familiarity

These are all my familiar moments
peeling at my skin beside and
under my nails
biting it off
the spacing out every
other minute until it feels like my
eyesight has a world of its own
listening to music but
not really responding
an intake without
exhalation
leaning against the wall
i have to have walls
walls to hide in
and walls to break

the familiar moments like when
i choke back cutting thoughts
because i think about him
again
just when i trust that i am
fine
again

familiar moments when i
prefer my own company
to others
so i don't have to pretend it is easy
to laugh