To the Father of my Child

Almost five years have gone by, and we've been through so much. Our daughter is growing so fast, and she is so beautiful in every way. I can't believe there was ever a time I didn't want to be a mother. My emotions are so confusing to me these days with all that has happened. I feel as if someone else hijacked my life and ruined it, but that someone was me.

The feelings bubbling up now after all this time are too little, too late. I'm not even sure what to make of them. I am dying to tell you everything I have finally learned, but I don't want to upset you or your new love. Maybe it would only be for my benefit to get this off my chest.

It wasn't your fault. I hope you came to this realization on your own, and your heart doesn't hurt anymore. I broke you. I put you down, kept my walls up, and was unfaithful long before it ever became physical. I was insecure and jealous of your ex, your grandmother, and pretty much anyone you talked to or about longer than me. I felt trapped, like I would never be good enough for anything unless I accomplished some great feat in life. I took it out on you. I didn't make myself a safe place for you to open up. I have been narcissistic, childish, and narrow minded for quite a long time.

I am sorry it took me so long to realize. All our talks of the future haunt me, and I wonder what could have been, especially as our daughter has begun to ask questions.

You are a good man. Yes, you are flawed, but so am I. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You are enough. You always were.

I feel like only a shell of who I used to be, but in some ways I'm glad I have shed some of those nasty traits. Sometimes, I wonder what you see now when you look at me. There's a look in your eyes that says you, too, have so much to tell me, but it may just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Our daughter and that house will always feel like home to me. Even if it brings me to tears. I love you. I hope you find the happy ending you wanted.

Love, me.