deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dust
As the night rolls on and we are covered in heat
I lament when our parts no longer can meet
Driven by lust we bask in our musk
Hunting for that sweet sensation
Those who hear may fear for our damnation
When our hips collide thrust after thrust
I feel as if I am going to bust
I pull on your hair as you grip on my sack
And my hand meets your ass with a brisk little smack
Your touch says it's time and we quicken with haste
As you beg me to please finish all over your face
With climax achieved I look upon thee
A face full of glee is what awaits me
A few shallow breaths and a moment to ponder
Fills you with angst as you can stay from me no longer
The tip of your tongue
a touch of your hand
Has me ready to go again
We toss and we turn as we continue our lust
If this goes on much longer I'll be shooting out dust
I lament when our parts no longer can meet
Driven by lust we bask in our musk
Hunting for that sweet sensation
Those who hear may fear for our damnation
When our hips collide thrust after thrust
I feel as if I am going to bust
I pull on your hair as you grip on my sack
And my hand meets your ass with a brisk little smack
Your touch says it's time and we quicken with haste
As you beg me to please finish all over your face
With climax achieved I look upon thee
A face full of glee is what awaits me
A few shallow breaths and a moment to ponder
Fills you with angst as you can stay from me no longer
The tip of your tongue
a touch of your hand
Has me ready to go again
We toss and we turn as we continue our lust
If this goes on much longer I'll be shooting out dust
Published 24th Feb 2023
Author's Note
Sometimes your nights go in for so long that this feels like an actual possibility. Hopefully my 2nd iteration appeals to you in one way or another.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
28th Feb 2023 1:16pm
Totally appeals... I love the rhyming...
I love the vivid sexual imagery throughout.
I wondered about the dust connection at first.
But reading the end I totally understand.
I can certainly think of a continuation for this one. ;)
Love it!
I love the vivid sexual imagery throughout.
I wondered about the dust connection at first.
But reading the end I totally understand.
I can certainly think of a continuation for this one. ;)
Love it!
28th Feb 2023 1:24pm
Thank you, I'm happy that you enjoyed it. Please, do share your thoughts on a continuation.
Ok.
First: centering text is from the devil.
Second, your rhyme scheme is trash, I mean that in the nicest way.
You really want your meter to hit on the same breath. Think a limerick. Ba. BUM. ba. BUM… and it should have the same syllables, with similar inflection or it stutters.
And consistence is king in form poetry. If you have a set stanza pattern and rhyme scheme, it needs to go in every stanza
Rhyme scheme is alpha, number of syllables is numeric
First stanza —
12-A
11- A
9 - double Bs with inflection on 4 and 9
Second stanza —
8 - C
10 - c
9 D
10 - d
Third — mixing colloquialism and formal is only executed by masters. Don’t say bust and thee in the same poem. Rewrite the stanza or delete it.
Step 1 - don’t center your shit
Step 2 - make every fucking line the same syllable count
Step 3 - make every stanza the same line count
Step 4 — plain language. Remove any formal shit. It sounds weird
If you want more views then
Step 5 - picture of a hot chick getting banged
Message me for a second look.
-B
First: centering text is from the devil.
Second, your rhyme scheme is trash, I mean that in the nicest way.
You really want your meter to hit on the same breath. Think a limerick. Ba. BUM. ba. BUM… and it should have the same syllables, with similar inflection or it stutters.
And consistence is king in form poetry. If you have a set stanza pattern and rhyme scheme, it needs to go in every stanza
Rhyme scheme is alpha, number of syllables is numeric
First stanza —
12-A
11- A
9 - double Bs with inflection on 4 and 9
Second stanza —
8 - C
10 - c
9 D
10 - d
Third — mixing colloquialism and formal is only executed by masters. Don’t say bust and thee in the same poem. Rewrite the stanza or delete it.
Step 1 - don’t center your shit
Step 2 - make every fucking line the same syllable count
Step 3 - make every stanza the same line count
Step 4 — plain language. Remove any formal shit. It sounds weird
If you want more views then
Step 5 - picture of a hot chick getting banged
Message me for a second look.
-B
28th Feb 2023 11:54pm
In 10 years of studying at several universities, this is the most and the best help that I have ever received regarding something that I wasn't good at. Your honesty is very much appreciated and welcomed!
