EMOTALING

EMOTALING
|I’mōdƏI| emote + spiral

So many boxes
Reaching all the way to the
End of the driveway
Like a house of cards
Spiraling up into the blue sky
I feel
I think
I judge
Myself all at once
Paintballs pow pow pow
Into my neck
My cheek
My skin
My chest
Where it hurts the most
I cannot move
Anymore
My bones are frozen
My muscles tense
I’m at a standstill
The suspense is intense
The more I think about it
Move boxes like a puzzle, make them fit
The more my bones become stones
Refusing to bend, to walk around it
The feelings pile up on one another
Running up the ramp but standing still
What happened to my lover
His words came fast and loose
Maybe even
Knocked out a tooth
I feel
I think
I judge
I second guess my decision
Maybe seven times at best
And every feeling
Sends me reeling
But my legs, full stop
The emotions have lassoed in
Pulling my thoughts up tight
Knot upon knot
Until I know not
If I made the right conclusion
Or not, maybe just a temporary resolution
I run
I stop
I hesitate
Isn’t there anyone who can
Calculate
Retrace my steps and not
Hyperventilate
Put my heart back in my chest
So I can finally feel some rest
My breath is coming labored now
Too many boxes left to take
I turn and look him in the eye
Big brown eyes that used to cry
Throwing sparks
Ignite the parts
Of me that run and hide
Usually
But now instead
They stand, take root
While judgements fire off
Rapid succession, making me cough
Catch my breath and search for soft
Places to land as I fall all the way down
Realizing the hot pavement
Melted my shoes
I think
I feel
I judge
Everything I’ve ever said, ever done
And then I do it all again
Tightening the noose
Not letting feelings loose
Immobile at the start
Heart fluttering, stop and restart
Each butterfly wing
Touching another feeling
And everything
Everything
Just keep spiraling