reminders of her

she reminds me of the moon
and she reminds me of the sun
 
i see her in poetry  
as well as in piano music  
 
and wherever i am
my eyes search for hers
 
then i think about where these thoughts come from
why i feel that way
what parts of her lure me in
 
there’s nothing but reflections  
nothing and everything
 
what really lures me in is how she sees the world
how she lights up and makes me smile
 
i see her in all the things that make my heart beat
in everything that displays depth, happiness and light
love, words and joy.  
in reflections, in echos of what i want to be.  
 
she was my beam of joy -  
seconds later not mine anymore
not mine, but was it ever?  
 
i’m so sorry for her, for having me in her past,
for making it worse. for being unstable, for being indecisive, for not knowing how i feel. for being what hurt you.  
 
3 am, my heart breaks again
thought it was healed, healed on the outside.  
don’t want to miss her, but it happens
happens until i can make it stop from bleeding
oh when is that?
oh, tell me, when can i be sane?
when can my mind stop it‘s race?
when the only place i felt safe
was in your arms?
 
in your warm, longing, oh so understanding arms?