Move Forward

I want to feel the pain in my heart, on my flesh,
I want to know that the scars can be real on this outer body of mine.
am I insane or just too fucking depressed.
coming close to the happy life,  
and yet i'm reminded of how i'm not worthy of one.
what have i done? mistakes only led by the past.
move forward, i say.  
but my mind tells me that there should just be an end.
so I recycle each accomplishment.
and now i feel like i am no where.
my mind tricks me into thinking i am deserving.
but it also tricks me into thinking i am nothing.
So where do i go?
I go to the people that tell me its okay, but they also know nothing.
like how i should've been aborted than abused.
Like how i should've just let the rope on my neck kill me than to bring me more excruciating pain.
or how i don't wear color because it always appealed to the wrong eyes at the wrong time.
its dark i know. i have to live with it, not you.
i'm sorry to those who get close,
you wanna try loving and fixing something god has been trying to do.
Yet i fall back on the same stairs i came up in.  
move forward.
move forward.
please, move forward.
Go past the bump, heal the inner wombs, and forgive those who are unforgiving.