying to
hold back tears.