Canvas

you liked pushing me
exploring me in play
it was an intersting, cerebral sport for you
a yang
to the yin
of my deep emotions
I'd finally gotten good
-better anyway- 
at containing them
(no more sobbing like in 2008)

last year 
we reconnected
just for coffee
midway
a casual meeting
lasting longer than expected
surprisingly easy 
(I wasn't expecting much)
culminating
with an unexpected gift

"Come to my place for a weekend soon."

the moment you said that
my wedge sandals
heels a little too high
barely mired me to the sidewalk
waves of magic
- I could almost see them-
rippled over me
everything swayed
just the tiniest bit
including me
no,
actually
i swayed a lot

In those few seconds
I held a fortune

four years earlier
you'd suddenly contacted me
you were surprised by my willingness
to see you again

or even talk to you

so was I
but not really
even though i was in
a happy-enough relationship
even though the risk
was not a sensible one
even though i'd told myself
i didn't like you anymore
and that you'd been cold and cruel to me
not seeing you
wasn't a choice

for seven years prior
we'd had no contact
you were with your forever love
perhaps idly thinking about me 
a few times a year

i'd sometimes go days
without thinking of you

never a week

early 2018
i was still in the Northwest
we decided to meet in California

In a cab
making it's way through downtown LA 
there's pleasant conversation
interesting sights

in a moment of intrepidation
or loss of control
i put my hand over yours
tracing a little circle with my finger

communicating

surprisingly
you accepted my hand
like a wanted gift
like something
you would have picked out for yourself

you communicated back
little squeezes
lightly smoothing my skin
holding firmly
like you meant it
like you wanted
to be connected to me

we walked from Venice Beach
to Santa Monica
hand in hand
a perfect fit
you mired me
while letting me fly
just a little
just off the ground
just enough
though i wanted
to soar over the ocean

after that LA visit
for three years

there was an ice age

in the past year
we've had several visits
always at your place
because you don't like my city
or perhaps me
all that much

other than the boring drive to
and the wrenching drive home
I liked coming to you
I iked how you live
sunrises in the mornings
sunsets over the mountains
evening drawing near
with promises of constellations
chilly air
bonfires

In between those natural cycles
dawn and dusk
I'd submit to you
implicit trust
a turn on in itself
I knew you'd watch out for me
take care of me
while you performed acts
of thrilling
measured cruelty

sometimes you'd even take care of me afterwards
though it was usually me
taking care of you
massaging your callused feet
oblivious to time
ministering to you
happily
gratefully
a bit loopy
subspace high
life
temporarily good

i'm speaking about you
in past tense
on the fulcrum
of uncertainty

what i want
is to be writing a poem
years from now
about how i didn't almost see the magic

i saw it for real

I'll swear I did

i could paint it for you