She's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

It's back:
that sinking, sickening feeling
of pure dread.

Down, down, down it drops
into my very core,
over and over.

It's hard to focus
when all attention
is focused on steeling myself:
summoning energy,
mental strength and fortitude
to do battle once more,
but for her not me.

Unsure of what I'll find,
I take deep breaths,
calm and steady myself
ready to be called upon.

There is a strange detachment
when thinking about what happened
and what might yet happen.
It's a way of preparing for the worst
while desperately hoping for the best.

Will it always be this way now?
Even when all is well,
never feeling fully able to relax
or trust?

We use the good times
as stepping stones to negotiate the bad.
She is beginning to see that herself
because experience is an excellent teacher.

And so it starts. Rewind.
It's me and her together.