choking on every word I ever said

A moment of horror
Is realizing one of my biggest idols
In younger years
Did her makeup with the infamous "raccoon eyes" for a reason:
The same reason she was so skinny
And the same reason her music
Was so deliciously dark.

The poems I read with my young eyes
Were those of junkies,
And I saw nothing but a beautifully broken soul
Bleeding into their words
With such intensity
That it snatched me onto the page with it.

Now the only person I feel comfortable showing my dark side to
Is one of the same
And I am slowly losing hope
With each painful blow from life
As it's been going.
Who can I run to instead of the thing that's killing me?
And why does this man cling to me as though
He would melt into my skin?
He is not the person I met that once pleaded with me
Not to follow him into his hell.

What kind of stupid am I?