Bar Mitzvah Rituals of the Maltese Brotherhood

Bar Mitzvah Rituals of the Maltese Brotherhood
 
   “Hey there Sherri, the fly of my son’s undies has a stain that just won’t come out. Can you work your magic and remove it?”
    “Come again, isn’t he eighteen? Shouldn’t he be past that stage?”
     “Don’t I wish, eighteen is the peak of their hormones.”
     “Is this the same kind you had me scrub until my fingers were red last time?”
     “It is only the aloe cucumber lotion. He took his underwear off before achieving ‘O’.”
     “How do you know it is just lotion? Surely he didn’t tell you.”
     “Believe me the scent is completely different than male essence. But his girlfriend slips his secrets that otherwise would be left between his sheets.”
     “Doesn’t she mind his private indiscretions?”
     “She is all in favor of his nocturnal activities. They both want a stork-free romance until they finish college. This is their last best birth control method.”
     “So she laid the news on you over coffee?”
     “She waited for a girl talk moment when he was at football practice.”
     “The sharing must have been kept between you two.”
     “She tells me everything. I know, weird. He reads his own palm.”
     “Can he measure his own lifeline that way?”
     “They are the same length. I promise this is from moisturizer. Nothing unsavory here.”
    “Well, it is hard to distinguish between lotion and the other kind. So I will give it a shot.”
     “He is at that age of compulsive urges. But if he ever does that again you are the laundress for the job.”
     “Yea, like I am the only one who will put up with such an icky task. I pride myself on no job too weird.”
     “Is this pushing your boundaries?”
     “To me, it is all about cleaning. I left my
comfort zone back in Mississippi.”
     “I’ll recommend you to my girlfriends with irrepressible sons.”
     “Whoa, now, that could give me a reputation for this as my specialty. That could get very strange, very fast.”
     The son walks in. “Mom, the parking meter is just about out of minutes. I thought you were just going to drop off some clothes.”
     “Well, you know us girls, when we get to talking we just can’t stop.”
     The laundress says, “As a matter of fact we were talking about you. I will be cleaning your wardrobe.”
     “What Mom can’t do she leaves to the professional.”
     Sherri replies, “Those stains are tough but I am the best woman for this job.”
     The son says, “Well, yes sweat stains are intractable. But I bet you can conquer them.”
     She laundress replies, “Your Mom tells me you had a close call while in the heat of passion.”
     His Mom says, “His self-love makes for a strong potion.”
     “I imagine when he gets the notion ain’t no turning back.”
     “He’s got the perfect timbre for a vocal soloist in his own personal opera.”
     “That would be the marriage of finger roll.”
     His Mom says, “Here, let me take a whiff of those drawers. I’d say the scent is unmistakable.”
    The laundress takes his briefs. “My olfactory senses are akin to a drug canine. But it doesn’t take a customs dog to recognize that smell that I full well know from my husband of twenty years.” Sherri sniffs his knickers like taking a toke off a reefer. “I can confirm your Mom’s results.”
      The son says, “Mom, we’ll get a parking ticket if we don’t get back to the car now.”
     His Mom replies, “Sherri, we have to get going. I think our conversation is a bit personal for my son.”
     “Mom, come on, please.”
     The laundress says, “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ll get those perspiration stains out.”
     His Mom says, “I bet that was your best scrimmaging ever.”