this is what my depression looks like

I showered today
for the first time
in a week
because I was tired
of my own body odor
and looking like an
oversized scarecrow
with birds nest hair

It took five minutes
and some swearing
to brush the
baby dreadlocks out

I washed the dishes
vacuumed the floor
and binged watched
at least 3 TV shows
before I was able
to get off the couch
to do even the bare
minimum of self care
and house work

But I also reasoned
it's not your job
to look out for me
it's not your job
to save me from myself
when I'm dying on the inside
with the culmination
of too many things
rattling around in my head
and no way to ease the pressure
off my psyche

I'm so tired of being tired
of losing the strength
to drag my unwashed body
out bed for myself
but somehow managing it
for everyone else

And that's what
my depression looks like
couch cushions, decaf
forgetting to take care of myself

If I didn't have
someone else to feed
I might not have eaten today
I might not have gotten out of bed
or brushed my hair
of cared if the dishes got done
or if there were clean clothes
to pull off the washing line

When the darkness wears
me like a puppet with cut strings
weighted down with cement
some days the small things
are the biggest wins

© Indie Adams 2022