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The Sword of Mordred: Part VIII
- The Sword of Mordred: Part VIII -
It had been some time since my father, Arthur, married the princess Gwendoline, who became known more famously after that by her royal name and title, which was High Queen Guinevere... or, far more simply to the people over whom she ruled, Queen Guinevere. She was not one to prefer elaborate titles, or overly fancy embellishments. She was, at heart... a simple woman, despite her royal blood and noble upbringing, which had prepared her well for becoming a good and decent queen. Of the events that had followed thereupon, it would take far too many volumes to tell of all that transpired in my own life, and in the lives of my fellow knights of the Round Table. For a time, the High King... Arthur... grew quite ill and it was not known what had befallen him. Many claimed that it was a sickness birthed more form his spirit than his body, but in any case it seemed during the time of his illness that the land too did sicken, or at the very least it seemed to. Folk believed that only the power of the Holy Grail could cure this, and so did many knights go forth in quest of it. None realized that the previous Holy Grail, who had been a blessed and sacred maiden, had perished long before due to events that I had once had a hand in due to a madness that had befallen the child sorceress Kundry, who was my wife. A madness that had afflicted me at the time no less wickedly. But I had managed to redeem myself since then, and no one knew what it was that now the knights went forth in quest of. Each returned, with tales of having discovered every sort of different thing! The simple Sir Peredur went forth alone, and returned with fabulous stories of a distant castle inhabited by a lame king who needed to be healed, and he told of his adventures that had surrounded this event. Llwch Lleminawg set forth alone as well, and returned in tears to say that of his journey all had been a failure and had been for nothing. He would not even tell me what had befallen... and he had loved me perhaps more than all others of my fellow knights due to the fact that I had within me the spirit of his former lover, Arthur's previous wife and queen, Gwenhyver. All that he could say of it over and over again was that he had failed and would not go forth upon this quest again. However, he had a son by a former lover of his, a lover of whom he never spoke to me but when the subject of it was brought up, it brought tears to his eyes every single time. In any case... that son's name was Galath, and he was by the time of all this questing the youngest of all of Arthur's greatest of knights. He was, to be honest about it, little more than but a boy... but, as a boy regardless he had distinguished himself greatly as a knight and so was now highly favored. This is now what leads us to the events that I shall chronicle within this part of my telling regarding my life back in those days as Mordred the child of Arthur. I had ceased to live as a man any longer... and by the start of the part of the quest for the Holy Grail in which Galath was about to set out... no one regarded me as a man anymore. I was now known, to all, as Dame Mordra, and I had won a great deal of fame as a lady warrior once again. I say once again, because I had over time found that more and more my mind possessed all of the former memories, feelings, emotions, and thoughts of Gwenhyver herself. So merged had they become... with my identity as Mordred... that I at times had to think carefully where one did begin and the other ended. Those who knew this about me remained silent about it, for had that truth been revealed that I was in fact the resurrected former High Queen herself... it could have led to a civil war all across Arthur's kingdom. For whilst there were very much some who liked the new High Queen well enough, there were many more still who preferred the way that Gwenhyver had done things. For as goodly and kind and noble as she was, Gwendoline was in all fact of the matter not a warrior and had little to no experience with such matters as warriors only did understand. Thus it is, that if they so much as suspected that Gwenhyver was not actually dead after all, the people who loved her with the most radical zeal might be compelled to attempt to reinstate her, as their ruler, even if it meant going against Arthur himself to place her upon the throne. This was now a secret that could never be allowed to be revealed! But returning to the quest for the Holy Grail, it was Galath who decided at last to accomplish the quest and seek out and find the blessed thing which up to this moment no other knight had found. But this raised, for me, countless strange and awful questions!
Some did know of my experience with the Holy Grail. Those who did, knew that she was dead. Thus, I wondered what this new thing was which everyone was going off in search of. It was surely now not the maiden whom I had met... with tragic results. This was something else which held the same title as she had once held. I began to wonder! Had her successor been chosen and now people sought her? This vexed me greatly, and so I did agree to accompany young Galath upon his quest to discover it and find the truth of its' rumored existence. I asked my father what it was that him believe the Holy Grail existed at all any longer, and he did say unto me: “I beheld in a vision, a most wondrous sight! Many angels did descend unto the Round Table I saw, and they carried with them a golden platter upon which was dried blood. The platter contained upon it a golden chalice, which was decorated with six beautiful emeralds of a sparkling manner that did draw my attention most raptly. Delicate white clouds then enshrouded all that I beheld, and there was a light within the clouds that did speak unto me. And it spoke thus, saying: 'Arthur, king, thou dost sicken and as the king and the land art one so also shalt thy kingdom sicken. So shalt thou send forth thy knights to quest for the Holy Grail. Seek, and ye shall find! For only when this be found, shalt thy malady be healed and the land cleansed of the sickness that ails thee and it.' So do I believe that this vision was granted me by God in all infinite mercy and goodness. The Holy Grail is out there somewhere still! Only in its' finding can God be moved to work the miracle of my healing and so also the healing of my kingdom.” I took him to be temporarily mad from the fever that was upon him at the time due to his sickness, but all the same the chalice he described was the same identical one that so was held in the hands of the sacred maiden herself. Somehow, in some manner, she still lived! Even as impossible as that notion was. And if she did not wish to be found, it was because she was angry or hurt over what had befallen her at my hands. I needed to find her, to atone for what I had done to her before, and to redeem myself at last fully in her eyes. And yet! I had witnessed her suicide myself. But then did I remember... I too, the part of me that was Gwenhyver, had risen from the dead to live again. That very thought alone was enough to convince me that this quest was not a foolish or vain one. The boy did so make ready upon the earliest month of the spring season, upon the first warm day thereof. I did so assist the boy in preparing for his quest, and I advised him as best as I could on all the things that he could so expect to encounter upon such an adventure as this. The boy was an androgynous looking youth, and at the time of these events he was sixteen years of age. Many suspected that he was actually a girl... and it was something he grew most viciously angry about whenever anyone brought the subject up. “I am not a girl!” he would proclaim, and yet his voice was quite feminine and rather lovely. I told him so a great many time since first I was introduced to him, but ever he would glare at me but say nothing further. It gave me the impression that he disliked me greatly, but if he did... he never said so directly. Nor did he take offense to my accompanying him upon the quest for the Holy Grail. If anything, that seemed to be a thing that did almost grant him comfort when he spoke of it, and the way he spoke of it. He, if one so needed to be directly honest, did not look anything like his father at all. I simply assumed that either he took after his mother or was in fact Llwch Lleminawg's adopted son only and not truly his blood son as he claimed was the case. Either way, I never pried too deeply to learn the truth of it, respecting both the boy's privacy and that of his father. He had dark skin, black curly hair that came about to the middle of his back... and his face was elegantly beautiful and hauntingly familiar to me in a way that at the time I could not quite place. He so had an aquiline nose, full lips and deep brown eyes. His face was freckled and smiling, and there was a bit of an exotic quality to his voice when he spoke... as if he was stifling, a foreign accent. One that I could just not quite figure out the country to which such an accent did belong. He had a slender body, rather athletic, with a rather feminine shape to his hips and a very feminine sort of look to his rounded buttocks. Something I teased him about by complimenting him upon how nice of an ass he had and then giving his buttocks a bit of a squeeze. He slapped me for that, which was I then remarked precisely what a woman would do. He then told me not to do that again, so I did as he asked.
“I do not like being touched, my lady!” he had explained, and I teased him that perhaps the best way to get him over his dislike of it would be to engage in it a bit more often from time to time. He sighed, and said to me: “They say that you are something of a hedonist, as well as a godless heathen, Mordra. I see by your rather predatory behavior towards me that they are right! Whilst I like women well enough. I prefer women who act with more restraint and less like a harlot. How does your wife put up with you? Surely you do not act this way towards her!” I then said unto him, smiling mischievously: “Oh, Galath! She actually prefers me to at this way towards her, and in fact encourages it.” To which the boy said in a tone that reminded me of a disapproving parent: “Then she is as depraved as you are! This is going to be a long, long journey with you as my companion for it.” I thought to myself: “And a boring one, with you as my companion for it!” but I did not say that aloud for fear of being slapped again. He had picked to wear for the journey a short red tunic beneath which he had on a knee-length white skirt under which he wore a pair of loose, baggy white pantaloons that were tucked into the soft leather boots that covered his feet. Beneath the tunic he wore a white blouse with short puffy sleeves, and I saw that his arms were totally hairless, just as my body was totally hairless. If he was a boy, then he had to be a hermaphrodite like myself, else at his age he would have had hair upon his arms already. His tunic was belted with a simple leather belt to which he did attach the scabbard for his sword, which was sheathed there. He had a pair of silver bracelets upon his wrists, decorated with emerald gemstones. Over his outfit, he wore a long red hooded cloak with the hood cast back form his head. He had a pair of silver looped earrings in each of his ears, and also he did wear a silver nose ring. I looked at his bracelets and said: “So, do you like emeralds then?” and he said to me: “They are my favorite gemstones of all.” I smiled at him in a bit of a knowing manner and then explained: “That is good, since the chalice that some say is the Grail... is rumored to be decorated with six emeralds of remarkable quality.” The young knight said simply: “Yes, I know.” and did not seem very keen on conversation. He also went out of his way to make certain that I could not see even a hint of his body as he got ready for our journey. He was not like some knights, but a great deal more private and to himself in many ways. He had a sense of mystery to him! I like that but it only would make it harder... given, that we were going to be spending the foreseeable future together. For my part I wore a long ankle-length purple gown with long puffy looking sleeves. The gown so laced up in the front, and about my waist I too wore a leather belt and thereon I kept my sword Albion. I had a pair of soft comfortable shoes upon my feet, the sort that noblewomen always favored in those times, if they did not wear slippers instead. I wore around my neck a necklace of black pearls, and over my gown I picked a light, comfortable silky feeling cloak which was a midnight back in color. My head was bald for I kept it shaved, and I likewise shaved my eyebrows off completely. I had in my ears, a pair of black pearl earrings and I wore a silver circlet upon my head... one of several that I owned... and in this circlet there was a blood red ruby set into the front and center of it. I was born an albino hermaphrodite... I had come to terms with that at last... who had fully functioning male genitalia. I no longer tried to hide that I had small breasts... and, the true shape of them could be seen in the gown that I was wearing. I had high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, small lips, and grayish blue almond-shaped eyes. My ears were tapered to an extent, but not enough for them to be pointed. My face was round, and had become more so over the years. I was of average build, and had a somewhat pronounced abdomen which gave my body more of a feminine look to it than it should have otherwise. I had feminine hips, and a buttocks shaped like that of a woman, rather than a man. I had long eyelashes, and had taken to using cosmetics... makeup, such as there was of it in those days... in order to make my appearance as feminine as I possibly could. I was on this occasion, bringing my makeup with me in my saddlebags. I kept my face and body clean shaven, so I brought the tools and means with which I performed this act along with me as well. As I did upon all of my journeys, wherein I would perform any such activities whilst staying at various inns for the night. When I was younger, I did not need to do this as much... but now it was something I needed to keep up.
I too preferred to dress myself privately, so in that at least my young companion and I were alike. We got to our horses, made certain to bring plenty of food, water, and supplies with us, and plenty of coins to pay for staying at inns along the way. I decided to pay for most of our needs myself, since I was more than a bit shocked to discover that for a noble knight Galath was rather a great deal poorer money-wise than the rest of us were. I had thought to discuss the matter with the boy's father, but it slipped my mind and the subject never ended up being mentioned after all. Upon the first day of our journey, I did ask of the boy's mother, and he confessed unto me a sad truth: “She died, Mordra. She died fairly recently, and I am still pained by it. She was kind to me, and in many ways... only she truly, fully understood me. My father knew me but little, in comparison!” Thus was it that I did not bring up that subject again, since it did indeed appear to bring the boy a great deal of pain to think about it. I asked him, to tell me of some of the adventures he had been upon previous to this one, and he told me stories of how he, Peredur, and Sir Bors had gone upon many wild and dangerous quests, missions, and adventures together. They had recused maidens who had been in peril, they had guarded caravans that journeyed through some of the more perilous parts of the country, and they had journeyed over the sea to distant islands in search of all manner of fabulous treasures and ancient artifacts. “We sailed upon a ship which we were told had once belonged to King Solomon.” the boy said, adding: “Of course that was impossible, that it ever could so have belonged to him, since any ship that old would have rotted away in ages long past. But the sword I carry... is said in the most reputable fashion, to have belonged to King David. The person who gave it to me, was a pilgrim from a far away kingdom in the lands wherein the events of the holy scriptures of the Christian traditions took place, who said that he did discover it within the ruins of a great temple. How it was that we came to meet with this pilgrim, I shall relate unto you next.” and as we rode along, I had listened with care to the tale that the boy then told unto me. It was a tale filled with many strange and in fact quite supernatural happens. Within his tale there were encounters with angels and ancient gods and goddesses of the land, and there were encounters with demons and devils, and possessed individuals. In that respect, Galath explained to me: “I can exorcise demons and devils, from such possessed people. It was always something I have been able to do, ever since I was a good deal younger than I am today.” so after that he got back to his story... and I found it fascinating to listen to, over the rhythmic sound of my horse's hoof beats. I remarked: “So, you are like unto the Christ himself, and his disciples, then? In that you can perform miracles, I mean!” to which he looked at me strangely and said: “It is no special thing, to be able to do such deeds as that. Did you not know that the Christ teaches that anyone can do and be as the great teacher himself did and was. All it takes to faith, purity... and understand of certain things.” I then asked of the boy: “What sort of certain things? I know much of Christianity though I confess that I do not practice it or hold it to be my faith of choice. And I do not recall there being anything in any of the scriptures that was particularly specific in regard to knowledge of mystical things. Merely that bit of which you spoke which said anyone could do such things if they wished to.” This... was what he said to me in answer to my question: “It depends upon which holy scriptures you have read. The ones that did so illuminate me, are more ancient and detailed in many ways than the ones which priests like to quote, and which monks memorize and scribes copy. They are also regarded by some as heresy.” I smiled, on hearing this, and said to the young knight: “Heresy, eh? I like you more already!” to which Galath just rolled his eyes a bit and let out an exasperated sigh. “You never change, do you?” he asked me, and on hearing him say that I replied: “Oh, Galath! You are the one who just implied that you are a heretic. Not I. I merely voiced my approval.” to which the boy smiled and admitted with a chuckle: “Do you want to know a secret about me? I actually am a heretic... and rather proud of it!” and we laughed a bit together as we rode ever onward, our horses next to each other as we did so. He was a very beautiful boy, I could not help but noticing. His face reminded me, I now realized, a bit of the girl who had been known as the Holy Grail. But such looks I figured, were likely common enough in certain lands... with boys and girls.
I had expected that we would journey aimlessly, and perhaps visit strange and perhaps fabulous sorts of locations of the sort that Galath had told me of in his tales. I was quite surprised then, when he told me that we were to ride westward and from there towards the direction of distant Lyonesse. I had a bit of a realization then regarding that decision. It implied that the young knight had heard of the castle in the wasteland there, and that he wished to visit it in search of the Holy Grail. I warned him: “You know, if the reason we are bound for Lyonesse is to go to the castle in the wasteland there, it might be far and much better served were we to direct our energies elsewhere in regards to our quest. The last thing that I had heard of the place, there was nothing there whatsoever to find.” And Galath said to me something I found to be most peculiar indeed. He stated: “That is where you are wrong, Mordra. There is much that remains there for us to discover. More do perhaps for you, than for myself.” I grew quite cross with him at that point and demanded to know what he meant by his words. He then said to me with an incredible sense of calm to his beautiful voice: “Peace, is what I am speaking of. It is a place of peace after all and by your somewhat hostile and nervous reaction I would say you are greatly in need of such.” He winked at me after that and smiled mischievously. I found myself spontaneously becoming aroused by his smile and I tried to think of other things in order to calm my hardening male member. I had a difficult time as it was when it came to containing things like love, desire, and sometimes lust. Part of me still remained much as I had been before the spirit of Gwenhyver had come to dwell within me, and I had a rather odd sort of dislike for my male aspects now. But even so... they remained a part of me and I had yet to come to terms with that. Along to way to Lyonesse, we stopped at a secluded grove for the night rather than in fact choosing an inn. By that point, we had only used the inns to rest at, and so I wondered why it was... that now suddenly my young companion should desire to set up camp in so unusual a place. It was not in a part of the land that was overtly troubled, and no thieves, bandits, or criminals made their lairs in the wilds there. It was, all in all, a lovely and serenely peaceful place. The moon was a crescent in the sky that night, and the stars were twinkling brightly. Owls and other night birds and insects made their songs, sounds, and noises, and for the most part it was a rather splendidly beautiful evening. As we did sit down upon the blankets that Galath had brought for making camping such as this more comfortable, he chose to sit in a way that I noticed ladies oft favored. I sat in a similar manner, and said unto him as I noticed this: “So, Galath, do you wish sometimes that you had been born a woman? I cannot help but to notice that... and I mean this with no disrespect towards you whatsoever... you are rather quite feminine in most every respect. I myself used to live as a man, so if you tell me anything in confidence reagrding such a matter, I will keep your secret if a secret you have.” He placed his hand over his face as if in a bit of pain, and I saw that something troubled him greatly. He shook a bit nervously, and I had never up to that point so much as seen him even sweat in terms of nervousness. He said, his voice shaking a little as he did so: “Mordra, I... my situation in life is quite complicated. The less you know of it just yet, I think the better it would be for the both of us. As it is, there is something I am holding back from you that is, for me, quite difficult to hide. It is something I am holding back from everybody, even from Arthur. For there are certain subjects that can only be spoken of when the time is right! And only to certain people... I wish to reveal my secret to you, but so far I have not managed to find either the correct time or place to reveal it in. This troubles and vexes me greatly! I am not used to hiding things from anyone. But my father, he knows the whole of it, and that he never told you says that he also felt the time was not right.” I saw tears form in the boy's eyes as he said that, and I reached out to wipe the tears away. Galath, for the first time since we met, allowed me to touch him... letting me wipe away his tears. That simple and compassionate act of tenderness made him appear to feel a bit happier. He gasped a little as my hand so caressed his face, wiping the tears away, and he drew in a deep breath and said sweetly: “Thank you. I... I was not expecting such a caring gesture from you.” I asked him: “Why?” to which he replied: “Let us just say that in some parts of the country, you are not renowned for being so caring a soul.” He smiled.
When I laid down to sleep that night, Galath asked if he could lay down next to me, and I told him it would be nice if he did. He put his arm around me as I lay upon my side, and I felt his head nestling up to me. He kissed the back of my neck and said something to me that was perhaps the strangest thing so far of all. And what he said unto me was: “I am sorry I misjudged you, Mordra. You are not as wicked, as I have heard tell.” His body felt warm, and I found my desire for him returning. I turned around and I reached to caress his body, which he allowed me to do up until I went to touch him between his legs. In that instant, he grabbed my hand and pulled it away from there, saying in a frightened tone: “No! Please not yet, not yet. I am not ready for that yet.” He was breathing frantically, and looked terrified. He then calmed himself down... and reached his hand between my legs instead, where he pulled up the skirts of my gown and pulled my quite hard member from my undergarments. “Let me take care of this for you, for tonight. Just to cool that raging lust of yours!” he said teasingly, and then told me to close my eyes. I felt his hand moving up and down over my manhood, and his lips and mouth were upon it soon. I was not expecting such an act from him, since he seemed so pious, and acted almost virginal up until now. I felt ecstatic as he pleasured me, and when I reached orgasm in his mouth he swallowed it and wiped off his mouth and my manhood with a small cloth. He drank a bit of wine after that, likely to get the taste of my orgasm out of his mouth, and then told me to turn over on my side again which I did. He went back to cuddling up to me as he had been doing before and kissed the back of my neck once again. He then said unto me in a loving whisper: “Go to sleep, Mordred. We shall have a busy enough day, when the dawn has come, and tonight was pleasant enough for the both of us. Have peaceful dreams.” I then whispered back to him: “Thank you, Galath!” and I allowed myself to slip into slumber. My dreams, as they did come at last, were strange. In them, I stood within the castle in the wasteland, where we were in fact bound, and there I found the place to be empty. So empty was it, that it appeared as if no one had ever lived there at all! I walked through the hallways, and saw that both Peredur and Bors were there. In their faces was sadness such as I had never seen before, and their tears were of blood. I tried to ask both of them what troubled them so, almost as if the bloody tears was less important somehow than what it was which caused them to weep. But it was as though they could not see me! I proceeded to walk down and through the familiar passages of the castle until I came to the tower wherein the Holy Grail used to dwell. But the moment I went to ascend the steps up the tower, Galath appeared... and was dressed now in a beautiful long, flowing white gown with long billowing sleeves and wide neckline. I saw now that Galath was female rather than male, and that he... she... was almost a twin to the Grail Maiden herself. She laid her hand upon my shoulder and said unto me sternly: “Do not go up there! Do not look back... do not remember. Think only of the future, let the past remain with the dead.” I fell to my knees and I clutched my face, clawing at it frantically as I broke down and cried saying: “Forgive me! I knew not what I had done.” And just as Galath was about to speak I woke up and felt a tremendous sense of fear and terror in my heart. It was dawn already, and the real... rather than the dream... Galath sat up from his slumber suddenly and noticed my distress and the fact that it was morning now. He then did clear his throat and say unto me compassionately: “Mordred! Calm yourself, it was only a dream, whatever it was. I am right here! Look at me, just look at me. It is going to be alright. Understand?” and I nodded my head to indicate that I understood. I gazed into the young knight's face and said unto him: “I have to tell you, Galath, that you... remind me of someone... but if I told you who, it might be too painful, and difficult, for me to relate. And I fear you might not understand the whole of it.” The boy then, noticing that I was standing up, having darted up from my nightmare, walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing his body against mine and nestling his head upon my chest. He asked me of what I had just said, asking the following: “Do I remind you someone you once loved and lost?” I the ran my fingers through his soft curly dark hair and admitted unto him: “It was someone I lost, yes! And someone I desired... and could have come to love, had things gone differently than they did in the end.”
The boy smiled up at me... he was not a tall young man for his head came to my chest. He was quite a bit shorter than he should have been for one who is sixteen years old. He then said: “Sometimes, if you are lucky, you can get a second chance you know.” I began to cry suddenly when he said that and he did dry the tears from my face with his hand just as I had done for him. “Let her go, Mordred! And think of me instead, if I remind you of her. Whomever she was, this ghost who haunts you so. Perhaps when we reach our journey's end... I will be ready to fill for you the void she left within your heart.” I asked him why he kept calling me Mordred. “Galath, my name is Mordra now! Not Mordred.” to which he said to me: “Most of the time yes! But last night, you were very much Mordred.” He winked, and we began to feel our spirits brightening. We got back on our horses after packing everything up and we set forth for the eastern borderlands of Lyonesse once more. Was I falling in love with young Galath? I did not truly know. But if I was, then perhaps it was in a way also a part of my redemption for the sin that I had thus committed upon the Holy Grail so very long ago. For was the young knight not also a blessed child in so many ways? I put these musings from my mind in order to focus upon the task at hand. Ere long, we did reach Lyonesse and as usual the guards at its' border recognized me, and allowed me and my lovely companion to pass. And I did find the boy to be quite lovely! He was troubled, clearly, but so was I. In that, we made for good companions after all. A far cry from how I had imagined this journey would go for us! At first, I had half expected we would kill each other by journey's end. But the opposite was fast becoming true. I was fond of him now! And he was becoming fond of me also. It was a while before we reached the horrid dry wastelands, which had grown worse since last I ventured there. The bones of all manner of animals could be seen in places, and what few places where water could be found before had dried up entirely now. “This place is terrible. Worse than I remember it!” I said, to which Galath said to me: “It is worse than I remember it as well.” We then both looked at each other and my face had upon it a curious expression as I said unto the boy: “Wait a moment! I thought that you had not ever been here before. That is why I decided to lead you hither, since I have been here before.” Then the young knight said in a slightly nervous manner: “I... I did not actually remember the way, but I was here once before when I was much younger. Many, many years ago.” I let it go, figuring his father had taken him perhaps on a pilgrimage to this place, for many regarded the castle in the wasteland as a sacred location. Though the dark druids who call that place home do not like outsiders to visit their dwelling uninvited. I then so had a mind to warn the boy about the druids... and explained that I myself was welcome among them. It would be best, I explained, for him to therefore follow my lead once we got there. He smiled, nodded in agreement, and we rode along across that dreadful desolation, coming at last by the ways I had not tread in a good long time to the great castle which had once been the dwelling place of the Holy Grail. I saw that the surrounding walls were cracked, and falling apart in places, and that the once mighty reinforced gate that was set into those walls was beginning to show signs of the wood rotting. The gate opened far easier now then when last I stood before it and pressed against its' weight to open it. The gardens that so had existed upon the other side of that gate were still beautiful but had grown far more wild and it now appeared that they were for the most part untended by the druids. But they had to have still been being watered, because if anything they thrived too well! Even as untended as they seemed to be. I looked at the white marble bench where it was that I had first met my beloved wife Kundry. I missed her terribly, and longed to return to our home in the Golden Woods to be with her once again. I told Galath as much to which he replied: “I can tell that something about this place troubles you. I too do not wish to be here after all, but we must enter the castle. What I am seeking can only be found within.” I explained to him, however: “Only the ghosts of the past remain within that castle's walls! We should leave this place and seek the Holy Grail elsewhere.” but my companion was adamant, insisting: “You will see! There yet do remain secrets within that castle which no one has discovered. Once we are within, we shall seek them out together and accomplish our noble quest.” He then took my hand and squeezed it tightly... smiling.
We approached the main door of the castle's keep. There was no need for me to seek another entrance this time, and we opened the door, forgoing knocking upon it. It opened readily, and within the castle I was confronted with the labyrinthine passages and rooms which had confounded me the first time that I had ventured therein. Kundry had to lead me through it then. Now, I knew the way rightly enough to be able to lead Galath in the direction of the tower wherein the Holy Grail had once lived. I wanted truly to scream! This was a place that had brought me both my greatest happiness... my wife... and my greatest and most terrible trauma. The guilt born from the Holy Grail's death, which I had caused. There was no longer anyone living there. I could not hear the chanting of the druids, nor the sound of footsteps, nor so much as the squeaking of a mouse. There was the sound of a light wind blowing from outside through a few of the halls and rooms, but otherwise the keep may as well have been in ruins. “This place! It has... changed much... since I walked within these halls. The druids seem to have abandoned it wholly.” I did explain, to which Galath replied: “It may not be wholly abandoned after all, though. We should search, just to know for certain!” He then took the lead, and said that I should follow him... since he knew of a secret way that he remembered from when he had been here himself in the past. We had left our horses tied to a couple of trees back in the gardens, and had taken with us a couple of torches that we lit once we entered the keep due to how dark it now was within. There was no longer any light in this place, for the druids who had kept it lit did not do so anymore. Our torches flickered in the darkness as my young companion led me down stairs after stairs, until we descended deeper and deeper, venturing at last into the keep's under chambers. This was where the dark druids had once held their most private and sacred of rites and rituals. It was empty now, and there looked to be nothing within the chamber at all. It had to it the look of a natural cavern with a few walls made from stone and brick here and there. Some of the walls looked broken, and even here there were signs of long abandonment. I could hear voices suddenly and cautioned Galath to be wary in case there were intruders come to this place in search of riches. In this vacant state, the castle reasonably could be a target for such adventurers. We hid in a corner of the great room as the voices drew nearer and nearer. Ere long, two men walked within and proceeded to be giving the place a thorough looking over. But these were no strangers! It was Peredur and Bors, who so had likely come hither from Camelot on a similar quest to mine and Galath's. Peredur was a tall man of about six feet in height, who had a simple manner... and mind... which gave him a somewhat childlike sort of personality. He was immaculately clean shaven... and his intense blue eyes sparkled a bit in the dim glow of the torch he held in his hand. His hair was blonde, and closely cropped to his head. He had a kind face, and was in general a most kindly man. He wore a short white tunic, a breastplate, and a pair of gray trousers tucked into soft dark gray boots. His leather belt had upon it the scabbard where he did keep his sword. In the hand which did not hold a torch, he grasped a sturdy looking battle ax. He was a muscular man, as well as tall, but his strength was second to his renowned goodness. His companion... Bors... was a big burly bear of a man whom I had often teased and called “Bors the Boar” in the past. A jest that he jovially laughed about himself, more oft than not. Bors had sandy colored hair, that he kept cut very close to his head, a great deal more so than Peredur kept his. He was beginning I noticed to put on a bit of weight since last I saw him, Bors was. He had dark eyes, and wide mouth, and a broad nose that went rather well with his overall large frame and round face. He wore a similar outfit, to Peredur... only his tunic was a dark blue in color and his trousers were dark brown. He clutched a spear in his free hand, and looked about nervously. I called out to the two men as Galath and I walked forward to meet with them. “So, what brings you two boys to this place?” I asked, to which Bors, who oft did most of the talking for he and Peredur both, answered: “Same as you, I'd wager! Looking for the Holy Grail. All the tales, legends, rumors and more point to this being the resting place of it. We had all we could do to follow our noses down this way. The place is a bloody maze!” I explained that Galath said he knew of a secret kept here that he wanted to show me. Galath then thus proceeded towards one of the stone walls.
There, he pressed upon one of the rocks and at the far end of the chamber the sound of stone on stone did resound, as if a stone door was sliding open. We walked into that direction and our torches revealed that there indeed was now an open doorway where none had been a moment ago. “Follow me! I want to show all of you something.” the young boy said, and we followed wherein he led us. We traveled along a short hallway and that led us into an ancient looking throne room. There were two empty thrones on a low dais, and all around the room were stone sarcophagi. There were also alcoves set into every wall in which were more such old stone coffins. There were so many, that it could take some time to count the number of them all! This was clearly a special crypt or a tomb of some kind, I did notice, and there was a somber atmosphere about it. Galath then explained to us the significance of this grim place: “Herein, so lies the final resting place of some of the first maidens to carry within them the ancient bloodline of Jesus... of Jesus the Christ. They are all my ancestors! I am not actually the blood child of the princess Elaine of Corbenic and her lover Llwch Lleminawg. They are my adopted parents only, and now I shall relate unto you all the truth of who it is that I truly am. When I was twelve years old, I did suffer a truly horrible fate far worse than death when I lived within this castle, in one of its' towers where I had taken my rightful place as the most recent maiden in this most holy lineage. This thing I suffered drove me to cast myself from the window of the tower, to my death. But the dark druids who were my guardians did do a very wise thing! They brought me to the Sisterhood of Avalon, where they told everyone I was now to be laid to rest there... rather than here. But the sisterhood know of a way to cross into the other world of the ancient gods and goddesses of the land... and, in that place they sought out divine help. I was thus resurrected from the dead, by the power of those deities, which altered forever my understanding of the nature of things in this world. I now realized, that there was not just one almighty deity ruling over all... and that the divinities of old were not the fallen ones that some claim them to be. There was more than I had ever imagined possible to the universe all around us! And there are universes even beyond the one we live within. If what I say sounds strange, please forgive me! I speak the truth, however, no matter if it sounds strange to hear me say it. A side effect of my resurrection... was that it aged my body up to my sixteenth year of age. I did not linger long in the other world after that, for time flows strangely there... and I had no wish to be changed further than I already had been by that place. Thus did I decided to so emerge from there and try to figure out what next to do with my life. I remained with the priestesses at Avalon for I know not how long, but it was long enough to discover that my body no longer aged at all. For in order to resurrect me from the dead, a part of what was done involved me being given the purest blood of the ancient Elvish folk, who still dwell in the part of the other world that is called Faerie. Thus do I now age as slowly as did the Fair Folk of old. At some point, I set forth from Avalon to seek out on the advice of the priestesses the kingdom of Corbenic, where I was to tell the princess Elaine all that so had befallen me. When I got there, I did as they had so bid me and Elaine took pity on me and did adopt me... to present me to all the world as if I was her own blood daughter. That is the reason why, when it was that Llwch Lleminawg fell in love with the princess and pledged to marry her, he also did to please her regard me also as his blood child. Noticing that I was, as he put it, 'strong in body, will, and mind as well, and of an honorable and goodly nature' he suggested that I would make a good knight in service to Arthur, whom he himself served. And so... I did disguise myself, however poorly perhaps, as a man and in the attire of a man I ventured to Camelot where I became a knight. Llwch Lleminawg, chose to come with me to Camelot, where he vouched for me so that the High King would see the worth in knighting me. Naturally, he made me out to be the greatest knight in the entire kingdom, which amused Arthur a great deal I think. He never returned to Corbenic again, though often I would visit Elaine there... for in a way, she was my mother after all. She seemed sadder and sadder each time, and by the time of my last visit she was on her deathbed, and perished from a broken heart. You all know of my history as one of Arthur's knights, and now you know what befell me before becoming one. My actual name, is Judith.”
It was her, it was the woman I had caused the death of countless years before... now eternally, or close enough thereto, a sixteen year old girl. As the Holy Grail, she had known Arthur, but that was when she was still a little girl, rather than the teenage boy she presented herself as to him when she was knighted. She should have been so very much older by then... and would have been had she lived and not been by divine magic resurrected in the way that she was. None one would even guess her true identity, for it so defied all the logic and reason of this world. But she was of this world no longer! I still remembered all that she had revealed unto me. Arthur had the holy blood within him, and I carried it too. We were all in various ways blood kindred! I waited... and Judith revealed this fact to the other two knights next. After so doing this, she bade Peredur and Bors to go back through the secret door and to wait for she and I to catch up with them. They did as she asked and I remained with her in the throne room. There, she took me by the hand again and we sat together on the dais next to each other... holding hands as might lovers who had not seen each other in many years. She let my hand go and removed her belt and also her tunic so that she could unlace the front of her blouse. I so saw that she wore a tightly wrapped cloth about her chest, and after taking off her blouse she undid that cloth... which had been binding her otherwise very beautifully shaped breasts. I could not help but stare at them approvingly, which caused Judith to smile. She put her blouse back on and laced it up again after that. Then she said, still smiling: “You have truly changed so much, Mordred... and yet so little! I forgive you for what happened all those years ago. We both have become someone else since then, it seems. Over the course of our journey, I have learned to stop hating you and to see the good in you... and I think I may even be able to admit that I love you for that goodness. How do you feel about me, after all this?” I then began to cry, and admitted to her: “It is hard for me to see you again, here in this place, after what passed between us in that tower. But it feels so good also! Because you live, and the guilt I felt over your death can now be banished from me. Also, I too have come to love you during our journey, more than I had at first expected I would. I loved you... even back when I had hurt you so terribly... I just allowed my lust to rule me more than my heart. And I think I may have been somewhat mad at the time as well. I was not truly acting like myself at all. That you forgive me, and are willing to trust me even after all that, it brings such joy to my heart and that is why I am crying. Not from sorrow!” she then dried my tears again with her hand. Her soft, soft hand... and she leaned forward and kissed me passionately, our lips meeting. After that... she asked me to hold her close, and she let me caress her breasts, and to feel her between her legs, finally. When she became excited enough, we removed our clothes and made love together, caring not if the two knights could so hear us from down the hallway and out the secret door. After a couple of pleasant hours spent thus, we got dressed again, and Judith brought me out of that place. Following our time in that castle, she and I, in the company of Peredur and Bors, set out for the island of Sarras, which had fallen into darkness and evil. It was reached by way of that ship which was falsely claimed to have belonged to King Solomon... and once we got there, we brought order to the troubled island once again. We remained there for a year during which time we ruled over the island, in the name of the High King. At that year's end, we named four of the noblest of all the folk of that island to rule over it in our place. Following that, we did leave the island and began to journey back to Camelot once more. As we rode along the road thereto, we did chance to spy a hooded figure dressed all in black standing before us. He gestured for us to stop, and we did so in order to see what he had to say. I recognized when he spoke that he was the ancient god of the dead, Arawn. He told us that Judith's time in the mortal world was so at an end, and in payment for her resurrection she needed to go back to the other world once more... there, to dwell forever. She agreed to his terms, and she and I both got off our steeds in order to embrace and kiss one final time. “Will I ever see you again?” I asked her. “Well, it is not like I am dying a second time!” she jested. Arawn, then did open a portal out of thin air... there in the middle of the road. Judith passed through it, and he followed. So shocked was Peredur on witnessing this, that he died. Bors and I brought his body back to Camelot.
It had been some time since my father, Arthur, married the princess Gwendoline, who became known more famously after that by her royal name and title, which was High Queen Guinevere... or, far more simply to the people over whom she ruled, Queen Guinevere. She was not one to prefer elaborate titles, or overly fancy embellishments. She was, at heart... a simple woman, despite her royal blood and noble upbringing, which had prepared her well for becoming a good and decent queen. Of the events that had followed thereupon, it would take far too many volumes to tell of all that transpired in my own life, and in the lives of my fellow knights of the Round Table. For a time, the High King... Arthur... grew quite ill and it was not known what had befallen him. Many claimed that it was a sickness birthed more form his spirit than his body, but in any case it seemed during the time of his illness that the land too did sicken, or at the very least it seemed to. Folk believed that only the power of the Holy Grail could cure this, and so did many knights go forth in quest of it. None realized that the previous Holy Grail, who had been a blessed and sacred maiden, had perished long before due to events that I had once had a hand in due to a madness that had befallen the child sorceress Kundry, who was my wife. A madness that had afflicted me at the time no less wickedly. But I had managed to redeem myself since then, and no one knew what it was that now the knights went forth in quest of. Each returned, with tales of having discovered every sort of different thing! The simple Sir Peredur went forth alone, and returned with fabulous stories of a distant castle inhabited by a lame king who needed to be healed, and he told of his adventures that had surrounded this event. Llwch Lleminawg set forth alone as well, and returned in tears to say that of his journey all had been a failure and had been for nothing. He would not even tell me what had befallen... and he had loved me perhaps more than all others of my fellow knights due to the fact that I had within me the spirit of his former lover, Arthur's previous wife and queen, Gwenhyver. All that he could say of it over and over again was that he had failed and would not go forth upon this quest again. However, he had a son by a former lover of his, a lover of whom he never spoke to me but when the subject of it was brought up, it brought tears to his eyes every single time. In any case... that son's name was Galath, and he was by the time of all this questing the youngest of all of Arthur's greatest of knights. He was, to be honest about it, little more than but a boy... but, as a boy regardless he had distinguished himself greatly as a knight and so was now highly favored. This is now what leads us to the events that I shall chronicle within this part of my telling regarding my life back in those days as Mordred the child of Arthur. I had ceased to live as a man any longer... and by the start of the part of the quest for the Holy Grail in which Galath was about to set out... no one regarded me as a man anymore. I was now known, to all, as Dame Mordra, and I had won a great deal of fame as a lady warrior once again. I say once again, because I had over time found that more and more my mind possessed all of the former memories, feelings, emotions, and thoughts of Gwenhyver herself. So merged had they become... with my identity as Mordred... that I at times had to think carefully where one did begin and the other ended. Those who knew this about me remained silent about it, for had that truth been revealed that I was in fact the resurrected former High Queen herself... it could have led to a civil war all across Arthur's kingdom. For whilst there were very much some who liked the new High Queen well enough, there were many more still who preferred the way that Gwenhyver had done things. For as goodly and kind and noble as she was, Gwendoline was in all fact of the matter not a warrior and had little to no experience with such matters as warriors only did understand. Thus it is, that if they so much as suspected that Gwenhyver was not actually dead after all, the people who loved her with the most radical zeal might be compelled to attempt to reinstate her, as their ruler, even if it meant going against Arthur himself to place her upon the throne. This was now a secret that could never be allowed to be revealed! But returning to the quest for the Holy Grail, it was Galath who decided at last to accomplish the quest and seek out and find the blessed thing which up to this moment no other knight had found. But this raised, for me, countless strange and awful questions!
Some did know of my experience with the Holy Grail. Those who did, knew that she was dead. Thus, I wondered what this new thing was which everyone was going off in search of. It was surely now not the maiden whom I had met... with tragic results. This was something else which held the same title as she had once held. I began to wonder! Had her successor been chosen and now people sought her? This vexed me greatly, and so I did agree to accompany young Galath upon his quest to discover it and find the truth of its' rumored existence. I asked my father what it was that him believe the Holy Grail existed at all any longer, and he did say unto me: “I beheld in a vision, a most wondrous sight! Many angels did descend unto the Round Table I saw, and they carried with them a golden platter upon which was dried blood. The platter contained upon it a golden chalice, which was decorated with six beautiful emeralds of a sparkling manner that did draw my attention most raptly. Delicate white clouds then enshrouded all that I beheld, and there was a light within the clouds that did speak unto me. And it spoke thus, saying: 'Arthur, king, thou dost sicken and as the king and the land art one so also shalt thy kingdom sicken. So shalt thou send forth thy knights to quest for the Holy Grail. Seek, and ye shall find! For only when this be found, shalt thy malady be healed and the land cleansed of the sickness that ails thee and it.' So do I believe that this vision was granted me by God in all infinite mercy and goodness. The Holy Grail is out there somewhere still! Only in its' finding can God be moved to work the miracle of my healing and so also the healing of my kingdom.” I took him to be temporarily mad from the fever that was upon him at the time due to his sickness, but all the same the chalice he described was the same identical one that so was held in the hands of the sacred maiden herself. Somehow, in some manner, she still lived! Even as impossible as that notion was. And if she did not wish to be found, it was because she was angry or hurt over what had befallen her at my hands. I needed to find her, to atone for what I had done to her before, and to redeem myself at last fully in her eyes. And yet! I had witnessed her suicide myself. But then did I remember... I too, the part of me that was Gwenhyver, had risen from the dead to live again. That very thought alone was enough to convince me that this quest was not a foolish or vain one. The boy did so make ready upon the earliest month of the spring season, upon the first warm day thereof. I did so assist the boy in preparing for his quest, and I advised him as best as I could on all the things that he could so expect to encounter upon such an adventure as this. The boy was an androgynous looking youth, and at the time of these events he was sixteen years of age. Many suspected that he was actually a girl... and it was something he grew most viciously angry about whenever anyone brought the subject up. “I am not a girl!” he would proclaim, and yet his voice was quite feminine and rather lovely. I told him so a great many time since first I was introduced to him, but ever he would glare at me but say nothing further. It gave me the impression that he disliked me greatly, but if he did... he never said so directly. Nor did he take offense to my accompanying him upon the quest for the Holy Grail. If anything, that seemed to be a thing that did almost grant him comfort when he spoke of it, and the way he spoke of it. He, if one so needed to be directly honest, did not look anything like his father at all. I simply assumed that either he took after his mother or was in fact Llwch Lleminawg's adopted son only and not truly his blood son as he claimed was the case. Either way, I never pried too deeply to learn the truth of it, respecting both the boy's privacy and that of his father. He had dark skin, black curly hair that came about to the middle of his back... and his face was elegantly beautiful and hauntingly familiar to me in a way that at the time I could not quite place. He so had an aquiline nose, full lips and deep brown eyes. His face was freckled and smiling, and there was a bit of an exotic quality to his voice when he spoke... as if he was stifling, a foreign accent. One that I could just not quite figure out the country to which such an accent did belong. He had a slender body, rather athletic, with a rather feminine shape to his hips and a very feminine sort of look to his rounded buttocks. Something I teased him about by complimenting him upon how nice of an ass he had and then giving his buttocks a bit of a squeeze. He slapped me for that, which was I then remarked precisely what a woman would do. He then told me not to do that again, so I did as he asked.
“I do not like being touched, my lady!” he had explained, and I teased him that perhaps the best way to get him over his dislike of it would be to engage in it a bit more often from time to time. He sighed, and said to me: “They say that you are something of a hedonist, as well as a godless heathen, Mordra. I see by your rather predatory behavior towards me that they are right! Whilst I like women well enough. I prefer women who act with more restraint and less like a harlot. How does your wife put up with you? Surely you do not act this way towards her!” I then said unto him, smiling mischievously: “Oh, Galath! She actually prefers me to at this way towards her, and in fact encourages it.” To which the boy said in a tone that reminded me of a disapproving parent: “Then she is as depraved as you are! This is going to be a long, long journey with you as my companion for it.” I thought to myself: “And a boring one, with you as my companion for it!” but I did not say that aloud for fear of being slapped again. He had picked to wear for the journey a short red tunic beneath which he had on a knee-length white skirt under which he wore a pair of loose, baggy white pantaloons that were tucked into the soft leather boots that covered his feet. Beneath the tunic he wore a white blouse with short puffy sleeves, and I saw that his arms were totally hairless, just as my body was totally hairless. If he was a boy, then he had to be a hermaphrodite like myself, else at his age he would have had hair upon his arms already. His tunic was belted with a simple leather belt to which he did attach the scabbard for his sword, which was sheathed there. He had a pair of silver bracelets upon his wrists, decorated with emerald gemstones. Over his outfit, he wore a long red hooded cloak with the hood cast back form his head. He had a pair of silver looped earrings in each of his ears, and also he did wear a silver nose ring. I looked at his bracelets and said: “So, do you like emeralds then?” and he said to me: “They are my favorite gemstones of all.” I smiled at him in a bit of a knowing manner and then explained: “That is good, since the chalice that some say is the Grail... is rumored to be decorated with six emeralds of remarkable quality.” The young knight said simply: “Yes, I know.” and did not seem very keen on conversation. He also went out of his way to make certain that I could not see even a hint of his body as he got ready for our journey. He was not like some knights, but a great deal more private and to himself in many ways. He had a sense of mystery to him! I like that but it only would make it harder... given, that we were going to be spending the foreseeable future together. For my part I wore a long ankle-length purple gown with long puffy looking sleeves. The gown so laced up in the front, and about my waist I too wore a leather belt and thereon I kept my sword Albion. I had a pair of soft comfortable shoes upon my feet, the sort that noblewomen always favored in those times, if they did not wear slippers instead. I wore around my neck a necklace of black pearls, and over my gown I picked a light, comfortable silky feeling cloak which was a midnight back in color. My head was bald for I kept it shaved, and I likewise shaved my eyebrows off completely. I had in my ears, a pair of black pearl earrings and I wore a silver circlet upon my head... one of several that I owned... and in this circlet there was a blood red ruby set into the front and center of it. I was born an albino hermaphrodite... I had come to terms with that at last... who had fully functioning male genitalia. I no longer tried to hide that I had small breasts... and, the true shape of them could be seen in the gown that I was wearing. I had high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, small lips, and grayish blue almond-shaped eyes. My ears were tapered to an extent, but not enough for them to be pointed. My face was round, and had become more so over the years. I was of average build, and had a somewhat pronounced abdomen which gave my body more of a feminine look to it than it should have otherwise. I had feminine hips, and a buttocks shaped like that of a woman, rather than a man. I had long eyelashes, and had taken to using cosmetics... makeup, such as there was of it in those days... in order to make my appearance as feminine as I possibly could. I was on this occasion, bringing my makeup with me in my saddlebags. I kept my face and body clean shaven, so I brought the tools and means with which I performed this act along with me as well. As I did upon all of my journeys, wherein I would perform any such activities whilst staying at various inns for the night. When I was younger, I did not need to do this as much... but now it was something I needed to keep up.
I too preferred to dress myself privately, so in that at least my young companion and I were alike. We got to our horses, made certain to bring plenty of food, water, and supplies with us, and plenty of coins to pay for staying at inns along the way. I decided to pay for most of our needs myself, since I was more than a bit shocked to discover that for a noble knight Galath was rather a great deal poorer money-wise than the rest of us were. I had thought to discuss the matter with the boy's father, but it slipped my mind and the subject never ended up being mentioned after all. Upon the first day of our journey, I did ask of the boy's mother, and he confessed unto me a sad truth: “She died, Mordra. She died fairly recently, and I am still pained by it. She was kind to me, and in many ways... only she truly, fully understood me. My father knew me but little, in comparison!” Thus was it that I did not bring up that subject again, since it did indeed appear to bring the boy a great deal of pain to think about it. I asked him, to tell me of some of the adventures he had been upon previous to this one, and he told me stories of how he, Peredur, and Sir Bors had gone upon many wild and dangerous quests, missions, and adventures together. They had recused maidens who had been in peril, they had guarded caravans that journeyed through some of the more perilous parts of the country, and they had journeyed over the sea to distant islands in search of all manner of fabulous treasures and ancient artifacts. “We sailed upon a ship which we were told had once belonged to King Solomon.” the boy said, adding: “Of course that was impossible, that it ever could so have belonged to him, since any ship that old would have rotted away in ages long past. But the sword I carry... is said in the most reputable fashion, to have belonged to King David. The person who gave it to me, was a pilgrim from a far away kingdom in the lands wherein the events of the holy scriptures of the Christian traditions took place, who said that he did discover it within the ruins of a great temple. How it was that we came to meet with this pilgrim, I shall relate unto you next.” and as we rode along, I had listened with care to the tale that the boy then told unto me. It was a tale filled with many strange and in fact quite supernatural happens. Within his tale there were encounters with angels and ancient gods and goddesses of the land, and there were encounters with demons and devils, and possessed individuals. In that respect, Galath explained to me: “I can exorcise demons and devils, from such possessed people. It was always something I have been able to do, ever since I was a good deal younger than I am today.” so after that he got back to his story... and I found it fascinating to listen to, over the rhythmic sound of my horse's hoof beats. I remarked: “So, you are like unto the Christ himself, and his disciples, then? In that you can perform miracles, I mean!” to which he looked at me strangely and said: “It is no special thing, to be able to do such deeds as that. Did you not know that the Christ teaches that anyone can do and be as the great teacher himself did and was. All it takes to faith, purity... and understand of certain things.” I then asked of the boy: “What sort of certain things? I know much of Christianity though I confess that I do not practice it or hold it to be my faith of choice. And I do not recall there being anything in any of the scriptures that was particularly specific in regard to knowledge of mystical things. Merely that bit of which you spoke which said anyone could do such things if they wished to.” This... was what he said to me in answer to my question: “It depends upon which holy scriptures you have read. The ones that did so illuminate me, are more ancient and detailed in many ways than the ones which priests like to quote, and which monks memorize and scribes copy. They are also regarded by some as heresy.” I smiled, on hearing this, and said to the young knight: “Heresy, eh? I like you more already!” to which Galath just rolled his eyes a bit and let out an exasperated sigh. “You never change, do you?” he asked me, and on hearing him say that I replied: “Oh, Galath! You are the one who just implied that you are a heretic. Not I. I merely voiced my approval.” to which the boy smiled and admitted with a chuckle: “Do you want to know a secret about me? I actually am a heretic... and rather proud of it!” and we laughed a bit together as we rode ever onward, our horses next to each other as we did so. He was a very beautiful boy, I could not help but noticing. His face reminded me, I now realized, a bit of the girl who had been known as the Holy Grail. But such looks I figured, were likely common enough in certain lands... with boys and girls.
I had expected that we would journey aimlessly, and perhaps visit strange and perhaps fabulous sorts of locations of the sort that Galath had told me of in his tales. I was quite surprised then, when he told me that we were to ride westward and from there towards the direction of distant Lyonesse. I had a bit of a realization then regarding that decision. It implied that the young knight had heard of the castle in the wasteland there, and that he wished to visit it in search of the Holy Grail. I warned him: “You know, if the reason we are bound for Lyonesse is to go to the castle in the wasteland there, it might be far and much better served were we to direct our energies elsewhere in regards to our quest. The last thing that I had heard of the place, there was nothing there whatsoever to find.” And Galath said to me something I found to be most peculiar indeed. He stated: “That is where you are wrong, Mordra. There is much that remains there for us to discover. More do perhaps for you, than for myself.” I grew quite cross with him at that point and demanded to know what he meant by his words. He then said to me with an incredible sense of calm to his beautiful voice: “Peace, is what I am speaking of. It is a place of peace after all and by your somewhat hostile and nervous reaction I would say you are greatly in need of such.” He winked at me after that and smiled mischievously. I found myself spontaneously becoming aroused by his smile and I tried to think of other things in order to calm my hardening male member. I had a difficult time as it was when it came to containing things like love, desire, and sometimes lust. Part of me still remained much as I had been before the spirit of Gwenhyver had come to dwell within me, and I had a rather odd sort of dislike for my male aspects now. But even so... they remained a part of me and I had yet to come to terms with that. Along to way to Lyonesse, we stopped at a secluded grove for the night rather than in fact choosing an inn. By that point, we had only used the inns to rest at, and so I wondered why it was... that now suddenly my young companion should desire to set up camp in so unusual a place. It was not in a part of the land that was overtly troubled, and no thieves, bandits, or criminals made their lairs in the wilds there. It was, all in all, a lovely and serenely peaceful place. The moon was a crescent in the sky that night, and the stars were twinkling brightly. Owls and other night birds and insects made their songs, sounds, and noises, and for the most part it was a rather splendidly beautiful evening. As we did sit down upon the blankets that Galath had brought for making camping such as this more comfortable, he chose to sit in a way that I noticed ladies oft favored. I sat in a similar manner, and said unto him as I noticed this: “So, Galath, do you wish sometimes that you had been born a woman? I cannot help but to notice that... and I mean this with no disrespect towards you whatsoever... you are rather quite feminine in most every respect. I myself used to live as a man, so if you tell me anything in confidence reagrding such a matter, I will keep your secret if a secret you have.” He placed his hand over his face as if in a bit of pain, and I saw that something troubled him greatly. He shook a bit nervously, and I had never up to that point so much as seen him even sweat in terms of nervousness. He said, his voice shaking a little as he did so: “Mordra, I... my situation in life is quite complicated. The less you know of it just yet, I think the better it would be for the both of us. As it is, there is something I am holding back from you that is, for me, quite difficult to hide. It is something I am holding back from everybody, even from Arthur. For there are certain subjects that can only be spoken of when the time is right! And only to certain people... I wish to reveal my secret to you, but so far I have not managed to find either the correct time or place to reveal it in. This troubles and vexes me greatly! I am not used to hiding things from anyone. But my father, he knows the whole of it, and that he never told you says that he also felt the time was not right.” I saw tears form in the boy's eyes as he said that, and I reached out to wipe the tears away. Galath, for the first time since we met, allowed me to touch him... letting me wipe away his tears. That simple and compassionate act of tenderness made him appear to feel a bit happier. He gasped a little as my hand so caressed his face, wiping the tears away, and he drew in a deep breath and said sweetly: “Thank you. I... I was not expecting such a caring gesture from you.” I asked him: “Why?” to which he replied: “Let us just say that in some parts of the country, you are not renowned for being so caring a soul.” He smiled.
When I laid down to sleep that night, Galath asked if he could lay down next to me, and I told him it would be nice if he did. He put his arm around me as I lay upon my side, and I felt his head nestling up to me. He kissed the back of my neck and said something to me that was perhaps the strangest thing so far of all. And what he said unto me was: “I am sorry I misjudged you, Mordra. You are not as wicked, as I have heard tell.” His body felt warm, and I found my desire for him returning. I turned around and I reached to caress his body, which he allowed me to do up until I went to touch him between his legs. In that instant, he grabbed my hand and pulled it away from there, saying in a frightened tone: “No! Please not yet, not yet. I am not ready for that yet.” He was breathing frantically, and looked terrified. He then calmed himself down... and reached his hand between my legs instead, where he pulled up the skirts of my gown and pulled my quite hard member from my undergarments. “Let me take care of this for you, for tonight. Just to cool that raging lust of yours!” he said teasingly, and then told me to close my eyes. I felt his hand moving up and down over my manhood, and his lips and mouth were upon it soon. I was not expecting such an act from him, since he seemed so pious, and acted almost virginal up until now. I felt ecstatic as he pleasured me, and when I reached orgasm in his mouth he swallowed it and wiped off his mouth and my manhood with a small cloth. He drank a bit of wine after that, likely to get the taste of my orgasm out of his mouth, and then told me to turn over on my side again which I did. He went back to cuddling up to me as he had been doing before and kissed the back of my neck once again. He then said unto me in a loving whisper: “Go to sleep, Mordred. We shall have a busy enough day, when the dawn has come, and tonight was pleasant enough for the both of us. Have peaceful dreams.” I then whispered back to him: “Thank you, Galath!” and I allowed myself to slip into slumber. My dreams, as they did come at last, were strange. In them, I stood within the castle in the wasteland, where we were in fact bound, and there I found the place to be empty. So empty was it, that it appeared as if no one had ever lived there at all! I walked through the hallways, and saw that both Peredur and Bors were there. In their faces was sadness such as I had never seen before, and their tears were of blood. I tried to ask both of them what troubled them so, almost as if the bloody tears was less important somehow than what it was which caused them to weep. But it was as though they could not see me! I proceeded to walk down and through the familiar passages of the castle until I came to the tower wherein the Holy Grail used to dwell. But the moment I went to ascend the steps up the tower, Galath appeared... and was dressed now in a beautiful long, flowing white gown with long billowing sleeves and wide neckline. I saw now that Galath was female rather than male, and that he... she... was almost a twin to the Grail Maiden herself. She laid her hand upon my shoulder and said unto me sternly: “Do not go up there! Do not look back... do not remember. Think only of the future, let the past remain with the dead.” I fell to my knees and I clutched my face, clawing at it frantically as I broke down and cried saying: “Forgive me! I knew not what I had done.” And just as Galath was about to speak I woke up and felt a tremendous sense of fear and terror in my heart. It was dawn already, and the real... rather than the dream... Galath sat up from his slumber suddenly and noticed my distress and the fact that it was morning now. He then did clear his throat and say unto me compassionately: “Mordred! Calm yourself, it was only a dream, whatever it was. I am right here! Look at me, just look at me. It is going to be alright. Understand?” and I nodded my head to indicate that I understood. I gazed into the young knight's face and said unto him: “I have to tell you, Galath, that you... remind me of someone... but if I told you who, it might be too painful, and difficult, for me to relate. And I fear you might not understand the whole of it.” The boy then, noticing that I was standing up, having darted up from my nightmare, walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing his body against mine and nestling his head upon my chest. He asked me of what I had just said, asking the following: “Do I remind you someone you once loved and lost?” I the ran my fingers through his soft curly dark hair and admitted unto him: “It was someone I lost, yes! And someone I desired... and could have come to love, had things gone differently than they did in the end.”
The boy smiled up at me... he was not a tall young man for his head came to my chest. He was quite a bit shorter than he should have been for one who is sixteen years old. He then said: “Sometimes, if you are lucky, you can get a second chance you know.” I began to cry suddenly when he said that and he did dry the tears from my face with his hand just as I had done for him. “Let her go, Mordred! And think of me instead, if I remind you of her. Whomever she was, this ghost who haunts you so. Perhaps when we reach our journey's end... I will be ready to fill for you the void she left within your heart.” I asked him why he kept calling me Mordred. “Galath, my name is Mordra now! Not Mordred.” to which he said to me: “Most of the time yes! But last night, you were very much Mordred.” He winked, and we began to feel our spirits brightening. We got back on our horses after packing everything up and we set forth for the eastern borderlands of Lyonesse once more. Was I falling in love with young Galath? I did not truly know. But if I was, then perhaps it was in a way also a part of my redemption for the sin that I had thus committed upon the Holy Grail so very long ago. For was the young knight not also a blessed child in so many ways? I put these musings from my mind in order to focus upon the task at hand. Ere long, we did reach Lyonesse and as usual the guards at its' border recognized me, and allowed me and my lovely companion to pass. And I did find the boy to be quite lovely! He was troubled, clearly, but so was I. In that, we made for good companions after all. A far cry from how I had imagined this journey would go for us! At first, I had half expected we would kill each other by journey's end. But the opposite was fast becoming true. I was fond of him now! And he was becoming fond of me also. It was a while before we reached the horrid dry wastelands, which had grown worse since last I ventured there. The bones of all manner of animals could be seen in places, and what few places where water could be found before had dried up entirely now. “This place is terrible. Worse than I remember it!” I said, to which Galath said to me: “It is worse than I remember it as well.” We then both looked at each other and my face had upon it a curious expression as I said unto the boy: “Wait a moment! I thought that you had not ever been here before. That is why I decided to lead you hither, since I have been here before.” Then the young knight said in a slightly nervous manner: “I... I did not actually remember the way, but I was here once before when I was much younger. Many, many years ago.” I let it go, figuring his father had taken him perhaps on a pilgrimage to this place, for many regarded the castle in the wasteland as a sacred location. Though the dark druids who call that place home do not like outsiders to visit their dwelling uninvited. I then so had a mind to warn the boy about the druids... and explained that I myself was welcome among them. It would be best, I explained, for him to therefore follow my lead once we got there. He smiled, nodded in agreement, and we rode along across that dreadful desolation, coming at last by the ways I had not tread in a good long time to the great castle which had once been the dwelling place of the Holy Grail. I saw that the surrounding walls were cracked, and falling apart in places, and that the once mighty reinforced gate that was set into those walls was beginning to show signs of the wood rotting. The gate opened far easier now then when last I stood before it and pressed against its' weight to open it. The gardens that so had existed upon the other side of that gate were still beautiful but had grown far more wild and it now appeared that they were for the most part untended by the druids. But they had to have still been being watered, because if anything they thrived too well! Even as untended as they seemed to be. I looked at the white marble bench where it was that I had first met my beloved wife Kundry. I missed her terribly, and longed to return to our home in the Golden Woods to be with her once again. I told Galath as much to which he replied: “I can tell that something about this place troubles you. I too do not wish to be here after all, but we must enter the castle. What I am seeking can only be found within.” I explained to him, however: “Only the ghosts of the past remain within that castle's walls! We should leave this place and seek the Holy Grail elsewhere.” but my companion was adamant, insisting: “You will see! There yet do remain secrets within that castle which no one has discovered. Once we are within, we shall seek them out together and accomplish our noble quest.” He then took my hand and squeezed it tightly... smiling.
We approached the main door of the castle's keep. There was no need for me to seek another entrance this time, and we opened the door, forgoing knocking upon it. It opened readily, and within the castle I was confronted with the labyrinthine passages and rooms which had confounded me the first time that I had ventured therein. Kundry had to lead me through it then. Now, I knew the way rightly enough to be able to lead Galath in the direction of the tower wherein the Holy Grail had once lived. I wanted truly to scream! This was a place that had brought me both my greatest happiness... my wife... and my greatest and most terrible trauma. The guilt born from the Holy Grail's death, which I had caused. There was no longer anyone living there. I could not hear the chanting of the druids, nor the sound of footsteps, nor so much as the squeaking of a mouse. There was the sound of a light wind blowing from outside through a few of the halls and rooms, but otherwise the keep may as well have been in ruins. “This place! It has... changed much... since I walked within these halls. The druids seem to have abandoned it wholly.” I did explain, to which Galath replied: “It may not be wholly abandoned after all, though. We should search, just to know for certain!” He then took the lead, and said that I should follow him... since he knew of a secret way that he remembered from when he had been here himself in the past. We had left our horses tied to a couple of trees back in the gardens, and had taken with us a couple of torches that we lit once we entered the keep due to how dark it now was within. There was no longer any light in this place, for the druids who had kept it lit did not do so anymore. Our torches flickered in the darkness as my young companion led me down stairs after stairs, until we descended deeper and deeper, venturing at last into the keep's under chambers. This was where the dark druids had once held their most private and sacred of rites and rituals. It was empty now, and there looked to be nothing within the chamber at all. It had to it the look of a natural cavern with a few walls made from stone and brick here and there. Some of the walls looked broken, and even here there were signs of long abandonment. I could hear voices suddenly and cautioned Galath to be wary in case there were intruders come to this place in search of riches. In this vacant state, the castle reasonably could be a target for such adventurers. We hid in a corner of the great room as the voices drew nearer and nearer. Ere long, two men walked within and proceeded to be giving the place a thorough looking over. But these were no strangers! It was Peredur and Bors, who so had likely come hither from Camelot on a similar quest to mine and Galath's. Peredur was a tall man of about six feet in height, who had a simple manner... and mind... which gave him a somewhat childlike sort of personality. He was immaculately clean shaven... and his intense blue eyes sparkled a bit in the dim glow of the torch he held in his hand. His hair was blonde, and closely cropped to his head. He had a kind face, and was in general a most kindly man. He wore a short white tunic, a breastplate, and a pair of gray trousers tucked into soft dark gray boots. His leather belt had upon it the scabbard where he did keep his sword. In the hand which did not hold a torch, he grasped a sturdy looking battle ax. He was a muscular man, as well as tall, but his strength was second to his renowned goodness. His companion... Bors... was a big burly bear of a man whom I had often teased and called “Bors the Boar” in the past. A jest that he jovially laughed about himself, more oft than not. Bors had sandy colored hair, that he kept cut very close to his head, a great deal more so than Peredur kept his. He was beginning I noticed to put on a bit of weight since last I saw him, Bors was. He had dark eyes, and wide mouth, and a broad nose that went rather well with his overall large frame and round face. He wore a similar outfit, to Peredur... only his tunic was a dark blue in color and his trousers were dark brown. He clutched a spear in his free hand, and looked about nervously. I called out to the two men as Galath and I walked forward to meet with them. “So, what brings you two boys to this place?” I asked, to which Bors, who oft did most of the talking for he and Peredur both, answered: “Same as you, I'd wager! Looking for the Holy Grail. All the tales, legends, rumors and more point to this being the resting place of it. We had all we could do to follow our noses down this way. The place is a bloody maze!” I explained that Galath said he knew of a secret kept here that he wanted to show me. Galath then thus proceeded towards one of the stone walls.
There, he pressed upon one of the rocks and at the far end of the chamber the sound of stone on stone did resound, as if a stone door was sliding open. We walked into that direction and our torches revealed that there indeed was now an open doorway where none had been a moment ago. “Follow me! I want to show all of you something.” the young boy said, and we followed wherein he led us. We traveled along a short hallway and that led us into an ancient looking throne room. There were two empty thrones on a low dais, and all around the room were stone sarcophagi. There were also alcoves set into every wall in which were more such old stone coffins. There were so many, that it could take some time to count the number of them all! This was clearly a special crypt or a tomb of some kind, I did notice, and there was a somber atmosphere about it. Galath then explained to us the significance of this grim place: “Herein, so lies the final resting place of some of the first maidens to carry within them the ancient bloodline of Jesus... of Jesus the Christ. They are all my ancestors! I am not actually the blood child of the princess Elaine of Corbenic and her lover Llwch Lleminawg. They are my adopted parents only, and now I shall relate unto you all the truth of who it is that I truly am. When I was twelve years old, I did suffer a truly horrible fate far worse than death when I lived within this castle, in one of its' towers where I had taken my rightful place as the most recent maiden in this most holy lineage. This thing I suffered drove me to cast myself from the window of the tower, to my death. But the dark druids who were my guardians did do a very wise thing! They brought me to the Sisterhood of Avalon, where they told everyone I was now to be laid to rest there... rather than here. But the sisterhood know of a way to cross into the other world of the ancient gods and goddesses of the land... and, in that place they sought out divine help. I was thus resurrected from the dead, by the power of those deities, which altered forever my understanding of the nature of things in this world. I now realized, that there was not just one almighty deity ruling over all... and that the divinities of old were not the fallen ones that some claim them to be. There was more than I had ever imagined possible to the universe all around us! And there are universes even beyond the one we live within. If what I say sounds strange, please forgive me! I speak the truth, however, no matter if it sounds strange to hear me say it. A side effect of my resurrection... was that it aged my body up to my sixteenth year of age. I did not linger long in the other world after that, for time flows strangely there... and I had no wish to be changed further than I already had been by that place. Thus did I decided to so emerge from there and try to figure out what next to do with my life. I remained with the priestesses at Avalon for I know not how long, but it was long enough to discover that my body no longer aged at all. For in order to resurrect me from the dead, a part of what was done involved me being given the purest blood of the ancient Elvish folk, who still dwell in the part of the other world that is called Faerie. Thus do I now age as slowly as did the Fair Folk of old. At some point, I set forth from Avalon to seek out on the advice of the priestesses the kingdom of Corbenic, where I was to tell the princess Elaine all that so had befallen me. When I got there, I did as they had so bid me and Elaine took pity on me and did adopt me... to present me to all the world as if I was her own blood daughter. That is the reason why, when it was that Llwch Lleminawg fell in love with the princess and pledged to marry her, he also did to please her regard me also as his blood child. Noticing that I was, as he put it, 'strong in body, will, and mind as well, and of an honorable and goodly nature' he suggested that I would make a good knight in service to Arthur, whom he himself served. And so... I did disguise myself, however poorly perhaps, as a man and in the attire of a man I ventured to Camelot where I became a knight. Llwch Lleminawg, chose to come with me to Camelot, where he vouched for me so that the High King would see the worth in knighting me. Naturally, he made me out to be the greatest knight in the entire kingdom, which amused Arthur a great deal I think. He never returned to Corbenic again, though often I would visit Elaine there... for in a way, she was my mother after all. She seemed sadder and sadder each time, and by the time of my last visit she was on her deathbed, and perished from a broken heart. You all know of my history as one of Arthur's knights, and now you know what befell me before becoming one. My actual name, is Judith.”
It was her, it was the woman I had caused the death of countless years before... now eternally, or close enough thereto, a sixteen year old girl. As the Holy Grail, she had known Arthur, but that was when she was still a little girl, rather than the teenage boy she presented herself as to him when she was knighted. She should have been so very much older by then... and would have been had she lived and not been by divine magic resurrected in the way that she was. None one would even guess her true identity, for it so defied all the logic and reason of this world. But she was of this world no longer! I still remembered all that she had revealed unto me. Arthur had the holy blood within him, and I carried it too. We were all in various ways blood kindred! I waited... and Judith revealed this fact to the other two knights next. After so doing this, she bade Peredur and Bors to go back through the secret door and to wait for she and I to catch up with them. They did as she asked and I remained with her in the throne room. There, she took me by the hand again and we sat together on the dais next to each other... holding hands as might lovers who had not seen each other in many years. She let my hand go and removed her belt and also her tunic so that she could unlace the front of her blouse. I so saw that she wore a tightly wrapped cloth about her chest, and after taking off her blouse she undid that cloth... which had been binding her otherwise very beautifully shaped breasts. I could not help but stare at them approvingly, which caused Judith to smile. She put her blouse back on and laced it up again after that. Then she said, still smiling: “You have truly changed so much, Mordred... and yet so little! I forgive you for what happened all those years ago. We both have become someone else since then, it seems. Over the course of our journey, I have learned to stop hating you and to see the good in you... and I think I may even be able to admit that I love you for that goodness. How do you feel about me, after all this?” I then began to cry, and admitted to her: “It is hard for me to see you again, here in this place, after what passed between us in that tower. But it feels so good also! Because you live, and the guilt I felt over your death can now be banished from me. Also, I too have come to love you during our journey, more than I had at first expected I would. I loved you... even back when I had hurt you so terribly... I just allowed my lust to rule me more than my heart. And I think I may have been somewhat mad at the time as well. I was not truly acting like myself at all. That you forgive me, and are willing to trust me even after all that, it brings such joy to my heart and that is why I am crying. Not from sorrow!” she then dried my tears again with her hand. Her soft, soft hand... and she leaned forward and kissed me passionately, our lips meeting. After that... she asked me to hold her close, and she let me caress her breasts, and to feel her between her legs, finally. When she became excited enough, we removed our clothes and made love together, caring not if the two knights could so hear us from down the hallway and out the secret door. After a couple of pleasant hours spent thus, we got dressed again, and Judith brought me out of that place. Following our time in that castle, she and I, in the company of Peredur and Bors, set out for the island of Sarras, which had fallen into darkness and evil. It was reached by way of that ship which was falsely claimed to have belonged to King Solomon... and once we got there, we brought order to the troubled island once again. We remained there for a year during which time we ruled over the island, in the name of the High King. At that year's end, we named four of the noblest of all the folk of that island to rule over it in our place. Following that, we did leave the island and began to journey back to Camelot once more. As we rode along the road thereto, we did chance to spy a hooded figure dressed all in black standing before us. He gestured for us to stop, and we did so in order to see what he had to say. I recognized when he spoke that he was the ancient god of the dead, Arawn. He told us that Judith's time in the mortal world was so at an end, and in payment for her resurrection she needed to go back to the other world once more... there, to dwell forever. She agreed to his terms, and she and I both got off our steeds in order to embrace and kiss one final time. “Will I ever see you again?” I asked her. “Well, it is not like I am dying a second time!” she jested. Arawn, then did open a portal out of thin air... there in the middle of the road. Judith passed through it, and he followed. So shocked was Peredur on witnessing this, that he died. Bors and I brought his body back to Camelot.
Published 18th Dec 2022
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