The Ice Queen and Automaton Monkey

I can’t go back
So let me run far away from here
And find you in new faces, new places
Like body parts rearranged
Into some new kind of Frankenstein
That don’t add up to make a whole
My automaton monkey
From a long line of failed kings
An apple for your happiness
Though it never was for mine.

Let me be damaged
The Ice Queen at heart
While the violence inside has me
Wanting to stab myself in retribution
For all my sins, all my crimes against love
When I know I wouldn’t change a thing.
And I wear the secret scars of us, with pride
That I touched something beautiful
If only once in my lifetime, because better once
Than a life in the magnification of nothing.

And I know I can never go back
Now that all the bottles
Are standing empty and upside down
The amber lights staring out at nothing
While I keep them switched off
The memories of wonderland
Still fresh in my mind
With the dreams of totaling some else’s car
Just so I wouldn’t have to come back here
Alone.

And all our bruising is on the inside
Though sometimes I like to punch myself
From the inside out as a reminder
Unable to let go of the way you haunt me.
And I’m learning to fly with damaged wings
Stumbling around
Making a mess of my head again
Trying to find the easy way out
The easy way down
And out of my own mind
Away from you.  

So let me run far away from here
From you and these memories
We both know I’ll never escape
Because I know, in all honesty, that
I’m right where I belong
And it could be a while before we come home
If we live long enough to wipe
The shit of our lives on the doormat
And say that word we never
Should have contemplated to begin with.

If not, a girl can always dream
Of an automaton monkey
With a fearless tattoo
While she packs her heart again
With ice and reality
Face turned to the sun
And away from the if only’s.

© Indie Adams 2012