deepundergroundpoetry.com
The tragedy of a sister raising a brother
You tell me Im just like her; our shared abuser
Oh brother dear that made me spiral
Here I am just 25 is my brain even fully alive?
Here I am married and suddenly a parent to you
And you want an enemy and hyperfocus on me
The only connection you have to our past
Logically I get it but emotionally I'm being transparent
I'm wrecking everything cuz I can't get over it
Your fourteen you dont know what it means
To have lived the tragic life I have
And maybe I don't understand your trauma either
Our stories are different despite the vast similarities
Cuz you're not me and I'm not you
I keep asking myself what would Nani do?
But this isnt Disney and my trauma is drowning me
I just wanna drink but I can't
I just want to self harm but I can't
I don't get those luxuries because someone has to show you
That healing is possible even though it's so fucking hard
You can't seem to understand my feelings
I beg you for patience because I don't know what Im doing
I'm no hero just your sister trying her best
When I was little I made a promise to myself
That I'd get better and save you, its true
I had no childhood cuz I was too busy being second mom
I was never a teenager cuz I was so focused on speed running healing
All my life has lead up to this moment and Im cracking
There's so much pressure on my shoulders
Cycle breakers live extraordinary lives
But they'll always be so very alone
And you're fourteen and you just don't know
How much I'm hiding from everyone around me
Im a corpse rotting as I'm trying to be a life raft
This poem sucks and makes no sense and here I am crying
It'd be so much easier if I wasn't sick
I'm no parent just a sister trying to do her best
The knives are locked up, the lighters hidden
Im taking sleeping pills cuz I can't swallow your pain and mine
I'm all you've got and you're stuck with me
There's no way I'm giving up because where would you go?
Fuck, Im tired but here we go
Oh brother dear that made me spiral
Here I am just 25 is my brain even fully alive?
Here I am married and suddenly a parent to you
And you want an enemy and hyperfocus on me
The only connection you have to our past
Logically I get it but emotionally I'm being transparent
I'm wrecking everything cuz I can't get over it
Your fourteen you dont know what it means
To have lived the tragic life I have
And maybe I don't understand your trauma either
Our stories are different despite the vast similarities
Cuz you're not me and I'm not you
I keep asking myself what would Nani do?
But this isnt Disney and my trauma is drowning me
I just wanna drink but I can't
I just want to self harm but I can't
I don't get those luxuries because someone has to show you
That healing is possible even though it's so fucking hard
You can't seem to understand my feelings
I beg you for patience because I don't know what Im doing
I'm no hero just your sister trying her best
When I was little I made a promise to myself
That I'd get better and save you, its true
I had no childhood cuz I was too busy being second mom
I was never a teenager cuz I was so focused on speed running healing
All my life has lead up to this moment and Im cracking
There's so much pressure on my shoulders
Cycle breakers live extraordinary lives
But they'll always be so very alone
And you're fourteen and you just don't know
How much I'm hiding from everyone around me
Im a corpse rotting as I'm trying to be a life raft
This poem sucks and makes no sense and here I am crying
It'd be so much easier if I wasn't sick
I'm no parent just a sister trying to do her best
The knives are locked up, the lighters hidden
Im taking sleeping pills cuz I can't swallow your pain and mine
I'm all you've got and you're stuck with me
There's no way I'm giving up because where would you go?
Fuck, Im tired but here we go
Published 22nd Oct 2021
Author's Note
I wish you were old enough so I can tell you what I've been through so youd understand when I say "I know, Ive been there" that you would know it to be true
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 2
comments 5
reads 498
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I wrote you an incredibly long message and then deleted it because I felt like it was too much... lol.. An incredibly funny and ironic statement coming from me , I know!! 😂
But I did want to just say /leave you with =
super ((hugs!))
... and... at some point we all feel like failures while raising children, you're never alone in the that feeling. I believe, If you aren't failing at some point, then you're definitely doing it wrong!! .... lol 😏 Also, @ 14 was probably the most difficult and most self absorbed I can remember myself being. I was a monster to my parents. Period. It was mostly my teenage bullshit and not them that was the reason for constant battle. I only tell you this because I wanted you to be reminded of how hard it is and was for a lot of people to be a teenager. Hopefully that helps just a little bit Mc
I LOVE seeing you back writing and I hope it's of some catharsis!
(Congratulations on the wedding, btw - 💙)
Warmest regards and much love your way ✨
🌹 - B
But I did want to just say /leave you with =
super ((hugs!))
... and... at some point we all feel like failures while raising children, you're never alone in the that feeling. I believe, If you aren't failing at some point, then you're definitely doing it wrong!! .... lol 😏 Also, @ 14 was probably the most difficult and most self absorbed I can remember myself being. I was a monster to my parents. Period. It was mostly my teenage bullshit and not them that was the reason for constant battle. I only tell you this because I wanted you to be reminded of how hard it is and was for a lot of people to be a teenager. Hopefully that helps just a little bit Mc
I LOVE seeing you back writing and I hope it's of some catharsis!
(Congratulations on the wedding, btw - 💙)
Warmest regards and much love your way ✨
🌹 - B
23rd Oct 2021 6:03pm
I swear that little boy breaks my heart more than I can count. He's Such a good kid. He just has a lot to work through and he's only lived with me five months. He's just like I was and I was coming apart at the seams. He tries so fucking hard to keep it together and then he snaps under the pressure he puts on himself. And I just happen to be the only "safe" person he can snap at. Im just a bit fragile lately lol and probably take him a bit too seriously but Ive never been a parent before and this is radical 😂
23rd Oct 2021 6:18pm
Awww.... Sounds like it's going to be a process but one that will eventually ultimately be deeply rewarding in the end! (I have my sneaking suspicions ) I feel like there's hugely enormous potential for you both to find your way, together. It sounds like he's been placed with the one person who's qualified to see, (truly) understand and help him cultivate what he'll need in the days and years ahead; as difficult and tricky as that might feel in random WTF am I doing, moments. Perhaps in hindsight, it'll end up being each of you who are able to derive strength and resolve from the other?!?! Here's that wonderful notion becoming reality!!! ✨ 👍🏻
Sending out, strength, hope and unlimited promise BBG.... (you got this!!!.. or you will! )
🌹-B
Sending out, strength, hope and unlimited promise BBG.... (you got this!!!.. or you will! )
🌹-B
28th Oct 2021 5:14am
29th Oct 2021 5:38pm
You're a strong beautiful soul for loving and caring. It's too much to take on as a mom, let alone when a teenager is having his own issues. Maybe he won't see or understand it now, but he'll appreciate more later. Don't beat yourself up, you can only do much when you yourself are fighting your battles as well.
Stay strong, and writing will always give you focus and objective.
Blessings BBG
Stay strong, and writing will always give you focus and objective.
Blessings BBG
