Love and Loss

Intuition or inclination,
the torch I carried, my motivation  
 
The lead in my novel, The binding of my book
the burning flame of the candle, wanting to learn how to cook
 
Running the extra mile, the reason I wanted a perfect smile.  
Even knowing that ship had sailed,
I still desired to be your perfection, whatever that entailed.  
The look in your eyes-how much independence I sought,
I listened to you, wanted to know all your thoughts.  
The number on the scale, the scent you inhaled,
even what color I chose to paint my nails.  
 
I remember lying in bed at age 13  
wondering if I was doomed to love you for all eternity.  
I thought maybe as we got older my feelings would be less intense  
I was crazy then and now to think any of it would ever make sense.  
 
You were my best friend and my lover—
even the times we acted like we Hated one another.
God eventually gave me peace, knowing we’d never share a life
and I laid to rest that I’d never be your wife.  
But Desiree has your eyes and your joker smile  
and her laughter eases my pain if only for a little while.  
 
I didn’t just love you—you held me captive to burning desire  
and there was never a flame of adoration that could’ve burned brighter...  
The devotion I have for you spans lifetimes over.  
 
I know you’re looking down and wondering if I’ll continue to carry this torch, even after your death  
and the answer is--a resounding yes.