deepundergroundpoetry.com
Echoes of thunder
The sky is so dark that I can barely see what's in front of me
and the air smells of thunder
I can feel it approaching more than I can see or hear it
but I know it's there
so I wait...
as a shiver tingles my skin in anticipation
And I am rewarded with the sound of the first boom
strong and defiant, ready to wreak havoc
Ready to pierce through me with the truth it brings
It's nighttime, the sky is violent
And I ache as thunder echoes all around me
I ache for the past and for the future
I don't know which I want more
To relive my memories and feel like a child once more
Or to be in the future when all is well and this time has long passed
and the air smells of thunder
I can feel it approaching more than I can see or hear it
but I know it's there
so I wait...
as a shiver tingles my skin in anticipation
And I am rewarded with the sound of the first boom
strong and defiant, ready to wreak havoc
Ready to pierce through me with the truth it brings
It's nighttime, the sky is violent
And I ache as thunder echoes all around me
I ache for the past and for the future
I don't know which I want more
To relive my memories and feel like a child once more
Or to be in the future when all is well and this time has long passed
Published 23rd Mar 2022
| Edited 25th Mar 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 262
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Hello
Thank you for writing this Poem. It allows another voice to a very real thing!
In terms of review...
I found the poem comforting, and I'm aware it wasn't written with that intention, but see the word choice and rhythm allows it to be almost meditational in it's read.
The title is perfect! that echoing of thunder in our heads when [it] hits from the side is both daunting and scary. Nicely thought out is all I can think to say about it.
I've always felt that poetry that fills the senses is poignant, I was recently doing a reading at a school and one of the students mentioned a poem that was their favorite, when we unpacked it, it had reference to sight, touch, taste, sound and smell... The reason I bring that up is the masterful way you fill the senses in your opening 3 lines of your poem.
" The sky is so dark that I can barely see what's in front of me
and the air smells of thunder
I can feel it approaching more than I can see or hear " referencing sight, touch, smell, sound
so early in the write, makes it just pull a reader into the write, I found it made me part of the experience.
I was wondering how you felt about editing some of the used words... for example...
I can feel it approaching more than I can see or hear it ----> we have I here twice and again the line below...
but I know it's there ----> the smaller used words like but, it's, so, as slow your flow a tad
so I wait...
as a shiver tingles my skin in anticipation
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------so I wondered what you thought of...
feeling it approaching
more than it can be seen or heard
knowing it's there
waiting...
as a shiver tingles my skin in anticipation
----------------------------------------------------------------------
And I am rewarded with the sound of the first boom -----------------> I wondered about the "and's
strong and defiant, ready to wreak havoc
Ready to pierce through me with the truth it brings
It's nighttime, the sky is violent
And I ache as thunder echoes all around me
------------------------------------------------------------------------- "wasn't sure how felt about...
Rewarded with the sound of the first boom
strong and defiant, wreaking havoc
piercing through me with the truth it brings
It's nighttime, the sky is violent
I ache as thunder echoes all around me
----------------------------------------------------------------------- and continuing the idea...
Aching for the past and future
not knowing which I want more
reliving my memories,
feeling like a child once more
Or being in the future when all is well
when this time has long passed
----------------------------------------------------------
I found this poem tender and kind
A few extra images wouldn't kill it, but actually it's a lovely emotive piece and it has an air of real life lived about it.
Well done on this one!
Thank you for the read & thank you for reading my "honest critique" which is just an opinion that I hope is of some kind of value to you.
Also, there are many of us in the world and using poetry to express and share is very kind of you! Thank YOU!
Al
Thank you for writing this Poem. It allows another voice to a very real thing!
In terms of review...
I found the poem comforting, and I'm aware it wasn't written with that intention, but see the word choice and rhythm allows it to be almost meditational in it's read.
The title is perfect! that echoing of thunder in our heads when [it] hits from the side is both daunting and scary. Nicely thought out is all I can think to say about it.
I've always felt that poetry that fills the senses is poignant, I was recently doing a reading at a school and one of the students mentioned a poem that was their favorite, when we unpacked it, it had reference to sight, touch, taste, sound and smell... The reason I bring that up is the masterful way you fill the senses in your opening 3 lines of your poem.
" The sky is so dark that I can barely see what's in front of me
and the air smells of thunder
I can feel it approaching more than I can see or hear " referencing sight, touch, smell, sound
so early in the write, makes it just pull a reader into the write, I found it made me part of the experience.
I was wondering how you felt about editing some of the used words... for example...
I can feel it approaching more than I can see or hear it ----> we have I here twice and again the line below...
but I know it's there ----> the smaller used words like but, it's, so, as slow your flow a tad
so I wait...
as a shiver tingles my skin in anticipation
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------so I wondered what you thought of...
feeling it approaching
more than it can be seen or heard
knowing it's there
waiting...
as a shiver tingles my skin in anticipation
----------------------------------------------------------------------
And I am rewarded with the sound of the first boom -----------------> I wondered about the "and's
strong and defiant, ready to wreak havoc
Ready to pierce through me with the truth it brings
It's nighttime, the sky is violent
And I ache as thunder echoes all around me
------------------------------------------------------------------------- "wasn't sure how felt about...
Rewarded with the sound of the first boom
strong and defiant, wreaking havoc
piercing through me with the truth it brings
It's nighttime, the sky is violent
I ache as thunder echoes all around me
----------------------------------------------------------------------- and continuing the idea...
Aching for the past and future
not knowing which I want more
reliving my memories,
feeling like a child once more
Or being in the future when all is well
when this time has long passed
----------------------------------------------------------
I found this poem tender and kind
A few extra images wouldn't kill it, but actually it's a lovely emotive piece and it has an air of real life lived about it.
Well done on this one!
Thank you for the read & thank you for reading my "honest critique" which is just an opinion that I hope is of some kind of value to you.
Also, there are many of us in the world and using poetry to express and share is very kind of you! Thank YOU!
Al
25th Mar 2022 6:15pm
Hello, Al, thank you for your kind review. I appreciate that you took the time to write me in such detail.
I agree with you that my use of words like 'and, but, so, it's' ect slow down the poem and are most likely excessive-- having said that I wanted to write a poem that had a certain languidness to it even if it was short, so I hope that I achieved that.
I find that slowing down the pace helps immerse the reader into the experience. But that's just my personal opinion and I'm no expert :P
I'm glad you found the poem comforting. In all honesty, it comforts me too. There's a certain stillness to it even though the poem is about a violent storm.
Anyway, that's all I had to say. Thank you again for the comment and good luck with writing :D
I agree with you that my use of words like 'and, but, so, it's' ect slow down the poem and are most likely excessive-- having said that I wanted to write a poem that had a certain languidness to it even if it was short, so I hope that I achieved that.
I find that slowing down the pace helps immerse the reader into the experience. But that's just my personal opinion and I'm no expert :P
I'm glad you found the poem comforting. In all honesty, it comforts me too. There's a certain stillness to it even though the poem is about a violent storm.
Anyway, that's all I had to say. Thank you again for the comment and good luck with writing :D
