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How to be an Eavesdropper
"It's the quiet ones you have to watch!"
I've heard said before
and there's a kernel of truth there.
Though shy and inhibited,
I treat life as one long lesson
and have picked up an unexpected skill:
Eavesdropping! I'm very good at it.
A reserved personality helps,
but is not essential.
To really succeed,
a book or newspaper makes a great prop.
You can pretend to read avidly;
even move your eyes
and turn pages periodically,
while straining your ears
to pick up every word.
Ideal locations include trains and restaurants,
where the speaker has a captive audience,
although shops and playgrounds work well too.
I struggle to comprehend
the personality type
that shouts about their business in public
for all to hear.
Not everybody shouts,
but I hear them all the same.
This quiet red-haired bookworm in the corner
has been privy to arguments, slanging matches,
pregnancy announcements,
threats of divorce
and reunions between estranged relatives;
the business of strangers largely inconsequential
as our paths never cross again.
Most memorable are the announcements
ranging from absurd to hilarious:
the threats of litigation
due to a TV dismantled into pieces on a shop floor
which had a whole train coach laughing.
Tears of laughter streamed down my cheeks,
coat sleeve stuffed in mouth to stifle the giggles
as the protagonist shouted down his cellphone,
becoming more and more irate.
Then there was the young man
who earnestly declared his undying love for a town
and his desire to "get a tattoo of it"
after living there for two months.
I have it on good authority
that the town's weed
is supplied by white guys,
because the black guys are all clean.
And if you ask after the health of a neighbour
you will be treated to gossip
about the neighbour's neighbour,
and her nephew,
and her grandad,
and his dog.
Part of the appeal
is in doing something that seems wrong
while behaving as though I'm not.
Is it wrong?
I'm not sure...
I've always said
that if people share this stuff in public,
they shouldn't be surprised
to be overheard.
It just so happens that I'm a writer
and they unwittingly just provided
fodder for my art!
I've heard said before
and there's a kernel of truth there.
Though shy and inhibited,
I treat life as one long lesson
and have picked up an unexpected skill:
Eavesdropping! I'm very good at it.
A reserved personality helps,
but is not essential.
To really succeed,
a book or newspaper makes a great prop.
You can pretend to read avidly;
even move your eyes
and turn pages periodically,
while straining your ears
to pick up every word.
Ideal locations include trains and restaurants,
where the speaker has a captive audience,
although shops and playgrounds work well too.
I struggle to comprehend
the personality type
that shouts about their business in public
for all to hear.
Not everybody shouts,
but I hear them all the same.
This quiet red-haired bookworm in the corner
has been privy to arguments, slanging matches,
pregnancy announcements,
threats of divorce
and reunions between estranged relatives;
the business of strangers largely inconsequential
as our paths never cross again.
Most memorable are the announcements
ranging from absurd to hilarious:
the threats of litigation
due to a TV dismantled into pieces on a shop floor
which had a whole train coach laughing.
Tears of laughter streamed down my cheeks,
coat sleeve stuffed in mouth to stifle the giggles
as the protagonist shouted down his cellphone,
becoming more and more irate.
Then there was the young man
who earnestly declared his undying love for a town
and his desire to "get a tattoo of it"
after living there for two months.
I have it on good authority
that the town's weed
is supplied by white guys,
because the black guys are all clean.
And if you ask after the health of a neighbour
you will be treated to gossip
about the neighbour's neighbour,
and her nephew,
and her grandad,
and his dog.
Part of the appeal
is in doing something that seems wrong
while behaving as though I'm not.
Is it wrong?
I'm not sure...
I've always said
that if people share this stuff in public,
they shouldn't be surprised
to be overheard.
It just so happens that I'm a writer
and they unwittingly just provided
fodder for my art!
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