I should Have Been More

The air is icy
I normally shrug off the cold
in my hot blooded tattooed up
testosterone fuelled body
but I’ve taken damage this year
 
it’s like all the times I should have died
in the pubs and clubs
the fights and fury  
the reckless drug addled youth
have caught up to me all at once
 
as I move  
the  
air
burns a little  
like every shattered lover
has sent their sadness  
through the ether to hover  
over me
cry cold tears
on my exposed skin
 
I want to set fire to the air
to myself
so I can feel the heat of your
words speaking to me again
 
but no  
 
that’s the most reckless  
thing I can do
 
I’ve never felt this vulnerable
never felt so weak
so utterly not myself
never wanted to cradle
another person in my arms
crush them to me  
absorb the hurt as osmosis
take it all in
 
let them walk away
while I wallow in the sorrow
take every wound  
for them
walk away when I’ve healed
 
but today  
I feel small
feel weak
fragile as my own ego