Wendy Suicide

I've always found my name a bit funny
Wendy Sue
kind of farm girl-ish
not former city sophisticate of priviledge
who was supposed to be rich all her life
but now works 50 plus hour weeks
with constant stress
and financial worry
 
thoughts of suicide have a dark, greasy romance
ew, not sure where that came from
but they are romantic ideed
it's like one is leaving for an exotic journey
that even the most competitive traveler can't top
(I once saw a great title from The Onion: Six Day Visit to Remote African Village Forever Changes woman's Facebook profile)
 
just a thought:
how many people would travel
if they couldn't take a single picture
if they couldn't tell anyone they'd gone?
 
Suicide is kind of like that
suicide is like booking a trip to the other side
or outer space
maybe they are the same thing
it's like the end of the world
or just a change of locale
it's vengeful
cruel
selfish
losery
ungrateful
how's She returned her gift
as a euphemism for suicide?
i like it
 
want to be modern and politically correct?
say she died by suicide
not she commited suicide
it's not a crime
just a choice
 
don't get me wrong
i like life
i like it a lot
but that's part of the problem
i want to fly
and there's just so much damn gravity
i'm sick of being mired
my imagination
is dangerously phenomenal
 
i'm tortured by what i want
by who i want
by what i want to be
and by how much time has passed
though i rarely admit the last part
 
i want my suicide to be jaunty
fun!
i'm depressed  
but not morose
i've done the research
i'm just way too much of a princess
for the traditonal methods
 
my method will be helium
takes about 20 minutes
-so much time to change one's mind!-
 
maybe that's not the best way after all
 
now for the mean part of suicide:
leaving a list of names!
hey YOU  
YOU had something to do with it
go ahead and feel guilty even if it's not really your fault
isn't that awful?
I even want to list one of my students
a 12 year old child
who shakes her head sadly at me
like i'm just too old and stupid for belief
(my perception anyway, but perception is everything)
 
you'll probably think less of me because of this poem
 
go ahead
 
suicide
 
is spiritual bankruptcy
 
a fresh start!
 
so it won't matter
 
suicide sucks
i lost a very close friend to it
12 years ago
the loss was a special kind of hell
 
but i understand now
 
there are a couple of things
in my way
deplaying my macabre vacation
 
my 12 year old cat
whom i adore
she's the most snuggly lap cat one could wish for
she also bites visciously  
though she's mellowed with age
so it's less than once a year now
she has a criminal record
well, sort of
for biting a groomer through her fingernail
sending her to the emergency room
 
how do you rehome a cat like that?
i would be tormented in hell forever
if i just dropped her off at the Humane Society
 
Also, i'm supposed to see The Eagles  
with my sister in Portland
in February
we didn't get along as adults
until about four years ago
this concert is a celebration
kind of like our trip to Sedona was  
this summer
we got along the whole time!

there's also my 88 year old mom
who asks me what i do
everytime i talk to her
then says "A teacher!
i'm proud of you honey"
she still knows who i am
still knows who her adored partner of six years is
she looked at a picture two weeks ago of my father,  
her husband of over 50 years
and said i don't know who that guy is
does she need me?
 
yes
 
so i can't go
 
and i can't fly
 
 
all i can do is write poems
 
and do the work to improve aspects of my life
 
Ugh
 
 
writing poems is easier