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Ugly
I think that I have written this letter a thousand and one different times, each time even more afraid what would come shooting out of my fingertips. But I think I know what I must say now, even though I do not want to. I think that I have always hated us both, innards and skin. I think that when mom was supposed to be teaching us to love ourselves she did the opposite, but none of that has ever been her fault. Not all of it. I think sometimes that I try to sugar coat the hate that I shove down our throats with nicotine induced blackouts, so that way it won't hurt as much going down as it will coming back up in the morning. I think that I have always hated you, hated me.
I hate the way our lips curve, and how high our voice can be when we get nervous around future lovers. I hate the way our hips dip, and I hate the scars that litter them.
I hate the body that we inhabit, and how much pain we are always in. I hate that we cannot ever seem to escape the pain of it all, and I hate that I don't remember what true happiness feels like. I think that we have been asleep for far too long, that all of this time I should've been getting us the help that we deserve, but what could I know.
It always seems so scary to me, that we are supposed to go on like this for the rest of our lives. But I think that that is why I trying to write this down now, so that we can remind ourselves that this is just another piece of ourselves that we are trying to let go of. And I think that's why I am telling you how much I hate you, so that I can try and make room for the love I know will one day live inside of us. I hate everything about us, starting from the tip of my nose to the end of our toes. I hate how breathy our real laugh is, I hate the color of our dark brown eyes, and I hate the way we smile.
I wish so badly that I could be writing us anything else, but I know that If I do not say it now, It will live trapped inside of us until it liquidates into the air pockets inside of our bones. Please, forgive us both. I don't mean to hate you, I just don't know how to love you.
I hate the way our lips curve, and how high our voice can be when we get nervous around future lovers. I hate the way our hips dip, and I hate the scars that litter them.
I hate the body that we inhabit, and how much pain we are always in. I hate that we cannot ever seem to escape the pain of it all, and I hate that I don't remember what true happiness feels like. I think that we have been asleep for far too long, that all of this time I should've been getting us the help that we deserve, but what could I know.
It always seems so scary to me, that we are supposed to go on like this for the rest of our lives. But I think that that is why I trying to write this down now, so that we can remind ourselves that this is just another piece of ourselves that we are trying to let go of. And I think that's why I am telling you how much I hate you, so that I can try and make room for the love I know will one day live inside of us. I hate everything about us, starting from the tip of my nose to the end of our toes. I hate how breathy our real laugh is, I hate the color of our dark brown eyes, and I hate the way we smile.
I wish so badly that I could be writing us anything else, but I know that If I do not say it now, It will live trapped inside of us until it liquidates into the air pockets inside of our bones. Please, forgive us both. I don't mean to hate you, I just don't know how to love you.
Published 22nd Oct 2021
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