Ghosts of Passed Moments, Interlaced With Now

I'm bleeding nightmares
from my right eye
as I stare at the state life has brought
to once powerful fingers
 
few men in my life have scared me,
fewer still have I respected,
respected in an earnest attempt to emulate what I believe
masculinity should be
 
even though I knew you were broken
there was strength in insanity
because you strode like a giant
bellowed war chants at 4am
slamming shelves through screaming blades
throwing boards around most normal men struggled to lift  
threw them as if they were nothing more than playthings
 
shaking your hand was akin to holding
cinder blocks that had come to life...
 
I never expected to be cleaning your shit
off of piss stained sheets
rolling you around a mattress
waiting to see your hollowed memories
 
watching you,
you who used to stride staircases with
mirrored panels that took 3 normal people to lift
struggle with a cup of water
struggle to brush your teeth
 
I hated you
I hate you
somewhere  
I love you
 
I'm not someone who's often conflicted
but this twisted knot in my gut
is…

I stare as you take in every shallow
harrowing breath  
remember the best and worst of you
see past the flaws
realise you're human
flesh and blood
and finite