deepundergroundpoetry.com
Chance
Hey you!
Yes you!
Take a roll of this dice
And depending on where it lands
You could end up on this side of the tracks or the other
Just put your fate on this roll
Oh who cares about equality
If you win you win big
Who doesn't like that type of risk?
Come on now
Put your soul on the line
Look at them they've won before
Come on now
Pit your happiness on the line
Throw it high
Or even to the side
It doesn't matter
Just make sure you play this game
For this is the game of life
Yes you!
Take a roll of this dice
And depending on where it lands
You could end up on this side of the tracks or the other
Just put your fate on this roll
Oh who cares about equality
If you win you win big
Who doesn't like that type of risk?
Come on now
Put your soul on the line
Look at them they've won before
Come on now
Pit your happiness on the line
Throw it high
Or even to the side
It doesn't matter
Just make sure you play this game
For this is the game of life
Published 27th Apr 2022
| Edited 30th Apr 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
27th Apr 2022 10:21pm
sanbonani bra mandla
Ha the imagery here.. I could see the guys at the rank with a long pinkie nail and a box and two dice.. click and roll. Lovely images.
Your message here is solid and raw. Thanks for that.
Notes...
S2 - L2 "about"
S4 - L3 "put"
...
The thing I was thinking when I read it was can we make it flow like the die in the game?
I was thinking maybe if you took the reader to the image quicker it may do the...
Like by dropping the first line to three sylables then pushing l2 to 5 THEN 3 again etc.. see something along the lines of
come on now
roll this dice
deciding your fate
on the tracks
this side or that side
no argument
of equality
you can win
you can win really big
like them
who won before
happiness is dependable
come on now
roll that dice
Play the game called life
Just an idea...
(My honest critique is just a opinion from the heart, use it don't use it. Either way won't mater.)
Sharp
Al
Ha the imagery here.. I could see the guys at the rank with a long pinkie nail and a box and two dice.. click and roll. Lovely images.
Your message here is solid and raw. Thanks for that.
Notes...
S2 - L2 "about"
S4 - L3 "put"
...
The thing I was thinking when I read it was can we make it flow like the die in the game?
I was thinking maybe if you took the reader to the image quicker it may do the...
Like by dropping the first line to three sylables then pushing l2 to 5 THEN 3 again etc.. see something along the lines of
come on now
roll this dice
deciding your fate
on the tracks
this side or that side
no argument
of equality
you can win
you can win really big
like them
who won before
happiness is dependable
come on now
roll that dice
Play the game called life
Just an idea...
(My honest critique is just a opinion from the heart, use it don't use it. Either way won't mater.)
Sharp
Al
30th Apr 2022 7:20am
Hi Al
Thank you so much for taking the time to make so many notes. I really appreciate it.
Before I forget Sawubona (single/speaking to one person) San'bonani (plural/to 2 or more).
Now I'm not going to edit the poem on here. I genuinely like the notes you have added and believe the first and correction should be seen side by side. I like the two.
Thank you
Thank you so much for taking the time to make so many notes. I really appreciate it.
Before I forget Sawubona (single/speaking to one person) San'bonani (plural/to 2 or more).
Now I'm not going to edit the poem on here. I genuinely like the notes you have added and believe the first and correction should be seen side by side. I like the two.
Thank you
30th Apr 2022 7:54am
Awe!
Thank you so much for the corrections on dialect.
There are so many lovely languages in the world and I absolutely love learning the correct words!
Thank you!
I really love that poem and it reads beautifully either way.
Stay well brother.
P.S. how bad are these floods. My word crying crocodile tears for those people.
Thank you so much for the corrections on dialect.
There are so many lovely languages in the world and I absolutely love learning the correct words!
Thank you!
I really love that poem and it reads beautifully either way.
Stay well brother.
P.S. how bad are these floods. My word crying crocodile tears for those people.
1st May 2022 7:46am
Languages have always kicked my ass. I've met some people who pick them up really quickly then there's me who could forget it right after it was taught to me.
Then again I take to things like Math quicker than most. So I guess it's a give and take. Left Brain/Right Brain Theory.
Then again I take to things like Math quicker than most. So I guess it's a give and take. Left Brain/Right Brain Theory.
