Bolder Boulder

I don't understand it, and yet I do,
I don't know if it's only me, or also you,
It happened the moment I first saw you,
And has only grown every time I've been around you.
My self seems to know just what to do
For it does it without mental input, around you,
I need not think about it and it happens,
My heartbeat and breath quicken,
At the sight of your vision.
My self seems to know not what to do,
I freeze up, when I look at you,
And when you look at me too.
My heart is lacerated, and my brain is black and blue,
I'm bleeding out my feelings for you
And thinking often about you,
Beating myself up over any little mistakes around you,
And worried about the worst case scenarios
That are probably actually noes,
Probably won't even happen,
And thats where my pen comes in,
And you don't even see any of it,
Not one little speck of it
(At least, I think so, you haven't said anything),
Because I've hidden everything
Behind a wall I'm trying to climb,
With every word, and every rhyme,
And every action, and word to you,
I try to interact with, or around you.
I also don't want to scare you off,
So I continually back off.
It's so hard to get the courage to speak or even wave to you,
That when I do, it's even harder to hold back,
It's like Sisyphus rolling the boulder,
Half of me is getting bolder,
But I must let that boulder go sometimes,
Or I'll look like I'm trying too hard, all times,
Half of me is rolling the anxiety boulder
And when it falls again,
I falter again.
I wonder how much of me you really see,
Do you see my mask, or through to my true me?
I'm trying not to hold this mask up too well,
I'd like you to see I'm vulnerable as well,
I'm human too,
Just like you.
What do you think of me?
Do you ever think of me?
I'm dying to know,
But not that you'd ever know.