dreaming in woven fibers

I try to remake myself
in imaginary ways
like the illusion
will strip away the dreary panic
of this reality that never lets me
find sure footing

I used to be an adventure in motion
I lived for the chaos of a day unexplored
I was always a walk, a bus trip
a train ride away from something new

Now I find it hard to walk out my front door
as though the tendrils of what took her
will find me and drag me down a path
that's not mine to live
because I know these memories
aren't a prophecy
they're just demons disguised as shadows
that whisper convincing lies
when my heart is cracked open
and hasn't figured out
how to heal

I nearly crashed my car last week
and the experience of being millimeters
away from death didn't make me want
to live more
it just reinforced that I don't want to die
and that this world is
an unpredictable and scary place
that I don't know how to live in
without fear

I spent a week on Valium before
I could get back in the car
and drive past my not grave stone
on the side of the highway
reminding me of what could have been

I try to remake myself
in imaginary ways
like a new outfit will undo
all the ways I'm broken inside
but when I dress up
all I find is that I'm still broken
in pristine new clothes
that I might be too scared
to wear outside anyway

 © Indie Adams 2022