Through Your Eyes

I imagine the endless questions
that have no satisfactory answer
when days turn into weeks
that you've not seen my face.

I see the look of hurt on your face,
the crestfallen expression
that takes over your pretty face
as excitement fades to disappointment
when I am late to show
or never show at all.

I imagine the chemicals in your brain
wiring themselves into a rollercoaster
of hopes up and fulfillment,
descending into a chasm of emptiness
and despair become all too familiar,
when the pattern I've created
repeats itself yet again

I face the way your eyes stare at the floor
with your childishly innocent words,
telling me of all the hurts
I never wanted to be yours
when you shut down at the sight of me
after I come back,
hanging my head in shame
for failing you yet again

I anxiously dread the day
the damage I've done becomes
the reason you don't know how to love
or let love in,
destroying yourself in ways
I once romanticized in myself
that I never want you to suffer.

I feel your faith fading in me,
yet you squeeze me tight
and tell me I'm the best mama ever,
when my empty hands,
full of love and bad habits,
embrace you with my heart swelling
in such moments that leave me
feeling both fulfilled
and hopelessly unworthy.

I am at your mercy
and you at mine:
fates intertwined from the womb
to the grave,
marked by pinky promises
binding as a blood oath,
speaking of my duty to be your anchor,
lighthouse, teacher, defender,
comforter,
whatever the hand dealt may call.

I know no one will believe me
Until I make it reality,
So I hope and pray
I will find a way
Before all hope is lost
And I am nothing more than a corpse to you
Carrying on yet another generation
Of my mother's demons
Brought to life.